>>>>>A Veg*n For Dinner

Time to Say So Long...But Not Goodbye.

2011-09-23T11:43:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone! Long time no blog, I know, I know. I'm ashamed.

Fact is, we're no longer vegan. No longer even vegetarian. That's the main reason I just let this blog die.

I could go into a long-winded explanation of why, but really I just don't want to dwell. I really do think veganism is the best way to go and will save the planet someday, but for now, based on our jobs, our personal issues and the pace of our individual lives it's just not workable at the moment.

I'm proud to say though that my teenage daughter is still a vegetarian. I still have quinoa in my cupboard and tofu in my freezer. We still eat vegan meals all the time....We just needed more flexibility in our choices for the time being.

At any rate, I am starting a new blog that has nothing to do with food or veganism; it's all about how comical life can be in small-town Canada with two teenagers close to leaving the nest.

If you want to check it out, it's located here:

http://sillyinthesuburbs.blogspot.com/

There may be some non-vegan chow that slips in there now and again, and I know some of you are sensitive to that, so be forewarned. Also be warned that the new blog will not be for the sensitive or easily offended, so note that also.

THIS here blog will be deleted within the month, so if there is any recipes you've been using, now is the time to print them out.

Peace!

~Tracy~

Baby, We Thought it Over....

2010-05-13T08:20:00.000-04:00

OK, how many of youse guys are familiar with the infamous Baby Think it Over? Seems like just yesterday that my daughter dragged home this screaming plastic waste of time. This year, it was my son's turn.

Now, for those of you who have been either under a rock or stranded on a desert island somewhere, the Baby Think it Over is a life sized plastic brat designed to simulate the experience of having to take care of a real baby for the weekend, intended, I suppose, to make the kid hate it so much that they immediately go out and buy a lifetime supply of propylactics.

Well, I can understand the Powers That Be wanting teenage girls to have to deal with it, because in my experience, they're the ones that think babies are as adorable as all get out, and want to have one so they can dress it up all cute and shit and stroll around with it.

BUT fifteen year old boys don't have that problem. They have no interest in having a baby. They just want to be left alone to play World of Warcraft and ride their bikes to the store. I know that my son wants a baby about as much as he wants to put on a dress and dance in the Santa Claus parade.

BUT, we had to put up with the baby anyway. Dan brought it home last Friday, and despite the fact that we actually have a cradle in the attic, he decided to have it sleep in the cat bed.

This baby screamed, cooed, cried and breathed just like a normal baby for the duration of the weekend, and it was my son's job to take care of it. All I can say is, I'm damn glad that the baby didn't come with a voice recorder, because the air was blue in his room most of the time. He cursed, swore, and berated that baby, signed, moaned, and muttered at it, and more or less told the baby how much he hated it at least once an hour. I had to talk him down at 3:30 in the morning, because he was getting ready to put the baby in a sack and lock it in the basement.

At one point, he even figured out how to make the baby feed itself while he played video games....

I wanted him to take the baby up on the roof and dangle him off like Michael Jackson did with his kid, but I guess it ultimately says something about his "parenting skills" that he wouldn't allow that.

That didn't stop us from pretending to set it on fire while he was in the shower....

We all sighed in relief when the baby went back in his bag and went back to school Monday morning. So, what did this experience teach my son?

Not a damn thing.

It will be years before my son has babies, (let alone baby making, on his radar.) All that was achieved here was fucking up his weekend. I guess if the idea was to make him hate this baby with a white-hot rage that almost caused him to do it in, then HEY! I guess the Powers That Be were successful after all....

My Liver is Da Bomb

2010-05-06T16:09:00.000-04:00

OK people. Lots of news to report, some of it marginally food related, so here goes.

I just want to let you all know that my cat was kind enough to help me do paperwork today. So damn thoughtful of him....

Little cat bastard. Look, animal lovers of the world, don't take this the wrong way, but some days I seriously want to take this cat and punt him right off the verandah and into the lilac bush on the other side of the driveway.

Having this 13 pound "kitten" has sure been an adventure. I mean, he's mellowing out some, but some days he can really try a gals patience. Like yesterday. This cat has some lovely, soft, long, billowly hair which is a joy to touch, kinda fun to brush, but A FUCKIN' PISS OFF TO GET CAT SHIT OUT OF!

I mean, this cat cannot seem to take a shit without (apparently) squirming his hind end into the pile before he covers it up. I don't actually witness this, but I cannot for the life of me fathom how he manages it otherwise.I've had to wrestle him down and cut shit off his ass while naked and dripping from the shower. (We did laps inside that bathroom. There was shit and bubble bath everywhere.)

And just yesterday, I had no choice but to dig my fingernails on one hand into a wad of cat crap whilst slicing it out of his ass fur with the other. Then he proceded to celebrate by vomiting under the table. It had started to dry by the time I saw it and had to be pried off with a butter knife.

OK, you all know of course I love him anyway. But never let anyone tell you that cats are so easy to take care of. (PS: I got some clippers, and we're shaving down his nether parts tonight.)

IN OTHER NEWS: It seems that the Canadian Army Reserve thinks that if you're my age ( a ripe old forty years young, baby) you must have one foot on a banana peel. That is the only explanation I can think of why they now require us "old folks" to get a full medical in order to work at cadet camp this summer, (despite the fact that they gave me the Full Monty two years ago, including the piss-in-a-cup.)

So the taxpayers funded another full checkup which only confirmed what I already knew:

I am a Goddess. Rowr.

My doctor took my blood pressure, which was a sweet 118/80, naturally, despite the fact that me and salt are illicit friends. My liver is the Smexiest liver my doctor has palpated yet this year, (despite the fact that I think Jack Daniels really should have been knighted.) OK, I'm kinda paraphrasing about that but she was impressed. I saw it by the hunger in her eyes...

Not only that but my cholesterol is 158 (4.1 to you Canadian Metric geeks) with an HDL that's so high it's off the grid, and a disgustingly ideal 2.2 ratio. Take that, beef eating beeyotches...

Seriously though, I credit my near-vegan diet for my stoo-pendous numbers. I even photocopied the bloodtest cuz I figured they wouldn't believe me if I just wrote it down. (WHAT? A forty-year old without High Cholesterol and High Blood pressure? Gadzooks, lets get her on the table and let aliens probe her anally!)

Finally, this is a note to all my buds north of the border. Seems my article about the Nudist Colony I wrote for Saltscapes last summer has been bought, and condensed, and thoroughly masturbated to by none other than Reader's Digest! (OK, I'm guessing about the masturbation thing...) But it results in a few bucks that I had to do nothing for other than jump up and down and freak out a little. Please do me a favor if you're a Canuck and buy the mag on July 10th, and then write them a letter and tell them how Smexy my liver is.

I wish I was kidding about that.....

SmartFood, You're Fucking STOOPID!

2010-04-28T15:42:00.000-04:00

So, I'm in Ye Olde Supermarket this morning, just minding my own business. Well, not really. I was there actually spying on the nuts and bolts of all the shiz they sell there. See, part of my "bizness" includes a tour of our local food emporiums, showing those folks that are "not-in-the-know" all the crazy business that goes on there, and all the ways The Man tries to trick us into buying stuff that is baaaaaad for us and otherwise manipulate our tired little minds.

Like this little trick. I took a moment to point out to a sweet elderly couple how the store tries to trick them into purchasing the store brand of, well, everything. We read from left to right, and when we look at something our eyes automatically drift to the right. Like when we look at a scrumptious box of cereal.

From the Cheerios, to the Cardboard-in-a-Box that is generic....

The Oldsters were intrigued, but then tried to distract me from my mission with questions about the benefits of Cornflakes vs: Shreddies. I mumbled something fibre related and escaped.
And then, it happened. I stumbled on what is likely the most awful, the most decpetive, the most cringe-worthy product I have seen on the shelves in a loooong while:

SMARTFOOD.

EGAD! It makes my pubic hair stand on end just thinking that some misguided parental type will believe that this is a "Smart Food" to give their chubby little progeny. Let's turn this box around and eyeball the specifics:

These little bags 'o crap are billed as "popcorn clusters, chocolate cookie caramel pecan", (naturally flavored, naturally.) The box sells for $3.49 for six individual bags of 28 grams apiece.

The website touts the benefits of this product as including the following stellar atributes:

"TransFat Free!" (Who cares? It still has 3.5 grams of fat that's still going to go straight to your thighs.)

"Porcine Free!" (WTF??? Why would I expect my popcorn to contain swine by-products anyway??)

"Onion Free!" (Again, what are you people smoking? Not only is onion allergy not exactly a growing problem, to me, this is akin to advertising Tomato Soup as being Free of Chocolate.)

"Excellent Source of Calcium!" (Excuse me? Unless I am mental, the Nutrition Facts list this item as having ZERO PERCENT of your daily calcium. Explain, please?? Especially since the ingredients, that I will helpfully list here, contain the following:

"Brown Rice Syrup, (sugar) Inulin (fake added fibre), popcorn, chocolate cookie, (enriched wheat flour, sugar, vegetable oil, cocoa powder, modified corn starch, molasses, salt, natural flavour) sugar, pecans, soy lecithin, natural flavours, salt."

I don't see much on this list that makes me scream "High Source of calcium!" Maybe I'm wrong. Do you??

I DO see four different sugars and some oil though. Smart of them to put that much sugar in there to soak up the grease, eh?

The box itself only really promotes the "High Fibre" angle, five whole grams per greasy little bag! Let's compare, for shits and giggles, the stats for this product compared to plain old air popped popcorn, (28 grams of which would likely cost you, oh, 5 cents maybe?)

1 pack Smart Food has 130 calories.

28 gm popcorn has 110 calories (bit is also over 3 cups of food compared to a tiny palmful of this stuff)

1 pack Smart Food has 3.5 grams of fat, .5 of which is saturated.

Air popped corn has 1.3 grams.

1 pack Smart Food has 8 grams of sugar.

Three cups of popcorn has 0.2

1 pack Smart Food has 5 grams of fibre.

Three cups of popcorn has 4.1, plus you can eat ever so much more of it because it's cheap as dirt.

1 pack Smart Food has 80 mg of sodium.

The popcorn has like, TWO.

SmartFood (and your satanic manufacturer Frito Lay), hereby win my weekly prize for the ShitHole Company of the week for attempting to convince decent, if uninformed, hard working folks that your overprocessed crap is actually healthy for them. No goddamn wonder kids are porky these days. Shame on you....

Bowel Massaging Food! And Free Shipping! And Cats!

2010-04-26T09:33:00.000-04:00

OK, let me just start off with this shot of my cat Stanley, getting all alien-like in the front seat of a car....

A buddy of my son's dropped by for a visit and left his car window open. I glance out and what do I see....just made me snort a little. That is all....

In other news, let's talk about food a little for a change. As my biz-ness is launching a week from today (GASP!) I have running around like crazy trying to get everything done. I took delivery on Friday of all kinds of shweet bling with my name on it, including pens, notepads, flyers, rubber stamps, etc. with my handle emblazoned all over. Made me feel all puffed and important with myself, I must say! I went and cleaned the littlerbox immediately after so I could bring myself down to earth.

ANYWAY, when you spend all your waking hours immersed in healthy shiz, you start to look at your plate and think, Goddammit, I can do better than this! So I'm doing it.

Personally, of all the diets I have read about, tried, discarded, praised, mocked, succeeded on, etc, the one I would say is the absolute best is "Eat for Life" by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. If you haven't read it, get your fat booty down to the bookstore and buy it. NOW!

I myself have owned said book for quite some time, and have never really followed the plan, not because I don't believe in it, but because, well., sometimes I iz weak, and this plan does require some get-up-and-go to get up and get at it. But, motivation recently sprang in the form of a challenge from my Darling Daughter. She picked up the book from the counter the other day (she has read it also) and bet me that she could follow the plan for at least week and that I couldn't. In fact, she predicted I would crumble on Day Two.

OK, Beeyotch, You. Are. On!

. In case you aren't "in the know", this diet requires that you aim for a full pound of raw non-starchy veg a day, a pound of cooked veg, a small handful of raw nuts, a cup of legumes, and a cup of whole grains or starchy veg. Oh, and a wee bit of ground flax. That is all. No Diet Pepsi, no peanut butter toast, no veggie burgers, no cookies. For me, the toast with PB is the tough one. For my daughter, it will be fruit juice and pasta. We'll see who the better woman is!

So, here is my report for the morning of Day Three:

I have peed non-stop the last two days. Literally every hour on the hour. And that's a good thing, as it means I was bloated before, likely due to the fact that we are huge fans of salt. I've slept great, except for the constant up-and-down to the toilet. I may have to invest in Depends.

Last night I dreamed of water, no word of a lie. Swimming pools, diving boards, oceans, rain. All water, all night long. Weirded me out.

Next observation: Although I have eaten nothing that isn't Fuhrman-approved, I also have not managed to chew my way through the massive amount of produce that is required. I would literally have to eat all day long. Last night at supper, my jaw got tired during the green beans. I had to prop up my chin and shove it up and down manually.

We are eating a wide variety of delightful greenery....just yesterday, I ate at least a small amount of the following foodstuffs:

Tomatoes, onions, garlic, corn, bell peppers, spinach, romaine lettuce, iceburg lettuce, arugula, leaf lettuce, carrots, rutabaga, cucumber, red cabbage, carrots, green beans and mushroom, (not to mention the lentils and kidney beans. ) And I have not yet, (ahem) visited the powder room with in two days. I think my intestines are down there puzzled as fuck about what I've been up to. I'm sure when the time comes, though, it's gonna be a doozy. I have magazines all stacked up and ready next to the TP holder.

As of yet, I have not been tempted to stray, likely beause I simply don't have time to think about toast when I'm working my way through this much salad. I have to say, though, I feel just heavenly and I know it's because every mouthful of food is chock-full of nutritional deliciousness. Not that I don't think we ate well before, but...well....this is eating well to the 100th degree!

I give my daughter one more day until she caves.

In other news: Until May 1st Lulu.com is offering Free Shipping in the USA if you order a hardcopy of my book! That's pretty cool. Just visit mah cookbook here:

MAH COOKBOOK!!!

And when checking out, use coupon code: FREEMAIL305 to get Free Shipping (or $3.99 off the cost if you are outside the USA.) It's an unpretentious little book but I've heard good feedback on it. Makes me think I might work on a new one this summer.....:0)

I'll check back in with y'all in a few days and let you know if The Daughter throws in the towell or if we are both speeding toward Eat to Live glory. Until then...someone eat some toast for me, OK?

Peace!

Sorry for My Disgusting Absence...but I've been Undercover!

2010-04-19T08:11:00.000-04:00

Good Lord, I should be shot with a ball of my own shit for going this long without blogging. I really don't have any excuse, but I'm going to try and come up with one anyway. (It's not a lie if YOU believe it, right??)

Anyway, for three weeks in March I got the chance to "go undercover" and work a plebian job at a new business supply store setting up shop in the area. I don't want to really tell you who it is exactly, for fear of a punishing lawsuit, so we'll just call it "Graples."

I actually was chosen to help set up the new store, for the grand sum of $8.75 an hour. I found the whole experience interesting and eye-opening for several reasons, all of which I plan to share here, so go top up your coffee, OK?

Alright, I have to confess to not having worked retail since the days when I was busy re-bagging expired deli meat at a supermarket at the age of 16. So this was almost new to me. I also don't remember the last time I worked for that little money. But I was bored and needed some excitement, so whatevs.

When I arrived I was instantly puzzled by the insanely diverse range of humanity that had been signed on for this little gig. We had everything from a heavily tattooed chap with ADHD to a man who just did two tours of duty in Afghanistan, a girl who was so stupid and lisped so bad I only understood every third sentence, and an older gentleman with severe hernias who played with swords amd was suspicious of everyone and everything. And then, there was me.

Now, if there is one thing I hate more than anything, it's people who treat me like I'm stupid. The folks in charge of this little wing-ding got off on the wrong foot with me right from the start by treating me like a drooling moron. (Too be fair though, they treated everyone that way.) I resented the assumption that just cuz we were stocking shelves for minimum wage, our parents must have been cousins. Take a lesson, Graples: Not always so.

At any rate, they eventually figured out that my brain did more than occupy skull space, and I ended up the store darling, called upon for my anal-retentive merchandising genius, along with my ability to count well.

I did, however, totally fail at putting sticky black lines straight up and down on the shelves. I was told that 75% of my lines were in fact crooked, (much like myself, I might add.)

The whole experience taught me that not only can I wield a box-cutter like a homicidal psychopath, I also have a future in shelf-stocking should I ever give up my day job. The only really bad part was my poor widdle hands: My cuticles ended up like raw meat, and my nails are only now beginning to grow out.

ANYWAY, moving on to something margianlly food related:

I am offcially launching my nutrition consulting business on May 3rd!

Clicking on the link above will take you to my brand new website, designed for yours truly by a local twelth-grader, (so keep that in mind, OK? Me too poor to hire professionals...)

Although I don't overtly bill myself as a vegetarian consultant, my evil plan is to ultimately lead just about everyone I can down that path, because I truly believe, after much study and personal experience, that it is the healthiest diet on the planet.

That being said, I also started a new blog, which will enable me to add content to my site without having to screw with the much more complicated programming of the site itself. It's located here:

http://www.yourbestlifenutrition.blogspot.com/

It's just getting started, and will address issues that non-vegetarians are facing when it comes to food choices, so please be aware of that before you send me angry emails asking why I'm talking about eggs and shit. Gotta speak to everyone out there or I risk having this venture tank badly.

LASTLY, I now have my every own FACEBOOK GROUP! YeeHaw!

You can find it by looking up Your Best Life! Nutrition and Lifestyle Coaching in Facebook. I would now most humbly ask that all of you fine folks who don't hate me and wish me to succeed in my plan of vegan world-domination to please join my group. It does not matter that you live in Timbuktu, I want you anyway! When the business launches in two weeks, I would love for new clients to see my bulging Fan List and think, "Holy Shit! This chick must be on to something if people in Timbuktu are lovin' it!"

Anyway, I promise to update more in the future. I've been thinking lately about such diverse subjects as finance, drivers over sixty-five and yeast infections, so tune in for that.

Until then, peace and puppies to you all...:0)

OK, I Don't CARE What You Are Doing, Watch These NOW!!!

2010-03-13T21:57:00.000-04:00

Ok, for this one time only I am NOT going to make excuses for the sick ass sense of humor I seem to have inherited. (Actually, I don't know if I ever did try to do that. Suck it up, bitches.) My body may say that it's forty, but my brain keeps thinking it's seventeen.

This has nothing to do with food, except for the occasional oblique reference related to something sexual. Foodbuzz, I am officially sorry that I am super failing in the food blogging department, but at this moment in my life I just would rather look at NSFW videos on the internet than whip up a vegan souffle. (Sue me, if you can find me. Speaking of sueing me,where the hell are those SEO blog people? I want someone to pay me again to basically ream them out publically on the net.

Anyway, I implore you to watch the following videos. If you are insanely religious, or dislike Justin Timberlake, have issues with your sexuality or are just simply a Super Douche, don't bother. You won't get it. But if you are a freewheelin' child of the 80's (I'm thinking of you, Carrie!) you should sooooo get these. Enjoy!

And the follow up......

@ Yahoo! Video

And this reasonably unrelated gem....

If, after watching all of these you think I need to be committed, I won't argue. But I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time, and I hope that if my husband happens to drop dead Andy Samberg will consider me as his Cougar. Nuff Said. Night all....

An Open Letter to My Cat....

2010-03-13T09:09:00.000-04:00

Hello, Cat.

First, don't even TRY to claim that you can't read this letter, because I know better.

I know that you aren't really a creature of the feline persuasion, but instead, a cleverly disguised space alien sent here by a culture more intelligent that ours with the express purpose of making my life difficult.

Sure, you were cute at first, an average sized, reasonably attractive, somewhat eccentric little puffpall.

I found it charming, back in those golden days, when you would climb up on the computer desk and keep me company. I served Your Majesty diligently and without complaint, serving up the choicest Kibble and cleaning the disgusting litter box without complaint, (even when you would misjudge your stance and shit on the floor instead of the box.) I was just that smitten.

But I just want you to know that things have changed. My feelings for you have, shall we say, soured considerably.

I guess it all started on that fateful morning in January, when I tiptoed into my daughter's room in the dark early morning to wake her. Little did I know that you had kindly deposited a fetid puddle of liquid cat vomit smack-dab in the middle of her hard wood floor, causing me to skid, (barefoot, mind you) across the floor and almost do a header into the television set. There's nothing quite like the feeling of cold liquid cat effluent between your toes when you haven't even had your first cup of coffee yet. My mood did not improve when I quickly discovered that this puddle was merely the soupy finale to two other piles, in various degrees of chunkiness, scattered throughout my dining room.

Listen, that wasn't the last time we've had this discussion. If you really need to toss your kibble, at least have the decency to do it somewhere more convenient for clean-up, and not places like under the bed and in the middle of the dining room table. But that's not the worst of it.

Maybe you didn't get the memo, but cats are supposed to be delicate creatures. They nibble daintily at their meal, unlike you, who seems to want to bury your whole head in the food bowl like a pig at the trough. The area around your food dishes look like Nagasaki 24-7. Maybe, just maybe, if you didn't try to inhale your meals like you're at the Indianapolis 500 you wouldn't barf so much. Or, while we're on the subject. GROW SO BIG.

Yes, yes, I hear you. I know you're a Maine Coon and you're supposed to be big. And I also get that my darling husband wanted you specifically because of your potential monstrous proportions. but Dear God! I never would have pictured the chaos and destruction that was going to result from having a twelve-pound KITTEN careening around the house!

I forgave you when you broke my glass candleholder. What was I thinking, to leave something so delicate ON TOP OF THE TABLE? And I confess at first that I thought you intelligent when you figured out how to turn the lights on and off in my bedroom. But I started to get irritated when you were caught on the kitchen counter licking the peanut butter off my sandwich. And it's starting to drive me slightly off my rocker that I straighten my kitchen mats a minimum of seventeen times a day, only to find them just like this five minutes later:

Please, please, can you just leave the mats alone for a day or two? It's only a matter of time before I trip on them in the dark and go flying face-first into the countertop.

Look, I understand you're trying, and I confess that I'm not perfect either, but at least I have the decency to leave your food alone. That's why I wasn't impressed when I caught you yesterday pulling my toast out of the toaster with your teeth before I had a chance to get to it. I understand that you like to lay by the toaster, and I've learned to tolerate cat hair in the jam, but stealing my breakfast is over the line, buddy.

That's why I've come to the conclusion that in order for us to be housemates, we need to put some rules in place. I pay the mortgage here, you little shithead, not you, so you either follow these rules or you can hit the road, Jack!

One, keep your ass out of my bowl of snacks. I know you wanted to eat a ladybug lurking around the lightbulb, but I just can't tolerate Doritos once they've been near your hindquarters.

Two, stay out of places that you don't belong. This would include my wine rack (see below) my bathtub while I'm in it, my kitchen island while cookies are cooling on it, the table while we're eating on it (actually, all the time would be better) and the woodbox. (I'm tired of brushing sawdust out of your fur.)

And third, how about not destroying anything else that doesn't belong to you? This would include (but is not limited to) chewing the strings off my bamboo blinds, tearing my paper towels into a million peices, shoving my blender off the counter onto the floor, using my luggage as a scratching post, and choosing to nap on top of all my dark-colored sweaters. (Yes, I know that fur doesn't technically ruin the sweaters, but it sure is a bitch to de-lint them!)

If you can make the concious decision to follow all the above rules, I guess you can stay. After all, you're kinda cute, and the fact that you're going to be the size of a small pony is going to be interesting. But the next time you decide that having a boiling case of diarrhea requires you to roll in it after the fact, all bets are off.

Signed, The Management.

Am I the Biggest Loser? I Guess We'll See....

2010-02-15T17:49:00.000-04:00

I really should know better than to surf the net at 7 AM on a Saturday morning, especially when my husband gifted me the night before with like, the UGLIEST shirt ever as a Valentine's Day present. Which he literally threw at me across the room, still in the bag. It was spandex. And turquoise. And reminded me of something a very warty Grandma with enormous floppy breasts and a yellow-grey perm would wear. I know I'm forty, but I ain't yet flopping like that. And I couldn't prevent myself from telling him that this was the singularly most unattractive piece of clothing in the Western hemisphere and he could just take it back. (Bitchy, I know. But he didn't have to toss it at me like he was making a pass in a basketball game.)

So I'm in my ratty bathrobe, everyone is in bed, and this floppy-breasted Shirt from Hell has me painfully pondering the state of my own boobs. And backside. And muffin top. Because dudes, I've porked up.

After living most of my adult life at 153 pounds (with the exception of my pregnancies, when I morphed into the Michelin Man) I have crept my way up to 162 lbs on a 5 foot 7 bod. I feel threatened by the dreaded Front Butt for the first time in life. But why? Who the fuck knows. The peanut butter toast addiction certainly doesn't help. Or my crush on potato chips. And fries. And just plain 'ol potatoes. I would marry a potato if my husband were to keel over. And with a Diploma in Natural Nutrition, you'd think I'd know better, right? That's cuz I do. But I've never been great at actually doing what I know is best, at least when it comes to my weight.

In a moment of weakness, I find myself at the Biggest Loser Club website. They had a special on a three-month membership, along with three free books in the mail, for $29.95. God, I love that sadistic show. And I am an all-day sucker for anything free. I even sent for free catheters in the mail just because I could

. (Side Note: Does anybody need some catheters? I have some to spare. Email me. Same with extra-large Underoos and menopause remedy samples.)

So, in a bleary-eyed, caffeine-fueled moment of weakness I whip out the old credit card and sign myself up. What the hell, I think. I bet that's about the same amount Bob spent on the granny top, and maybe this will be the motivation I need to actually apply what I know to the person who needs to benefit most, MYSELF.

Now, let me clarify: I have no intention of following their menu plan. I know I can do better. And their fitness program seems a little weenie to me, so I'll be ramping that up too. But it does give me a place to be accountable to, some interesting reading material, and best of all, nothing motivates me more than wasting money on something useless, so I'm already primed to prove the $29.95 was not in vain.

And better still, after a quick perusal of the site, I think it's comedy blogging GOLD!

So stay posted, drop by often, and if there is anyone out there who has been considering joining this site, I promise you a knock-down, drag-out, brutally honest review of what the site can offer a gal, particularly a vegetarian.

Peace and Porkers!

The Post in Which My Commenters Take a Turn for the Weird....

2010-02-12T09:36:00.000-04:00

Ok, you all know how farking lousy I am at answering comments. I hate myself for it. Well....the situation doesn't exactly keep me up at night, but I definitely am contrite, I assure you. Contrite enough to now take a moment to address some of your recent questions to me, even though I have to say the comments I receive are getting weirder and weirder.

But before I begin, I want to show you this picture of a bag of fingerling potatoes, which I scored for a mere buck forty-nine at the local Quickie Mart. This will become relevant later, so file this information away for the near future.

Now, on to the comments! I find it especially difficult to address questions left on posts made when I was far younger and my breasts sagged much less. But I got this little nugget from Cindi recently on a post I did on pound cake back during the Carter administration:

*****

"I discovered your blog when looking for a vegan pound cake recipe and the bloomingplatter blog sent me to you! I am making it for a friend's birthday and wondered if it would work to bake it in round cake pans? Is there a way to make it into a more traditional b-day cake shape? "

Well Cindi, I have no fucking idea. I've always been content to nosh on it the way it's found in nature, in a nice sexy rectangular shape. I don't know if rounding it up will help matters, but please feel free to try and let me know how that worked out for ya.

*****

And this question from Claudi on my seitan turkey:

"Hi there, this looks amazing! I know you posted this forever ago, but could I bother you to ask if you baked it covered or uncovered? Thanks & can't wait to try it! "

Claudia, thanks for asking. I cover that sucker up with tinfoil to keep all the hot, sweaty juices in the pan where they belong. Actually, I almost always make this now in a big tomato juice can lined with tinfoil, then covered with the foil. Makes the cheescloth unecessary, so I can use it for other purposes, like tying up my husband.

*****

This here question kinda threw me for a loop:

"Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?"

Hmmmm....I hadn't really given that much thought. I've been too busy trying to solve the energy crisis. But now that you mention it, the chicks seems to be older, their vagina's floppier, and I think the producers are spending less cash on hair removal. Hell, I saw a clip the other day that looked like it was filmed in a nursing home rec room. All signs of an industry in crisis. Which helpfully leads in to the next comment I received:

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http://www.lisanovalive.com/profiles/blogs/free-old-pussy-clips free old pussy clips

http://www.lisanovalive.com/profiles/blogs/free-old-woman-sex-clips free old woman sex clips

http://www.lisanovalive.com/profiles/blogs/free-old-xxx-clips free old xxx clips

SEE??? It's all about the wrinkles and the geriatric pucker nowadays. Why is some anonymous person desperately trying to tempt me to watch Geezer Porn? Some questions really have no satisfying answer. I can only guess that all the hot porn stars are making a living doing something more demeaning, like salting the french fries at McDonalds.

*****

"Good fill someone in on and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you on your information"

I have no fucking idea what this is supposed to mean. I can only assume some foreign student is doing his dissertation on how talentless, rude bloggers with a better-than-average grasp on profanity can get away with saying the shit that I do, and still make enough money off it to order retarded novelties through the mail for my children. Good luck with that, buddy.

*****

"Thank u :) you should look at this emo boy one on this blog:

http://www.emo--boys.info"

No thank you, Anonymous. First of all, if I want to see an emo boy all I have to do is look out my front window and watch the teenagers walking to school. Nothing particularly attractive about scabby-ass, sullen, black-haired wastes of space with bad dye jobs and more eyeliner than a two-dollar hooker. Not only that, I'm sure if I click on your little link there, I'll instantly be the proud new owner of a hateful foreign virus certain to wipe out all my data and set my hard drive on fire. So thanks, but no thanks.

*****

Time for just one more:

"Ok, I've been hearing different things from everyone about this new monthly rate for the new iphone 3gs. I'd like the get the iphone 3gs 32gb which is $300 I want unlimited texting which I hear is $20 and I want unlimited data which is I hear $30 the activation fee I hear is $18 So.. excluding the new phone price and the activation fee, how much would the normal monthly fee be with those requirements?"

I don't fucking know what this is all about. I love how the spam now seems to be worded in such a way that you have to do a double take, cuz it looks like it's from a friend instead of a dirty, overseas goat-poker with nothing better to do than fill my inbox with steaming piles of virtual horseshit. Go poke your goat and leave me alone, OK?

*****

OK, that's all I have time for at the moment. I have to go shower and then get busy turning these fingerlings into something classy and edible.

This is the first time ever in life that I have purchased these little spuddy nuggets, and I must say that they look like giant multicoloured suppositories. I haven't yet decided what I'm going to do with them, but I'm sure that whatever I come up with will be damn classy, because that's just how I roll. Actually, I can't lie. I'm not even using them today, because I'm forcing my husband at gunpoint to take me out to supper. I just needed some sort of picture to liven this post up (like I said, not gonna lie) and I also feel the need to mention food now and then, considering this started as a food blog and if I don't mention food I'll lose the fifteen bucks a month I get from Foodbuzz. Can't have that happen...:0) I need that cash for novelties.

Until tomorrow, peeps....Peace and Potatoes!

Let Me Introduce You to my New and Improved Toilet Brush!

2010-02-08T13:18:00.000-04:00

God, how I hate winter, especially here in the land of seemingly endless ice and snow. (Not to mention hockey and the associated discussions thereof.) Not being a hockey fan (football players look better in their pants) and not appreciating the charm of whizzing down an icy mountain at fifty miles an hour just for the fun of it, for this Canadian at least, winter brings me little joy.

Sure, Christmas is a nice diversion and a good excuse to gain five pounds, but once that's over, it's a long, cold, dark, soul-destroying marathon of suffering until spring. I hibernate beneath my mountain of blankets, sipping hot drinks in front of the fire, and dream of the days when I won't get frostbite on my lady parts just by taking out the garbage.

Exaggerating, you say? Sez you. Me and cold have never gotten along. That would explain why at forty years young I have yet to downhill ski or snowboard, and I can count the number of snowmen I have built in my lifetime on one hand. I would move to Florida, but y'all have things like cockroaches down there and me and bugs larger than my thumb have also never been pals.

The alligators, though, I think I could handle. Same with the snakes.

But last week, a gleaming, silvery beam of sunshine dazzled it's way into my heart, and lifted the weary, hypothermic spirits of this blogger:

My brand-new stainless steel toilet brush. Complete with holder! Who knew that $8.98 (taxes not included) could bring me so much happiness?

Me and toilet brushes go way back. I knew we had a special affinity about five years ago when I was unexpectedly gifted one for my birthday by a relative. I was puzzled at first, even somewhat miffed after a time. What gives? Is my toilet a sexual hotbed of breeding bacteria to the extent that I needed a wake-up call on my special day? Was I remiss about the inevitable brown scum buildup that inevitably plagued the underside of the rim? Were veritable armies of amoebas poised to use any dangling man-parts as their last chance at freedom? I thought I generally cleaned it with as much gusto as the bowl required.

To this day I do not know the reasoning behind this special gift, but I treasured that brush for years, believing with all my heart that a special message had been sent to me from above. I took it to work and showed all my friends. They all told me that this brush was something special, and accordingly, I waited a full three years before I was finally forced on Superbowl Sunday to lift it from it's place of honour beneath the sink and press it into service. (I think we had stuffed jalapenos that year.) But alas...even the most treasured among us cannot hold out forever, and Golden Boy (as I reverently named him) eventually had to be laid to rest in that Trash Bag in the sky.

But he has been replaced by one even more worthy....and I have named him "The Silver Streak" due to the amazing speed with which I will be able to clean the john from this point on.

Notice first his oh-so-shiny silver suit of armor. No more will a casual guest be able to glance down from their perch on the throne and speculate as to what we had to eat the day before based on the flotsam stuck in the bristles. (They generally are incorrect, anyway. Just because you see corn doesn't mean it was chowder.)

Notice too, (in this money shot of Ol' Silver posed in front of the majestic backdrop of the Canadian winter) that there is a handy little splash guard to help prevent unpleasant backsplash during the dirtiest and most debilitating of jobs. (And by this I mean it would likely be a week containing more than one evening of Mexican food.)

I'm cooking up a big feed of nachos this evening, (with extra spicy salsa on the side!) in the hopes that perhaps if I am lucky, tomorrow will bring me a true test of the Silver Streak's worth. Gaze upon his shiny exterior and drool over his versatility now, my fine readers, because as of tomorrow, he shall never show his face again. (After all, yesterday was Superbowl Sunday.) :0)

Peace!

Celebrating my Homecoming With Seed Bread and Hieroglyphic Barf Bags

2010-01-23T08:47:00.000-04:00

OK, I need to tell you up front that all the truly hilarious photos from Las Vegas are on my laptop, which is in my daughter's room, who is sleeping off a late trip to the Symphony (fer reals, y'all) and I don't want to disturb her. (She's frightening when she's overtired. Picture that chick in The Exorcist.)

So those pics will have to wait for another day. I will however show you this one: Two grossly overpriced cocktails enjoyed in our hotel casino, clearly made with getting patrons hammered in mind. (Mine tasted like pure alcohol with a splash of juice for colour. A few more of these and I would have been hurling all over the craps table.)

In the meantime, it's early, I'm awake, and I feel like blogging. Allow me first to tell you that the bags under my eyes were like army duffells by the time I finally got home. It took two full days to stop falling asleep in the middle of the morning. And I must tell you the temperature change wasn't pleasant either. To top it all off, we had somehow left a tiny overhead light on in our car, and came home at 10 PM to discover that the battery was dead as a nit. Bob was not amused, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

BUT, the house was clean, the kids were healthy, the cats were still alive, and other than an ongoing dispute about which kid spent the most of the money I left behind on their own selfish pleasures, all was well. Can't wait for the next big adventure.

One thing the trip DID do for me was get me excited to get into the kitchen again. (Five days of far too much pizza, french fries and dinner rolls will do that to a person.) So I decided to indulge one of my daughter's many whims and make her bread. Not just any bread, but bread that appears to have been rolled in birdseed. They sell a similar bread at the supermarket and she dies for it. ME? Not so much. I hate having crunchy bits in my baked goods. Makes me feel like I'm eating cat kibble.

So anyway, I made some really hearty whole wheat dough, studded with all sorts of crunchy bits and rolled in a hell of a lot MORE crunchy bits: Flax seeds, sesame seeds, cornmeal, hemp, and chopped sunflower and pumpkin seeds. I used almond butter and a flax/water combo to hold all that shit on. (Though not as completely as I would have liked...they're fucking seeds and nuts all over our damn kitchen every time she takes a slice. Seeds in my toaster. Seeds in my damn PEANUT BUTTER, seeds between my toes when I walk through the kitchen barefoot.

Oh well. Those seeds certainly are good for the ol' bod, so I suppose I shouldn't complain, (even though that's how I entertain myself on slow days.)

IN OTHER NEWS....on our flight home on American Airlines (on which I scored a free beer!) I absconded with the vomit bag from the back of the seat. My intention, being the hysterical, life-of-the-party gal that I am, was to use it to pack my son's lunch the next day. Hilarity would of course ensue. But when I got said bag home, my son pointed out to me that there were rows of oh-so mysterious symbols written on the back:

BY GOSH, I THINK HE"S RIGHT!!! Some stranger has written me a secret, coded message and relayed it to me via the handily-provided air sickness receptacle! Thank God I didn't have to blow chunks during the flight!

I post this for you all at this time in the hopes that someone amongst you, perhaps a turtleneck-wearing, tweed-blazer-sporting Robert Langdon type will come forward and decipher this cryptic message. I strongly feel that the key to my future is inscribed on this bag, and so I will sit here on my sofa and bide my time until that person steps forward and all is revealed. (You don't mind if I have a beer and watch soft porn while I wait, do you??)

And how was YOUR week?

WEBCAM PHOTO! Wheeeeee!

2010-01-14T21:49:00.002-04:00

Cheers from me to you direct from Sin City USA!

Country Hicks in Vegas Brave the Strip and Pick Their Noses...

2010-01-14T21:21:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone! Hi Mom! Hi Greg! Hi John Boy and Mary Ellen! We've now spent over 24 hours in Sin City, and I have lots to report. Before I begin I want to reiterate to all and sundry that the man and I are country folks who would far sooner shit in the woods than brave a city crosswalk. Keeping that in mind, here are my impressions, in no particular order, of the Las Vegas I have thus far seen:

Everything on the strip looks close, (likely because of the gargantuan proportions of like, everything, leading one to think that ones ultimate destination is far, far closer than it really is. We only walked from the Palazzo to the Stratosphere and back, and we were both pretty pooped by the time we made it back. I can tell you though that Bob was far, far whinier than I could ever be. He winged and whined about his sore hip, than his sore foot, than his sore other foot, until I almost felt like finding him a wheelchair and pushing his sorry ass around. We both agreed that I would do some shopping on Saturday without him.

You have to be a goddamn millionaire to truly enjoy yourself here. If you're going to stay in a resort on the Strip, start saving now. Everything here costs way too much, leading Bob and I to walk two miles to find a normal, everyday store and buy some snacks and some beer. Their liquor stores here have scary, highway-trooper-type security dudes in them that ask you menacing questions like, "What are you looking for?" but really they mean "Get what you fucking want already and leave, because your window shopping for booze is making my hardened Vegas ass suspicious." Nuff said, outta there.

The air in Vegas is as dry as a popcorn fart, causing me (not gonna lie here) to attempt to pick my nose raw just trying to make it feel less like someone has filled it with crusty concrete.Not only that, in only one day the skin on my legs is so dry that I'm scratching myself to the point that I have a rash on my stretch marks. Of course, three hot bubble baths so far might have contributed to that....

The Strip is very clean. When we headed out on the street at 6 AM to grab some breakfast at Denny's (me is cheap) there were all sorts of dudes out hosing off the sidewalks, cleaning up, I can only imagine, the vomit from the night before. People drink beer here on the street in broad daylight, people. Coming from Hooterville, Nova Scotia, this was somewhat shocking to lil' ol me.

Next Fact: Slot machines are incredibly cheesy, and mostly all the same once you get past the fact that they have different coloured lights on top. And rather addictive too...I can see how some people can sit there, hour after hour, watching their life drain away as they slurp gin and tonics and chase the big prize. ME? I wagered five bucks, played for an hour and managed to come out the other side with fifteen. I consider that successful.

WHOA! Gotta go. Madame Tussauds beckons. Hope they have a statue of Brad Pitt so I can fondle his wax appendages. Update on that later...TaTa!

Shhhhhh! It's four AM in Vegas!

2010-01-14T08:23:00.000-04:00

Ok peeps, I made hit out to Sin City with nary a problem but for the fact that I was awake for 22 hours straight and definitely looked the part. The two flights were awesome, and I can say that because I am likely the most easily amused person on the face of the earth. I spent my downtime at the Halifax Airport speculating if the person across from me was a tranny or just an over-the-top ugly chick. I spent my first flight marvelling at the banana muffin I was provided, and wondering how anyone could make anything taste that industrial and yet have it fill a void. On the second flight, the takeoff was better than sex (Bob pouted when I made that comment) but whatevs.

Coming into Las Vegas was bitchin. I spent almost two hours with my face plastered against the airplane window, marvelling at how nifty earth looks from the sky. Can anyone tell me why the midwest seems to be comprised of fields full of crop circles? I'm sure there's a simple explanation, but I'm too simple a girl to know what it is.

Our first view of The Strip was pretty wicked too. It makes it seem like the whole city just exists to provide workers to service the endless throng of gin-soaked idiots who can't WAIT to blow what little money they have. (That of course would never describe me, as I have never liked Gin. I am scotch-soaked idiot, thank you very much.)

Our first few hours were fairly uneventful as we were so FUCKING TIRED that we both basically fell asleep entangled in bathrobes will all the lights on in our suite. Yeah baby, I said suite, and although it's the most basic suite The Palazzo has to offer, it still makes me feel like I need to dress up just to go and take a crap.

Despite my best efforts at manipulating my sleep patterns and avoding jet lag, I was awake this morning at 3 AM local time and I can't get to sleep, so I decided to cough up the $12.95 per day for room internet access and come hang out in the dark with all of you while my husband snores blissfully ten feet away. I hope you feel special....

I mean, I COULD have taken that dough and headed down to the Casino and made my fortune on the nickel slots. (HAHAHAHA)

Anyway, if I can ever persude my husband to get his ass up, we're planning on venturing out on the strip and seeing some sights. I'll be back later to post some pics when we come back here in the afternoon and crash before tonight's official event at Madame Tussauds.

Have an intense day, y'all, and I'm off to take my second bubble bath in twelve hours. (I could do the backstroke in this tub, y'all!)

Later...

Sluts Are People Too!

2010-01-07T09:12:00.000-04:00

OK, so I've officially decided on my first MUST-SEE in Vegas next week. I was glancing listlessly through some brochures last night, waiting semi-patiently for my damn husband to show up so we could dive into some tacos, when what did my wondering eyes light upon??

The Precious Slut Tattoo Company.

Now THERE'S a phrase that just makes you happy every damn time you manage to work it into casual conversation. I've managed to use it in context at least half a dozen times already, and if at all possible, I'm going to swing by there are get me a Precious Slut tattoo, just so I can spend the rest of my life saying, "You like that tat? Yeah, I got that at the Precious Slut."

I may even loosen the ol' pursestrings and hook myself up with one of their T-Shirts:

Because sluts ARE people too, dammit.

In other news, I had me a hankering for some corn tortillas yesterday, but didn't feel like driving twenty minutes to town to acquire some. So I started surfing for some recipes. And guess what? Every single recipe seemed to call for something called Masa Harina, which, I am sad to say, is not exactly part of our food culture here in the frozen north. So what's a tortilla-lovin' slut to do? Several websites advised me that Masa Harina is damn special stuff, and CANNOT be replaced by corn meal or corn flour.

OH YEAH???? OH YEAH??? Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Unnamed Websites! I will be the FIRST PERSON to ever successfully make tortillas without your precious Masa Harina.

AND GUESS WHAT????

Holy shit, that just didn't work, people.

I gave up and ate soup for supper.

I think the Recipe Development fairy has jumped off my shoulder and fucked off somewhere, because I can't seem to create anything new to safe my life. I was working on some super healthy, extra- whole-grain-ey fruit muffins the day before, and although they looked fairly edible, they had the texture of a Nerf football and were about as flavorful as a plate full of grass clippings. I think I might spread them around the perimeter of my basement and perhaps thin the vermin population a tad.

And finally, an Anonymous comment that I got recently had me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. (Usually the anonymous ones are the folks who want to be discrete when they tell me just how badly I suck.)

++++++++++++++++++++

"Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Ok, assuming that the comment wasn't left by my Mom, I really appreciate that, dear sweet Anonymous Commenter. If you were here, I'd bake you a pie or help you trim your nose hair, because that's what friends are for.

And if it was my Mom, well, gee whiz Mom, you're damn special, if I do say so my damn self. Keep it comin'!

Peace....

I Don't Think Vegas is Ready for Me...Do You????

2010-01-04T09:21:00.000-04:00

OK bitches, guess what yesterday was? Wait, you'll never guess and I don't have that kind of time.

I TURNED THE BIG 4-0!!! Yay, forty years young.

Now, one would think that by the time I hit this ripe old age I'd perhaps have matured a little. I am pleased to inform you that it doesn't seem to have happened as of yet. Perhaps when I hit fifty I'll have learned to act my age, but I somehow doubt it.

The birthday was pretty low key. I read a little, baked a little, did as little housework as possible, and basically scammed family members into rubbing my sore shoulders as often as I could. (What can I say..we just have two feet of snow dumped on us and shovelling sucks ass.) Anyway, I have to take it easy for the next nine days and conserve my energy....because next Wednesday WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS!! YEAH, BABY!

Me and the Hubby are headed away to this Love Nest in the desert for five days of gambling, debauchery and good clean dirty fun. Sounds like the perfect way to usher in my forties, don't you think??

We're staying at the Palazzo Resort, which comes equipped with three televisions in every room, not that we're going to be doing too much hanging out in the room. What's the fun in that? I'll be downstairs in the Casino copping free drinks and pissing in my diaper as I play the slots. Sure, we'll wander into the buffet now and again too. A girl has to keep up her energy if she plans to both frighten and entertain her long-suffering husband.

In preparation for the trip, I made an effort to render myself unrecognizable....How do you think I look as a redhead with a porn star quality moustache???

I really need to be unrecognizable, as an arrest would really put a crimp in my daily schedule of personal debasement.

Now, this trip is going to have to be enjoyed On the Cheap as I am poor. (Most of the expenses are being convered by a Third Party who Shall Remain Anonymous, otherwise known as my Hubby's company.) So, if anyone has any suggestions for cheap eats and cheap thrills, hook me up! And if there happens to be a reader out there just overflowing with cash that needs to rid themselves of some of it, feel free to send it my way, cuz I'd really like to renew my wedding vows in a stretch Hummer while driving up and down the Strip, officiated by an Elvis impersonator. (No, really, I would like to do this. I just need the dough.)

I'll be taking my laptop with me to Vegas so's I can blog about all the adventures we'll be having there. Any Vegas businesses want to invite me over and entertain me? Email me, bitches.

A Quick Howdy-Doo Before I Spend the Evening Scratching my Ass on the Sofa...

2009-12-28T17:44:00.000-04:00

OK, first off, I totally suck at answering comments, which I know guarentees me a lifetime spot in the Negligent Blogger Hall of Fame. I suck. And I know it.

SO, to the folks who were asking me if my seitan filet mignon can be frozen, my answer to that is, Who the hell knows?? It never lasts long enough around here to get that far. I CAN tell you that it stays good in the fridge, bathing contentedly in it's salty juices for at least a week, so if you need to make it ahead, you have some wiggle room.

In other news, just wanna remind you all that ME <-------- Not Vegan. As my header ↑ indicates, our diet is only 95% vegan. We don't stress too much about the occasional schmear of egg or dairy in our meat substitutes. I live in the middle of nowhere and I've learned that it ain't worth the pain to be that fussy. So although I knew there was egg in the Quorn, that wasn't going to stop me from giving it the ol' college try. Now in regards to actual eggs, well...I have't had one for almost four years.

We discovered a new vegan snack this Christmas, in a Sobey's store located in a part of Nova Scotia even less veg-friendly than ours. (I didn't think that was even possible!) Check out this new line of Canadian goodies from a new company called EVO....

We went for the Mexicali Samoasas, and they were pretty good, I think....they had a great crispiness to them, weren't greasy, and certainly weren't in any way unpleasant. They seemed to lack the spicy OOMPH we like, but then again, I've discovered that few people like their food as fiery as we do. It's a wonder we have any tastebuds left, come to think of it.

The only downside was the price. At almost nine bucks for eight appetizer-sized samosas, I think that unless I hang out my red light and start making a little cash on the side, it will be a while before we sample any of their other items. Four tiny pot pies cost almost ten bucks. Hell, for ten bucks I can make ten times that and have enough money for a few beer on the side!

Nevertheless, never a bad thing to have more vegan options in the freezer case.

Coming Soon-I think I'm going to get cozy with a zucchini this week. (Har Har.) Actually, it was my Mom's idea, but she's a little sickie. For now though, the sofa beckons. Let the ass cheek scratching commence!

Christmas Is....

2009-12-24T17:04:00.006-04:00

...a big honkin' cast iron pan full of hypertension-causing, salty as old hell, white-bread rolls swimming in garlicy margarine and drenched in vegan parm.

Not to mention shlepping around the house in a twelve-dollar fake fur camo hat that makes you look like an escaped mental patient. Wearing no makeup adds to the effect...

I say if you're going to abuse the ol' bod at some point during the year, and humiliate yourself by looking ridiculous, this sure is the time. Merry Christmahannakwanaa, you bastards!

(Cheers! Where's the red wine, anyway...?)

Christmas Apathy...with a Dollop of Mycoprotein!

2009-12-23T10:43:00.008-04:00

OMG, I haven't blogged in a month! What's up with that? Well, nothing special really, except that I've been going through a period of serious drop-ass-itis. I basically have felt no motivation to do anything whatsoever, except perhaps sit in front of my fire reading gory novels. One morning, I even put my panties on backwards and didn't have the energy to fix them. I wore them backwards all day. Bet you can't beat that level of lethargy!

Not that we're not having a great time around here. I've been having a blast playing with our new kitty. Pricey is what we like to call a Travelling Kitty. Here he is investigating the sink at Grandma's. (He also fell in the toilet shortly after that but I'll spare you that particular photo....)

We've also been groovin' on some Quorn products that we brought back from Maine, like this "chicken fingers."

I must say, I'm quite jealous of all you fine folks in the US of A who get to buy them all the time. The price is a little steep but as a meat substitute, I think I've never eaten better.

The only thing that's off-putting is reading the back of the box to find out just what the hell we were eating. MYCOPROTEIN??? Yech. Sound like something I scrape from the drip tray under my refrigerator.

Anyway, I was very much put off from blogging for a while as Blogger was being a bitch in regards to posting pictures. Still seems to be the case but I managed to git 'r done this time anyway.

I've got big plans for the new year, so be sure to pop by in about a week so I can tell you all about it. I'll give you a hint: It involves a free trip for two and a whole lot of sinnin'!

Merry Christmas everyone! Peace on earth to all creatures.

Kittens, Road Trips, and Stubborn Husbands

2009-11-22T21:02:00.005-04:00

Ok, me lovies, sorry to freak some people out by my absence, but I have not expired due to a nasty bout of the Swine Flu. (In fact, our family has been surprising healthy whist paddling in a veritable sea of the virus. Perhaps the Swine somehow have sensed our love of All Things Porcine and spared us?? Who knows...)

Nope, I have been absent due to a combination of things. One, I've been playing with the new kitty, who is thus far living up to the quirks of his breed. The Maine Coon is supposed to love the water, and he does. He made the beginner's mistake of somehow rolling in shit in his litter box, and was happy as a clam as we held him under the tap and scrubbed the mess out of his fur. Additionally, he loves to flop over on his back and have his belly rubbed, which in my experience is unusual for a cat.

Also, much like a dog he seems to be most contented when he is with his people. Not necessarily on top of them, but near. Every time I spend more than 60 seconds at the computer, he crawls up my leg and makes himself comfortable.

Next, I've been essentially pouting a little as my gluten-free dreams came to a screeching halt. Hubby Bob basically rebelled after two weeks on the plan, citing an intense desire for toast, veggie bacon and various sauces and condiments that I had declared off limits. (The very fact that this food-loving dude ever had the fortitude to give up meat still amazes me. He is VERY grumpy when denied his favourite treats. ) ~Sigh~ I guess I need to regroup and figure out what to do with all this sorghum. I was just getting my groove on.

Lastly, I JUST CAME BACK FROM MAINE, and boy, did I ever buy a lot of groceries! About $500 worth, to be exact. I didn't mention the fact that I was going away this weekend cuz I didn't want any of you creepers coming to my house and stealing my underwear or some such sick shit like that. But I'm home and tripping over boxes and bags, and I had an amazing time. So I will definitely be telling you all about what I bought, and what I thought!

For now though, I think I'll pour myself a wee snort of Duty-Free Gentleman Jack and join my hubby on the sofa to watch the last Nascar race of the year. (I get so excited when I get to look forward to race-free Sundays.....!)

Until tomorrow then? This girl is beat. Hope you all find it in your hearts to forgive me for an inexcusable absence.

Peace!

I NEED THIS NOOOOOOWWWWW....

2009-11-03T10:21:00.001-04:00

OK, if I can't have this for Christmas, I will simply die....

On Day Six, I Totally Fall Apart...and New Challenges

2009-11-02T14:36:00.003-04:00

Hello all!

Yup, I'll get right to the point. As predicted, my weekend totally derailed my gluten-free efforts (although Hubby is hanging tough.) I forgot my shopping bag full of gluten-free goodies at home, and when I got up Saturday AM for a mess-hall breakfast on my course, and discovered that a green banana was basically my only breakfast option, I totally caved and ate a bagel.

Well.

And, not gonna lie, the bagel was followed later by a course pizza-and-beer party, and I'm afraid that take-out pizza is one my nemesis. Anyhoo....to add a weird PS to that, my odd rash totally went away within hours of eating the bagel. Curiouser and curiouser....

I still plan on following a gluten-free plan for a while yet here at home, cuz I still think my husband will benefit, plus I've got that second mortgage I took out on my home to buy all those quirky flours. Hell, I haven't even touched the sorghum yet! So I'll be keeping you posted.

My husband also warned me today that my bank account is getting dangerously low and I need to lay off the shopping for a while. So meals in the next little bit are also going to have to be cheap. Beans, beans, musical fruit, here we come baby!

At any rate, when I came home last night and checked my email, I had a comment on this here widdle blog that honestly confused me for a minute, cuz I didn't understand what the hell this gal "Heather" was talking about at first:

********

"Your husband realizes this is a living creature and not a pair of shoes right? Jesus christ, what an idiotic rationalization."

*********

Maybe it's because I was tired, but it took me a few beats to figure out that she was talking about our soon-to-be Maine Coon kitty. Well, Heather, I can first of all most definitely tell you that my husband DOES in fact realize that we are getting an animal and not a pair of Jimmy Choo slingbacks. He is not, after all, a drooling vegetable. I guarantee you that he won't try to wear the cat to his upcoming Christmas party.

Also, unless I missed something, I never tried to rationalize the fact that the man wants a purebred and not another shelter cat. If I were rationalizing, it would go something like this:

"OK, so I'm really not a bad person because if I buy a purebred cat, that means someone else won't get that cat and will instead have to go to the SPCA for a cat, so really, it's all the same thing in the end, right??

That, my dear, is what we call in the English language a rationalization.

Nope, no rationalizing here. Just stating the facts. See, in my household, all four members are what I like to call "free", meaning the opposite of robotic slaves, meaning all four of us get to have different opinions on things. Imagine that! My husband is a vegetarian for health reasons. Although sympathetic to animal suffering, it will never be one of his main concerns when it comes to our lifestyle. He comes from a long line of hunters, something he graciously gave up for life because he knows it upsets me.

Furthermore, he is an incredibly hardworking, patient and tolerant man who puts up with a helluva a lot of weird shit on my behalf without complaint and with a wry smile on his face. So, if the man wants to buy a cat this time (our last two were shelter cats) because said breed of cat grows to be enormous and loves to play fetch, than it would be decidedly ungracious (not to mention rather dictatorial) to tell him he can't. As they say in Third Grade, I ain't the boss of him.

Furthermore, I just want to repeat something I've said on a number of occasions: No two people in this world are ever going to agree on everything, and that includes the lengths we feel are necessary to go to in order to life a kind lifestyle. No one ever changed another person's core beliefs by scribbling hateful comments on another person's blog. So grow up, buy yourself a life and get over yourself.

Tomorrow: I have no idea. I'll just have to go now and bake some shit. And oh, I have some comment requests I want to get to. But now I gotta go!

On Day Four, I Have my WTF !!??? Moment....

2009-10-30T08:17:00.005-04:00

I can officially tell you all that the glow is beginning to wear off this little experiment of mine. I have a fair bit of ego when it comes to my fab-you-less baking skills (I learned from the best, eh Mom?) but it seems that getting the hang of this gluten-free baking thing is harder (not to mention pricier) than I ever expected.

Yesterday, I was in the mood for something sweet, and I had found what appeared to be a fabulously easy recipe for gluten-free chocolate brownies. Sure, the recipe required eggs, but I've been working around that little issue for years. I figured if I went with flax "eggs" instead I'd be good to go. And since I was already feeling so clever, I also had the idea to make the brownies in my mini-muffin pan and make them "two-bite" brownies.

The batter certainly looked perfect....

It was supposed to take 30 minutes to bake, but I set the timer for fifteen minutes instead, just to check up on my little fudgy babies. I went about my business, and when I heard the bell ding and returned to the oven, WTF???? THIS is what I found:

All eighteen of my brownies-to-be ejaculated out of their muffin tins and flooded the entire pan (and my oven too, of course) with hot molten chocolate lava. As soon as the pan hit the cool air, it started to immediately solidify into something resembling a cross between Laffy Taffy and concrete. As I type this, the whole damn pan is out of my veranda in a giant bucket full of water, as I attempt to loosen this godforsaken slop off my brand- new pan. Later, I get to experience even more thrills as I scrub this shit off the bottom of my oven.

Talk about dejected. That seemed to be the perfect time to help myself to a little treat I'd been saving for just such a low moment: Gluten-Free beer!

It's called Glutaner, and it's made from sorghum, whatever the hell that is. (The word "sorghum" for some reason makes me thinks of greasy fat guys in overalls driving battered pick up trucks. No idea why....) I had been excited for a couple of days to give these puppies a try, because if I ever were to be diagnosed with celiac disease, I think I would miss beer the most.

So I popped open a cold one and gave it a whirl. According to The Beer Advocate website, this beer gives a " Fair hint of apple cider on the nose with an unpleasant sour, almost meaty character hidden at the back. Fairly sweet with not much hoppiness, also fairly weak."

Another dude states that Glutaner "Smell is grainy and somewhat oily, it reminds me of a rye beer. There is a herbal and spicy smell which is probably due to the grains which make the beer smell pretty fresh and inviting. Taste is cider-like with all of it's characteristics, dry, slightly tart with apple notes and grape-like dryness. There is some oiliness of the grains. I find the body to be too light, even for a pilsener. Aftertaste is dry and stops after swallowing. "

And me: I just thought it tasted like beer. Clearly, I will not be embarking on a second career as a beer taster.

Supper was delicious, though, so at least the day ended on a high note. We had oven baked potatoes, vegetables, and some tofu wingz, breaded with rice flour, cornstarch and cornmeal. Delish.

Alas, I will not be able to update again until Sunday night, as I am headed to CFB Shearwater for the last weekend in the course I've been taking to be promoted to a Lieutenant. There's supposed to be a big party tomorrow night, plus I'll be eating in the Officer's Mess, which has a very limited menu and seems to be averse to vegetarians. Mostly I've been eating french fries and peanut butter sandwiches. We'll see how the gluten-free thing works out for me. I'm notoriously weak in these kinds of situations, so I'll see you all Sunday and fill you in. In the meantime, have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Peace!

On Day Three, I want to Rip My Arms off and Beat My Husband Over the Head with Them...

2009-10-29T07:31:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, my husband pissed me off. (Sorry Hun, but you know it's true.) It started with breakfast. Nothing we had seemed to please him, and he stomped around the kitchen with a perma-pout. He didn't want gluten free toast, he didn't want Cream of Rice cereal (too much like gruel, he claims) and he didn't want waffles. He ended up eating Thai Kitchen curry noodles (weird, but he likes shit like that in the AM) but proclaimed them "bland." Then, he moved on to a bowl of gluten-free Cheerio imposters....

He ate a whole bowl of them, put down his spoon and then stated, "Well, I'll never do THAT again." Oh, that was sooooo helpful, my dear.

Clearly he was just sour at not being to choose from his usual plethora of breakfast foods. I'll also have to blame detox irritability, because otherwise he was just being a jerk. I then tried these Whole-O's, as did my son, and I have to say that they pretty damn good. They even stay super crunchy in milk. A very acceptable substitute, methinks.

I casually mentioned that we were having pasta for supper, and he made a face that looked like a cross between constipation and getting a flu shot. When I insisted that he explain his sour look, he announced that he was quite certain that the gluten-free pasta I bought would taste like shit. I then forced to go to work before I killed him stone dead right in the middle of my kitchen mat.

As it turned out, he mellowed as the day went on, and also, he was wrong about the pasta. We all agreed that it was very good.

I meant to take a picture of the entire meal but we were all so damn hungry (and in a deep philosophical discussion about what to wear for Hallowe'en) that I plumb forgot. You'll get over it.

Yesterday I also regret to report that I experienced a colossal failure in the kitchen. I attempted to make the French Bread recipe from The Gluten-Free Gourmet Bakes Bread. I followed the recipe exactly, except for the fact that I left out the gelatin and subbed a flax seed "egg" for the two egg whites the recipe called for. Should have been OK, right?

WRONG.

This bread has the consistency of a tubular beige cinder block. I could probably keep these around the house for a while in case I need to beat off an intruder. And see the little white spot on the corner where I tore of a taste-test nibble? It tastes about as yummy as a goat's ballsac. Absolutely vile. Sour, with a weird aftertaste that for some reason makes me think of those disinfectant cakes in public urinals.

So, no more of that book for me. I think I'll look elsewhere for some simpler recipes.

Also, the rash on my arms has gotten worse. Itchy as a bitch and gross looking too. I've racked my brain to come up with might be causing it, other than a detox reaction, but I'm coming up with nada. I'm using the same soaps, same cleaning products, and I'm not baking with anything I haven't baked with before. I'm baffled. I popped one of my husband's allergy pills this morning in an attempt to get some relief, because scratching it is definitely not making it better. Any suggestions??

Today, I think I may just attempt some brownies. And also attempt to fine someone to give me a decent haircut for a change. Wish me luck...

Peace!

Day Two Starts with a Bang, Ends with a Rash...

2009-10-28T08:12:00.007-04:00

No really, it really did start with a bang. Not that that is in any way your business, however.

Yesterday, as I had predicted, I felt the need to make crackers. Not just any crackers, but a nice slew of cheez and jalapeno crakcers. My daughter has been nagging me to make some, so I figured maybe I'd oblige but force her to enjoy them gluten-free.

Unfortunately, I could not seem to find any one recipe that seemed to match what I wanted and also what I had on hand. Because here's what I've discovered already: Gluten-free recipes seem to involve an astronomical amount of different flours, potions and ground up thingies, most of which seem to require a hunting expedition at the supermarket, many of which cost more than my last dental appointment, and a lot of which seem to be absolutely integral to one, (but only one) recipe that I'm desperate to make. And even those ingrediants I WAS lucky enough to posess were usually required in an amount that staggered me sideways and rendered my little stash of said item all but useless.

Check out this by-no means exhaustive static display I just ran out in the kitchen and created:

This does not even include all the flours I have in unattractive, unphotogenic plastic bags from the Bulk Barn.

So I cheated a little. Although I know about as much about gluten-free baking as say, my cat Stanley, I've never let ignorance stop me before! So I decided to combine this cracker recipe from the Vegan Lunchbox along with some basic tips from this cookbook:

This is a lovely book, obviously well written and well researched. I am sure that this lady has done her homework. I'm also equally sure that she was a Trust Fund baby, because I am so not lying when I say it would cost you thousands of dollars to whip up the breads in this here book. And again, most recipes involve a laundry list of pricey, hard to find shit along with a heaping dose of animal products. (Most recipes involve eggs and/or gelatin. Uh-Uh. Not gonna go there, gelatin....

So I took a deep breath, surveyed what I had and plunged in. And it turned out OK!

Now, I could tell you what I put in these, but I hate to repeat a recipe that involved a whole bunch of alien powders that I suspect you don't have and will never use again. Not only that, although they turned out just fine, I suspect that there's nothing all that sponge-worthy about them.

I used my handy-dandy new fish cookie cutter to make some widdle fishies....(although actually, once I really looked at it I realized that it was actually a whale...)

I had a hard time getting the fluke to stay on, so halfway through I decided to go with the much easier flower.... They looked so tempting in the sunlight that I couldn't help but have a nibble..

So, yes, methinks that this recipe was a success despite the fact they have more of a sugar-cookie-esque texture than a crispy one. I may rework my formula to be a helluva a lot simpler and post it someday. In the meantime, at least I have something to dunk in my soup for the next few days!

And speaking of soup....I used a can of Hominy (yes, I bought Hominy again) and used it to make a biggish pot of chili for supper. It was, as they say, divine. Sure, I could have plated it nicely and made it look oh-so alluring in the fading fall sunset...but I said fuck it, it's been a long day. I slopped it in plastic containers and moved on.

SOOOO, is the gluten-free thing having any effect at all?? Well, I did develop a very itchy rash last evening up and down my arms. It feels like a brigade of fire ants are having their annual picnic up my sleeves. Could be a detox effect, could be that I'm about to die from some tragic and unusual disease. Only time will tell...in the meantime I soldier on.

BTW..In response to all your comments, no, I don't salt my beans when I cook 'em, and yes, I am actually somewhat deathly afraid of pressure cookers. I keep imagining them malfunctioning and blowing my eyeballs out the back of my head. I think perhaps I'll maintain the status quo for now....But thanks for the tips everyone!

Peace!

On Day One, I Found Out That Headcheese is Gluten-Free...

2009-10-27T08:06:00.007-04:00

So, day one of my great gluten-free experiment is now over, and I'm happy to report that I didn't have any further near-vomiting episodes. I did however get intensely queasy when I sat down to browse for supper ideas in this delightful cookbook I borrowed from Ye Olde Public Library:

This little gem originated in the year 1983, and was so damn popular that this was a third edition. The flyleaf states that the recipes within contain "simple, everyday ingredients." I was of course excited, as I am a Simple Everyday Girl.

I'm browsing along, snuggled up on my sofa with a steaming mug of gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free (and taste free) green tea, when I spy this little number:

This makes me wonder if every homemaker in the early 80's just "happened" to have pigs feet and pork hocks just lying around. Perhaps our family was just unusual for the time period.

So, as tempting as this recipe was, I decided that I'd go for something a little more appropriate and less-nausea producing for supper. I decided to go with......wait for it......CHICKPEAS!! Yay! I sure does love me some chick peas.

In fact, I have a feeling that I could spend an entire year making shit out of chickpeas and never make the same thing twice. The only thing I DON'T ever do is eat them as-is. (You know, like, whole.) While I admire their flavour, their nutrition, and the fact that you can get fifty pounds of them for less than the price of a paperback, I sure do despise the fact that the little fuckers NEVER, EVER GET SOFT. (I mean jeez, even my husbands equipment gets soft once in a while!) They crunch between my teeth in a most unpleasant way, so you'll never find me throwing them in a soup. So, the chickpea shall be as meat for moi and the rest of the Fam.

My other difficulty with the chickpea is the fact that you need to be a planner when they're involved. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to process some chickpeas into something resembling a meal, only to realize that I neglected to soak them first. Or conversely, how many bowls of chickpeas I've soaked to the point of rotten because I changed my mind about the menu at the last minute. Chickpeas are tricky for a spur-of-the-moment gal like me. And don't even get me started on canned chickpeas....not the same at all.

Anyway, here we go. I remembered the soak the dry chickpeas overnight, (1 1/2 cups dried) rinsed and drained them, and processed them in my trusty food processor. Not alone, mind you...they shared the space with 3 Tbsp ketchup, 3 Tbsp gluten-free soya sauce, 2 Tbsp water, and a small diced onion.

___

What I then had was a bowl of glop that looked kinda like head cheese of another kind. Gross, but with so darn much potential! I soon perked it up by adding 1/3 cup ground flax seeds, 1/8 cup chickpea flour, 1/4 cup brown rice flour, 1 tsp pepper, 2 tsp salt, 1 tsp garlic powder, 1 tsp onion powder, 1 Tbsp dried chives, 1 Tbsp gluten free vegan chicken bouillon, and 1/2 tsp poultry seasoning.

I rolled them into small balls and baked them at 375 degrees on an oiled pan, and presto! A gluten free, fat free, protein packed addition to our evening repast that didn't involve cutting the legs off Porky.

Don't they look beautiful sitting there in the afternoon sun, my two balls on a platter? Very evocative.

Today, I plan to tackle crackers, as I yeared all day for something salty and crunchy. Tune in tomorrow, same time, same channel, for a Day Two update.

Peace!

Out the Door Wit Ya, Effing Gluten!

2009-10-26T07:36:00.004-04:00

So, today's Monday. I just love Mondays...every successful project I've ever had has started on a Monday, so let's hope this one is no different.

It's like this: Me and my better half are giving up gluten for at least three weeks.

There. I've said it and now I can't take it back. I know, it's the last thing you'd expect from me, considering how much time I've spent over the last three years making seitan. (I've spent more money on gluten than I have on entertainment). But I have long suspected that my husband's troubles are related to a gluten sensitivity, and I wanted to find out. Unfortunately my husband is extremely fond of his gluten and was resistant to the idea. (Think mule.) But finally, his skin troubles have worsened to the point that his misery will not allow him to not co-operate.

Check out this disgusting pic.....this is what the front of his shins look like, and they've looked like that almost the entire time I've known him. Actually, it's looking pretty good today....just a week ago though it was oozing fluid and was half raw.

The only time this ever got better was about ten years ago when he was taking very powerful drugs to try and alleviate his Crohn's disease. He had to stop taking the drugs, though, due to extreme nausea. Clearly, the appearance of his skin is directly related to what's going on inside.

So, he's going to give the whole no-gluten thing a shot, and since I could use a good detox myself, I'm going to do it with him. I'm actually moist with excitement about it, and my head is just about bursting with all kinds of mischief I can get into in the kitchen.

Like yesterday. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail, and I know from experience that the quickest way to blow a food plan is to get crazy with cravings and give in. So, although we're going to try and stick to whole foods like vegetables, nuts, seeds, etc, every once in a while a person just has to have a cookie.

So yesterday I baked up a big batch of gluten-free chocolate chip cookies and put them in the freezer for just such a craving.

And, I whipped up some white rice bread using a mix from Kingsmill, which I've used before and liked a lot.

My nost daughter just couldn't help herself and managed to grab three cookies while I was distracted, and proceeded to tell me that they are JUST DELICIOUS, MOM.

She then insisted she needed to toast up a slice of the bread for breakfast, just to taste-test it, ya know? Her review on the bread was "it's better than just eating the spread off your hand, cuz that would be sticky. It's like a spread-conveyance device."

High praise, indeed. Certainly not as tasty as our usual bread, but it fills a void.

Breakfast on Day One consisted of fruit salad, using what I happened to have on hand, which wasn't a hell of a lot: Bananas, pineapple, and apple and a can of mandarin oranges.

This breakfast left my husband decidedly sour. When I gently asked what was wrong (in my usual kindly way) he advised me never to put fucking mandarin oranges in anything he eats, ever again. And what was I thinking using a ripe banana? Don't I know that he likes his bananas green as grass and hard as hell?

Ahem. I told him where he could put his bananas and we moved on with our day.

We washed the fruit down with a simple green drink, consisting of spinach, pinapple and orange juice, (my fave combo.)

I've made this smoothie a zillion times, but something just wasn't right about it today. This conversation ensued:

Me: "There's something wrong with this smoothie. It tastes weird. I can't place it."

Bob: "I can tell you what it is. It tastes like mud. It has an aftertaste of dirt."

Me: (Nodding sagely.) "Well, that will teach me to buy expired spinach off the discount rack. Oh well, it's like Gillian McKeith says, you just have to drink it, you don't have to like it."

At this point I slurp up the rest of my smoothie in one long suck, including the gooey sediment on the bottom, and then I proceed to very nearly vomit it all back in my glass. Not even kidding. It was all I could do to keep it down. In fact, I'm getting a little queasy reliving that moment....next topic!

So, we're off to a slightly shaky start but I feel confident. Check back tomorrow and I'll fill you in on the rest of today's adventures. I'm off to town to locate sorghum flour, which I've never heard of before but I'm sure will be just lovely.

Peace!

Vaginal Freshness...Thanksgiving Tofurkies.

2009-10-25T06:09:00.007-04:00

Dammit, every time I get on here I end up having to apologize for being so negligent lately re: my blogging duties. Well, my negligent days are about to come to an end. My multitude of part time jobs and/or training sessions are about to come to an end, and I should have tons more time on my hands. So watch out!

I did have time to whip up an amazing seitan turkey for Canadian Thanksgiving, which we celebrated recently... (If you call cramming in a quick meal together "celebrating"...)

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I like to cook it in a juice can, cuz it makes it nice 'n pretty to slice and it keeps that damn stuffing inside where it belongs. I must say, this is likely one of my best recipes ever. It's my go-to recipe for every special occasion from here on out. Can't wait for Christmas...mmmmm....

In other news....we're getting a new cat! We visited him at the breeder last week. He's a purebred Maine Coon, and I must say, he's a very pretty boy. We bring him home on November 10th.

Now, I can already hear all the indignant muttering out there in Blogland...I should be giving a stray cat a home rather than supporting more cats to be bred, and so on and so forth. Yeah, I know, and I actually agree with you. If my husband were dead I would have gone straight from the funeral parlour to the local animal shelter. However, he is actually quite allergic to cats...just touching the one we have now gets hiseyes watering and his sinuses plugged.

But, hearing about these particular cats so entranced him he was willing to suffer a little in order to own one. They can grow to be up to 25 pounds, play fetch and love the water, just like a dog. Hubby wanted one with very specific colouring and markings, and we had our name on a list for over two years waiting for just the right cat (as per Hubby) to be born. So, I'll go along with this one because he's such a great husband and supports every crazy thing I want to do.

Now for a few random thoughts....Did you know that they know make a breath mint for your vagina? Absolutely true, you can buy them here. Personally, I say if you want to freshen up the ol' box you just pop in an Altoid or something.

Secondly, I just had an amazing product idea. I think they should make a Mr. Potato Head with interchangeable genitals, pasties, crotchless panties, etc. You could make yourself a tranny potato or a lap dancing potato! Fun times! My daughter thought I was being funny when I said this but I'm absolutely serious. Think of the fun you could have at a Bachellorette party!

Lastly...I was reading a blurb on the Huffington Post yesterday about the most ridiculous and wasteful consumer products of all time, and I discovered, for the first time ever, Handerpants.

Far from finding them ridiculous, I was entranced! This may just be the loopiest product of all time, and you know what that means! Yup, within five minutes I'd ordered a set for son for Christmas. Shhhh....don't tell him! There's nothing like that moment on Christmas morning when you're certain that Mom has finally gone off the deep end. Me loves that...:0)

Check back tomorrow for a very exciting (food related!) project that I'm working on, that means I'll be blogging ALMOST EVERY DAY for the next little while. Yup, you sure are lucky, I know.

You Have Questions...I Have Answers! And, I Hereby Boycott Vegan MoFo...

2009-10-08T07:53:00.008-04:00

I am a baaaaaad little blogger. I know it. You know it. But I have an excuse....I've just been so FUCKING BUSY that some days I meet myself at the door going and coming.

I've gone from having one Joe Job that I slept through on a daily basis to seven or so part time gigs, all of which I'm passionate about but few of which make me money. Like today....I'm packing my backpack because tomorrow morning I head off on a two day, two night hiking expedition during which I will teach Map and Compass, trekking and camping skills to eight or so fifteen year olds. Oh, and we're camping here....

Ain't that just too pretty? Nothing like sleeping next to a babbling brook. A babbling brook with bears all around it. Should be interesting.

Next, I held my first ever seminar for the county Department of Recreation on dealing with menopause naturally. I was scared shitless, not gonna lie, but it turned out great and I think all the ladies at least had a good time. I heard one of them say to her friend on the way out, "I haven't laughed that much in a really long time!"

If I can't prevent their chin whiskers, at least I can get them to find it funny. That's important, I think.

I'm also swamped with work for the cadet organization. I get paid for only 2 1/2 days a month for it, but naturally I actually put in about ten. It's worth it for the kids. Last week was promotions! My kidlets both got promoted, the hardworking little darlings...

Anyway, I've been terribly slack about blogging and also about answering your inquiries, so I'm trying to catch up on both, so here goes...I've checked my comments and I plan on giving your questions and comments the face time they deserve.

First up...A question from Thei:

Hi Tracy! been following your blog for quite some time now and you have provided inspiration as well as much needed variety into my diet.Could you pretty please post up this recipe as i would love to ry this out for myself. Im a lacto ovo veggie but trying to go vegan and even though i have talent in the kitchen, you simple take it to new levels!Many thanks"

OK, the recipe Thei is referring to is the fake seitan bacon I played with a bit back in the day.

It looked amazing, but tasted kinda like smoky shoe leather. It was a work in progress, and considering my current lack of time and the fact that I'd need a bank loan for that much gluten flour, I kinda gave up. Wasn't worth it in the end. However, my back bacon recipe is pretty good; you can see it here.

Next up, Jeffrey had a comment on my recent rant on the Change of Life:

Thanks for the article. My wife and I have been researching extensively on how best to treat her menopausal symptoms and have discovered bioidentical hormone therapy. Here is a website that has helped us learn a lot,http://bodylogicmd.com/for-women/menopause-and-her-ugly-sisters

Ok Jeffrey. If you're going to troll blogs using Google Search and try to drum up business for your website-slash-product, you really kinda need to actually READ the blog post you're commenting on first. The fact that you seem to imply my post had any value to anyone menopausal was a big clue that you're just some sort of SEO type.

Next, this pithy comment from someone in, I presume, Taiwan:

I am from Taiwan! If you want to visit Taiwan, welcome to my site visits and Zhijiao, I will provide various guided tours and guided tours .

Well thank you very much, strange foreign person. Next time I'm in the neighbourhood I'll have to look you up. That tour sounds fascinating.

Now for an Anonymous comment:

I wish you health and happiness every day! Ich wun... I wish you health and happiness every day!Ich wunsche Ihnen Gluck und Gesundheit jeden Tag!Je vous souhaite sante et bonheur chaque jour!

Thanks very much. I'm touched in a way I haven't been since I was seventeen and in the back seat of my mother's Buick.

/////////////////////////////

As you can see, the fascinating comments never end. Anyway, I'm hoping to check back in with y'all on a more regular basis. However, I am boycotting Vegan MoFo. Not only is the food I'm cooking lately beyond boring, I'm also not going to kid myself about posting anywhere near that regualarly. But for those of you who are, I'm looking forward to seeing what y'all are doing out there.

Until then, Peace Out!

PS: Another reason I've been busy is that I just sold my second article to Saltscapes magazine. I wish I could post a link to the article, but it isn't available online. (Sad face.) However, you can see what my byline looked like here.

Let's Talk About Menopause!

2009-09-22T07:39:00.010-04:00

OK, so I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about menopause. Not that I'm currently in the throes of it or anything, God Forbid, but mainly because I'm doing a seminar on it for the Department of Recreation next month. Yeah, that's right, MENOPAUSE, or as others seem to want to call it, "The Change of Life."

Now, I do in fact has a personal interest in this topic, because although mentally I think I'm still a youthful and juvenile 18, this poor old body of mine is teetering on the edge of he big 4-0, and it's a fact that I am very likely already on the slip 'n slide that is Perimenopause. (Otherwise known as the Years in Which You Begin to Dread The Whiskers You Will Be Sprouting Soon Enough.)

Oh yes, the whiskers. I think if there is one thing I dread the most it is the fact that will likely start to sprout wiry hairs out of places that hair really doesn't belong. (But really, doesn't puberty kinda involve the same thing? Why on earth would Mother Nature want us to grow hair in our asscrack, anyway?)

There's been many occasions in my life when I've been trying to have a conversation with some poor menopausal gal, but I kept getting distracted by the crop of bristles growing out of her chin. (Or her wart. Or her nose. For Gawd's sake ladies, that's what tweezers are for!) I have to confess that I've always found these untended, wayward hairs mesmerizing. I can assure you that the INSTANT I get a big 'ol hair growing out of my face I'm booking a standing appointment for electrolysis. Even my 80 year old totally senile grandmother roused herself out of her dementia long enough to beg me to pluck her face for her.

I've also been reading a lot about the upcoming disaster that is Vaginal Dryness. The way the books describe it, it's going to be like a guy sticking his doink in a tunnel of 30-grit sandpaper while getting razor burn on his face from your lady-whiskers. Doesn't sound particularly romantic to me. I might as well buy myself a ten gallon drum of K-Y and get is installed under my bed right now.

The only thing I'm not dreading is the mood swings. Really, who wouldn't love to have an excuse to just be as bitchy as you want to be on any given day and have the perfect excuse? Right now, when I give in to the desire to tear someone a new asshole I really have nothing to blame it on.

A quick Google Image search on the topic really muddies the waters. I mean, does menopause mean that I'll be bloated and itchy, as this cartoon suggests? (Not to mention make my bosoms grow to watermelon-like proportions...)

Or does it mean that menopause will likely make me "sexually flexible", as this picture seems to suggest? (If so, I'm sure my husband will enjoy these upcoming years far more than myself.)

Will menopause make me finally really enjoy a good salad, like this lady, who seems absolutely gleeful to finally be going through The Change.....

Or will I develop a ravenous need to gnaw on big weenies, as this picture suggests?

Oh wait! Now I know what causes so much discomfort during menopause. It's because you have a giant orange horseshoe up your box! No wonder sex becomes more painful!

At any rate, there's not much I can do about it but sit back and enjoy the ride. I take comfort in the fact that we vegetarans apparently have a much easier time of it during the Big Change, and also that I have my beautician on speed dial.

Anybody out there got a funny anectdote about The Change? Drop me a line and tell me all about it!

Slothfulness Update! And A Crew of Roadside Urinators!

2009-09-15T08:50:00.019-04:00

Hey Bloggo-buddies! How's hanging, anyway? Sorry to be such a stranger, but heck, I've been kinda busy half the time and kinda enjoying doing not much of anything the rest of the time. We all need a break now and then, eh?

The good news is, after a long summer of eating boring slop at cadet camp, my desire to get my ass in the kitchen and create is heating up again. Check out this half-bulgur, half-cornmeal, low-sugar blueberry loaf I made the other day:

Pretty, right? Too bad it tasted like damp, crunchy cat litter. Back to the 'ol drawing board on that one!

I also ponied up some serious cash at the supermarket and tried this: It's All Good Tuscan Style Chik'n Breasts.

Considering I laid out six smackeroos for just two of these, I expected all that and a bag of chips. But I was cranky right out of the gate when I saw that they basically looked like recently-removed cat brains. (You may be grossed out, but you can't say I'm not right, now admit it....)

These are pretty much, (if not exactly) the same fake shit that President's Choice uses in their dee-licious Meatless Breasts, but these boil-in-the-bag babies had the consistency of a rubber ball and about as much flavour as my wool socks after a hot day in my combat boots. Eight vociferous thumbs down from The Fam on this one.

In other news, we've been busy scraping and repainting out 90-year old farmhouse. No new fangled vinyl siding for this bunch! I kinda like my house to feel a little old-fashioned, you know? And it breathes in the winter, meaning we stay healthier. Ok, so the snow sometimes drifts in under the back door, but whatevs. That's what warm socks and The Snuggie were made for.

Of course, school is back in. (WooHoo!) My kids are growing up so damn fast; they're in grades 9 and 10 this year. Another few years and Courtney will be off to college, and I can knock out a wall upstairs and have the walk-in closet I've always dreamed of..:0)

In other exciting news, they're paving in Hooterville! Our street (which is the home of two schools, BTW) is finally getting the road paved, (and all it took was a bunch of kids hitting their heads on the bus roof after the bus hit a bad dip in the road and, as the kids say it, "made air."

Cool. As you can see, the road crew is about as energetic as every other road crew the world over. I don't know if you can make this out, but one guy is working and three other guys are propped up on their shovels shooting the shit and watching him work.

They even had to fix up the end of our driveway in the process. They actually did a nice job, which they damn well better have since they asked my husband's persmission for the crew to piss behind my garage. Yes, you read that right, they wanted to use my asparagus and rhubarb patch as their own private urinal. Hubby gave permission before thinking that one through. Thank God the asparagus and rhubarb season is long over for this year!

Anyway, I'm busier than a cow calving and I've got a lot of shit on the go, but I hope to get back to postin' right regular like. So drop by again soon! Kisses and one-handed gropes to you all.....:0)

The Great Garden Disaster of 2009...

2009-09-03T07:20:00.010-04:00

I have always had a garden throughout my adult life, even the year I had an apartment and had to lobby the building owner to let me plant cucumbers in the flower bed. (True story....see how weird I am??!) In fact, most years The Man and I get so enthusiastic that we're able to feed half the block with the shit our garden produces. There's nothing more satisfying than prowling the neighbourhood on a warm summer night, looking for people who left their car doors open so you can leave a baseball-bat sized zucchini on their passenger seat. That just reeks of love to me.

But this year, our efforts at gardening were shot all to hell through a combination of crappy weather, sneaky deer and a frustrated ex-hunter. The result of our collective misery was this:

Yup, it appears that have achieved a bumper crop of hay this year. Makes me feel like going down to the Feed 'n Seed and getting me a goat or something.

Goddammit, what HAPPENED? I know you're wondering. Well, first off the weather this spring sucked balls. It rained every single damn day for weeks, I swear, meaning that it was late May before we even had a seed in the ground. But then we lovingly planted it all and sat back to wait for the veggies to roll in. And we danced gleefully around when the first few shoots poked out of the dirt. All was well.

And then, Bambi happened.

Now, I live in the country, which means that on any given day I can look out the window while I'm having my breakfast and see all sorts of wildlife strolling around. And we have deer. A shit load of them, quite frankly, and that's why we have this handy-dandy stupid looking fence all the way around our precious garden.

This fence may not be pretty. Heck, it only serves to add to the whole backwoods-redneck-trailer-trashy type vibe we've got going on, what with the sofa we used to have on the veranda and the "Nascar Fans Park Here" sign on our garage. But, it was cheap and did the job of keeping most of God's larger critters away from my edibles.

Until Bambi apparently learned to shimmy.

Now, this fence really goes almost all the way to the ground, but according to my husband, who swears he's never lied to me, (HA!) the deer have in fact been spotted writhing on their stomachs in the dirt in order to get under the fence and eat our tomatoes.

I admit that I'm skeptical, but I was away at cadet camp and cannot confirm or deny the supposed acrobatic abilities of these forest-dwellers. All I know is that my husband got so disgusted at seeing his hard work reduced to stems each and every morning that he just said "FUCK IT!", threw up his hands and let the garden turn into the massive hayfield that I enjoy today.

Now, back in the day, my former Mighty Hunter of a Husband would have grabbed his rifle and reduced our interlopers to venison. However, as a result of his newfound appreciation for the wonders of nature (and the fact that I would castrate him while he slept) the deer were free to have their way with our goodies. And they did. There's not a hell of a lot that survived the onslaught.

But wait! if you look closely, you can see that not all is lost. Amidst the shrubbery you can pick out a few sturdy basil plants....

....a few squash that may or may not amount to anything worth picking....

HECK! If I get out the scythe and mow down the waist-high flora, I think I may be able to salvage a dozen or so good sized onions!

Ah well. I'm disappointed that my Significant Other gave up so quickly, but what can you do? Sometimes you win, sometimes it's Mother Nature. Personally, I take it as a sign to always be humble and respect the fact that we live in tune with the earth, not apart from it. There will be other summers and other gardens, and at least I have the pleasure of seeing the deer out back in the morning under the apple trees. And they truly are beautiful.

Peace!

Mystery Mail from Scranton

2009-08-27T08:18:00.009-04:00

So, I'm only home like, one day before I get that oh-so familiar card in the mail indicating that there's a parcel at Ye Olde Post Office that needs to be picked up. Now normally something like that would absolutely make my whole damned day, but this time, it just made me suspicious. I wasn't expecting anything in the mail and I was frankly a little concerned about what it could possibly be.

It was with a hearty dose of wariness that I accepted the package from the smiling mail-chick. Nothing on the outside of the package indicated what it could be. And it was from Scranton! Scranton, of all places! What the...? I honestly was wondering if I had managed to piss someone in Scranton off enough that I was on the receiving end of some international hate mail.

I even went so far as to put the strange package in the trunk of my car rather than the seat beside me, as I was thinking that if it was some sort of anti-veg*n letterbomb that it would do much less damage from back there.

Once home, I sliced the edge of it open with exceptional care and attention, jumping back and away just in case a big tarantula were to crawl out and bite me. But guess what? I need not have worried. I sighed in relief to see that it was just a cookbook and not a poisonous animal.

And what a cookbook! It was a big, glorious book called "Love Soup" by Anna Thomas that I had been asked to review a few months ago and had forgotten all about. Silly me. Too much going on in my life, methinks.

Now, I confess that I rarely use cookbooks, with the exception of some baking. However, I have a disproportionate love of reading them, and I can tell you that this one is very entertaining. There are 160 different recipes, all vegetarian and mostly vegan. Most are for soup, but there's also quite a few recipes for shit that you eat with the soup. I haven't yet finished looking through it (I'm saving the second half for this afternoon, to be savoured in my sunny backyard with a glass of icy white wine) but I'll get back to you when I do. I'm definitely going to be test-driving some of these recipes.

Some sound delicious (like Spicy Black Bean soup with Sweet Peppers) and others make me want to gag just contemplating them. (Like Lima Bean soup. Anna, what the hell were you thinking with that one? Lima beans are the gaggiest of the bean family, and I'd rather gargle camel snot than eat one, not gonna lie.)

I'll be getting back to you about the recipes, but just from glancing through, I can tell you that the recipes are laid out in an easy-to-read way and are arranged in the book by type and the time of year you would normally eat them. Although, contrary beeyotch that I am, I think I'll make a nice winter soup first, just because....:0)

Well, that's it for me for today. I'm off to chill the Sauvignon Blanc and lay out the lawnbed. Later, gators....

Kiss my Vegetarian Backside, Anonymous Commenter!

2009-08-26T07:15:00.009-04:00

I'm baaaaaack, everyone, after almost two full months away at Army Cadet camp, and I'm raring to go! I didn't mean to leave you all quite so abruptly, but, well...I had lots of last minute shit to do and not enough time to do it in. Get over it already.

I'm happy to report that I survived the summer, despite being moved abruptly mid-summer from an Army training facility to a Sea Cadet facility, due to an outbreak of the Swine Flu. Whilst there, I was able to engage in some serious hard-core training, like this radical climbing wall....

And this one......

Other times I just hung around....

Yup, the training was intense, but luckily I was able to fuel up every day with a nice plate of potatoes in various disguises and boiled vegetables. (Cadet camps are not known for their top-notch cuisine, especially if you're a veggie.) I've eaten far too many potatoes than is good for me, and I can feel it in my joints. Time for a bit of a detox, me thinks...

In my absence, I only received 35 comments, the vast majority of which were weird Chinese spam that seemed to be about Michael Jackson and/or Viagra. I think most of you have lurked around long enough to know where I jetted off to. However, the last one I got gave me a bit of a laugh. And I quote:

Anonymous said...
So many meat substitutes, they will never match the real things. Sounds like your suppressing your secret urge to eat meat, with all these fakes. i hope you dont force being vegan on your family. humans = omnivore lol

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Snort* *Chuckle* *ROTFLMAO.... (Juice shoots out nose all over keyboard)

Now, I find this one funny on so many levels that it honestly made my day. Allow me to explain...

A: I think people who leave anonymous derogatory comments on random blogs to really be the Big Fat Losers of the Internet world, somewhere just below those sad folks who use fake pictures of themselves to try and get themselves a date on Plenty of Fish.

I mean, there are all kinds of people whose lifestyle I don't agree with. In fact, being as contrary as I am, I tend to think that there's almost no one on the planet that I agree with all the time, and that includes my own family. I disagree with the Hari Krishnas, the American Kennel Club, the Right to Life, the Mormons, the Fruitarians, the swingers, and the 4H club, just to name a few. I guess I could spend my time scouring websites I don't happen to like and leave pithy-but-nasty comments on them for their viewing pleasure, but guess what? I'm actually too busy out there having a life. Anonymous Commenter, why don't you send me your email and I'll give you an address where you can go out and buy a life of your own? I would consider it a public service.

B: "I hope you don't force being vegan on your family." Dude, of course I do! I also make them go to sleep every night (not easy with teenagers, BTW) brush their teeth once a week whether they need it or not, and flush the toilet after they do their business. I even force my daughter to wipe her butt from front to back, ogre that I am.

But seriously, Anonymous putz, you clearly have never had teenagers. You don't force a teenager to do anything they don't want to do. If they eat a meatless diet it's most definitely because they actually want to. They spend the majority of their lives out of my sight already, and trying to force them to do anything would be like trying to corral the ocean.

C: Human=omnivore lol

Listen shmuck, just because we humans CAN do something, doesn't mean it's actually good for us to do it. Humans can and have surived by eating each other, but I won't exactly be chowing down on my neighbours anytime soon. All I can say is this: If you wan't to keep noshing on meat and animal products, go ahead and knock yourself out! You sound like someone who will snarf back double bacon cheeseburgers every day just to show everybody else that it's your life and you'll do whatever you want, dammit! Damn vegetarians won't take away YOUR right to clog your arteries anyhow you see fit, will they now?! Good on ya, buddy. Let me know which hospital will be hosting your quadruple bypass and I'll send ya a card.

Glad to be back, everybody. Tomorrow: An unexpected and mysterious package greets my arrival home...

Family Backpacking Trip-Cape Chignecto Provincial Park

2009-07-06T15:55:00.017-04:00

Well, it's been five days since we got back from our four-day, 52 km backpacking adventure around the perimeter of Cape Chignecto. All in all, it actually went so smoothly that there really isn't anything to riff on. The weather co-operated, we didn't run into any wild beasties, no one fell and hurt themselves, and the only "injury" was a fetus-sized blister on my foot. It was grueling, of course, but we all got 'er done and my old ticker held in there. The kids were like two gazelles, scampering ahead on the trail like it was nothing and making me feel old.

So, due to the relative "boringness" of the whole thing, I guess I'll just throw a few pictures your way.

***************************************************

First, a view of the hike from the Visitor's Centre where we started walking.

The first half hour was along the beach......

Taking a break about an hour into the hike.....

Coming into Refugee Cove, the site of our first campsite.

Heading away from the beach en route to our campsite...

Dan schlepped Jiffy Pop on the back of his pack!

Hitting the trail the morning of Day Two....

Some random scenery on Day Two....

Lunch on Day Two....

I call this one "Asshole on a Rock."

Me and the kids crossing a stream.

Daniel explores at lunch on Day Three...

The famous "Three Sisters" rock formation!

My daughter led the way for most of the hike.

Dan and Hubby eat breakfast the morning of Day Four.

..And one last shot of Bob and the kids about an hour before the end of the hike. Almost back to civilization.

It was awesome folks, and that's all I'm going to say about that.

Next: THE LONG GOOD-BYE!

Why You Should Never Let the Children Open the Junk Mail....

2009-07-03T17:05:00.010-04:00

Yeah, I know I said I'd tell you about the trip. Before I get there, though, a funny domestic moment from yesterday...

First, let's set the scene. I'm upstairs in the powder room applying my spackle before heading to town. I was waiting for the mail to be delivered before I headed out, just in case a fat check arrived. (It didn't.)

My daughter calls up the stairs that the mailman had just arrived. Should she go get the mail out of the box? Well of course she should!

As I continued to powder and smear and spackle, the following loud inter-floor conversation ensues:

*************************

Me: "So, did I get my big check in the mail or what?"

Courtney: "You got a letter from Capital One. It says you must be paying too much in interest on your credit card. Oh, and you got a letter from Cloud Ten Travel."

Me: "Cloud Ten Travel? I've never heard of that. More junk mail. Must be a free trip to Ireland or something. Must be a very short trip if it fits in an envelope, ha ha."

Courtney: "You want me to open it and see what it is?"

Me: "Yeah sure. Knock yourself out."

(I continue to try and make my face presentable to the faint sounds of paper tearing. Then, I hear my daughter burst out in peals of hysterical laughter from the kitchen.)

Me: "What's so funny?"

Courtney: "Mom, you need to come and see this! OMG!"

So, just what arrived in the innocuous looking envelope from Cloud Ten Travel?

Sexual Lubrication, that's what!

Apparently I'm booked in Seat 1A on the Pleasure Plane to Cloud Ten. Where the hell is that, anyway. and what's the exchange rate like? Do they feed vegans there? So many questions. Thank God my children are accustomed to the strange and unusual happenings around here...lube in the mail didn't faze them in the least!

Unfortunately, there's no way to casually lure my husband upstairs now to give Cloud Ten the old college try, now that the children are wise to the deal. This one may have to wait until teenage memories start to fade. Be assured, however, that I'll be back with a review when I reach that cloud!

Peace....

A Mess 'o Vegan Goodies from Gobble Green!

2009-07-02T10:12:00.015-04:00

A short time ago, I was given the opportunity to test drive the new vegan food delivery service called "Gobble Green". They're a new company, just starting up, and I was of course intensely curious as to just how tasty the chow was. Due to where I live (a tiny Canadian backwater I like to call Hooterville) pretty much the only vegan food I ever get is the stuff I make myself. How would someone else's food compare? I wanted to know. (Plus I'm simply in love with getting mail, period.) So when I had the opportunity to get a full two days worth of goodies for a reduced rate, I decided to give it a go.

When the box arrived, the children magically appeared from wherever the hell they were hiding, and what ensued was an orgy of frantic cooking and noshing the likes of which I hadn't seen in quite a while. We decided to basically have one big food party, since we were leaving the next day on our backpacking trip. It arrived just in the nick of time. So, what did we think of the food from Gobble Green? Read on, Dear Readers..

I have to first tell you that this refrigerated box had to travel all the way from Portland to my front door, and only God knows how many times that box was slam-dunked by over zealous delivery boys in the process, so if my cupcake didn't exactly travel well inside it's pretty pink container, I think it's understandable. :0)

The appearance certainly didn't stop my daughter from tying into that first, despite the fact that meals are generally supposed to END with the cupcake, not begin with it. I had to elbow her in the throat just to get in there and get a bite. Our Verdict: Very tasty cupcake, but we weren't fond of the frosting. I'd say there's tofu in there somewhere, something we never use in desserts. I know lots of folks put soft tofu in things like frosting, and if you do and like it, you'll like this.

Next Up: Sausage and Pepper Pizza!!

This may just be the biggest winner of the bunch. It had green peppers on it, (and y'all know that me and green peppers are not friends) so Hubby Bob was the big winner in this category. The pizza cooked up perfectly, and the piece of crust I stole was delicious.

Bob REALLY liked this pizza, and said he would definitely buy it again. The seitan sausage was very zesty and had great texture, and again, the crust cooked up amazingly well.

Next: Aloo Mattar!

For those of you poor unfortunates living under a rock somewhere, Aloo Mattar is an Indian dish consisting of peas, potatoes, and curry. Very nummy. It arrived in a reusable glass jar. I have to say, this is one thing I really liked about Gobble Green. All of the containers that they send can be reused and are environmentally friendly.

And to top it off, it was very tasty! The kids were not so fond, but then again, they have very little experience with Indian food so they can't really judge.

Our Verdict: A big thumbs up from the parents, and two kids running in the other direction.

Next Up: Whole wheat pancakes and French Toast Sticks!

These both came vacuum packed with real maple syrup on the side in little reusable containers. (This is actually a dish of marinara sauce, but same idea.)

These were absolutely delicious! My daughter ate the french toast so fast a picture was impossible, and we ate the pancakes together, shoveling them in faster and faster just to see who got the last bite. They were fluffy and soft, and had an intriguing flavour to them that was really good but I couldn't place.

The Verdict! Four enthusiastic thumbs up for both.

Next: Southwestern Salad!

This is the only thing I can say we really did not like, but I suspect that's only because we never eat anything even vaguely resembling this dish. I know we're odd in that respect, and I think most people would love this salad. I can say that it looked to be put together with a lot of care and attention and consisted of high-quality ingredients.

And finally, Snickerdoodle Cookies and Trail Mix!

These two snacks found their way out onto the trail with us due to running out of time to eat them. Bob and Courtney shared the trail mix, and they spent a very contented breaktime debating about what the contents were. In particular, there was some dried fruit in there that they'd never had before but both liked. In the end, they decided it had to be figs.

Me, I staked my claim on the Snickerdoodles...

Even though I was not able to microwave them for 30 seconds as per the instructions, it did not matter, because these were some of the best cookies I've had in a long time. And you know, as someone who is somewhat famous in the neighbourhood for her cookies, that pains me a little to say that.

So, what is my ultimate verdict of Gobble Green?

-On the plus side, the food is clearly made with love. This is not industrial food you're getting here; this is more like something the vegan Grandma next door would bring over when you're convalescing. It looks, tastes, and smells homemade.

Also, the containers are inventive and re-usable, which I love.

They have a good variety of foods that will appeal to a lot of different palates, and I have a feeling that will improve steadily over time. As well, their customer service is attentive and committed, and I know that if you ever had a question or an issue, they will bend over backwards to make it right.

The Downside: There's only one: The Cost.

It kinda reminds me of when I got to a craft show, and I browse through all the wonderful handmade crafts that I'd love to have, until I look at the price and my eyes bug out. Having done my share of crafts, I know that if you actually charged a price that reflects the time and effort put into an item, only millionaires could afford it.

What I'm trying to say is that although the price is steep, I do believe it's worth it due to the quality of the product. However, I myself would not be able to afford it and I suspect that's going to be an issue for the company going forward. I estimate that I spend about $800 a month Cdn to feed a family of four. In a 30 day month, that works out to be $13.33 to feed one person two days. (And that's eating very well, thank you.)

If I were to eat Gobble Green for two days, it would cost me (here in Canada, mind you) about $130, shipping included. If I ordered the full one-week starter kit, got the free shipping, (which I'm not sure they offer to Canada) the cost would be $25 per person per day. That's still a lot of money to feed one person, no matter how high-quality the food.

(Not only that, Canadians be warned: I paid $22 in Customs duty on an order worth $65, making the total even higher.)

Now, I know that there are folks out there with the means and the motivation to pay that much, and for the sake of the company, I hope that they do. I want Gobble Green to succeed and grow, because the world needs more vegan companies (and more vegan food!) in it.

Next Up: Our Backpacking trip! (Spoiler: We all survived...!)

For Better or for Worse....Away We Go Again!

2009-06-26T20:52:00.014-04:00

Hi, and a Happy Horny Friday night to all my Bloggie friends and acquaintances! (And I really do think of some of you that way...I even have some of y'all on my Facebook and shiz... A special shout out to Julee and Carrie, who are my Facebook buds due to this blog..:0)

I address you now as a kind of half blog update/half Last Will and Testament. Tomorrow afternoon, me and The Fam head out to start a four day backpacking trip at Cape Chignecto, (or as I affectionately call it, the Widow Maker.) It's the most difficult hike in Atlantic Canada, and one Bob and I braved back in the summer of 2006. We was POOR back then (OK, we're poor now, but whatever) and we braved this most grueling of hikes sporting $25 Wal-Mart backpacks and a $20 Wal-Mart pup tent. By Day 3, Bob's pack was strapped to him with duct tape as it had basically fallen apart. Day three was also memorable as we had an up close and personal encounter with the elusive Mainland Moose (which is so scarce that it's almost like encountering a Yeti...)

Unfortunately, the awe of the encounter dimmed quickly when we realized A: This was a massive beast that could easily turn us into hamburger and B: We were two days into a four day hike and COULD NOT get around the damn thing! (The picture might not make it crystal clear, but there was a river on one side and a cliff on the other.)

Here's the picture after Bob hit it in the arse with a rock, it turned around and we both freaked out....

Fortunately, we were about as important to Mr. Moose as a fly on his ass, and he ignored us and meandered up the path far enough to inch up the hill and around His Highness....

We hustled up the hill out of there as fast as our little legs would carry us, and proceeded to change our underpants a mile or so along the way.

Additionally, I threw up every damn day, suffered a near nervous breakdown due to torrential rain (not unrelated to a serious chafing problem) and got somewhat drunk on whiskey in a tent.

So, WOO HOO! Let's do it again, and this time, let's take the children! I hear that bears have moved into the area, to add to the rustic charm!

But seriously, folks. This is the kind of trip that defines a person, and lets you know what you're really capable of. I know that we'll all find it difficult, but at the end of the day, we'll stagger out of the woods a few pounds lighter and a hell of a lot more confident in our abilities. I can't imagine going through life without ever finding out just exactly what you're capable of. I know it was very good for me, and I know that the kids will find it an amazing accomplishment.

So take care for about six days or so, and I'll be back with an update! Peace until then, peeps! And when I get back, I have a review of an online vegan food delivery service called Gobble Green. Stay Tuned!

Vega...You're Like a Smart, Funny Date with a Bad Case of Acne...

2009-06-25T16:09:00.005-04:00

Remember a few weeks ago, when I teased you all about the dee-lightful package I got from Sequel Naturals? The one containing a smattering of assorted Vega products? I figured you did. You guys have the memory of friggin' elephants.

Well, I confess that I've sat down at Ye Olde Computer at least a half-dozen times to write about what I thought of them, but I couldn't do it. I have a personally-imposed policy of total honesty when it comes to samples sent to me, and it pains me sometimes to stick to that policy. Especially with a company that I just love in so many ways it's almost carnal.

I have to tell you, this is the toughest review I've ever written, so forgive me if I don't make any poo jokes or make sexual references in the process. As a newly-minted nutritionist, Vega products really ring my bell in many ways: Their nutritional profile is beyond amazing, and the convenience can't be beat. You can get almost all your RDA's of vitamins, minerals, and fibre in about 100 calories of powder or in bar form. If you happened to be an anorexic, I would be inclined to wrestle you to the floor and pour this down your throat.

But we were astoundingly underwhelmed by the taste. In fact, when I whipped up a batch of their chocolate meal replacement powder, I couldn't tolerate more than one sip, and two of my four family members absolutely refused to even try it just based on the smell alone. (And that's saying something considering how many taste-testing sessions they endure on my behalf.) The Vanilla Chai was just as bad. By the time we got to the Natural flavour, we took the advice of the rep and mixed it into a smoothie. Even so, it took one shitload of fruit to mask the taste of that powder to the point that we considered it drinkable.

The bars were a different story. We all liked the bars, (especially the natural flavour one.) Sure, I would not be inclined to snack on one with a cold beer on a Saturday night, but when you consider it's a meal replacement and really meant to enhance athletic performance, they were pretty decent. My daughter actually loved them and I had to battle with her to be sure to get a piece of each to sample.

So, my final reckoning? As a nutritionist I would still recommend them, because the nutrition they provide can't be beat, especially if you were seriously deficient in nutrients, underweight, a competitive athlete, etc. But I will advise that you buy just a few samples to start with and see what they do for you. I mean, I hate Brussels sprouts and my husband loves them; it may be that I just have unco-operative taste buds.

In the meantime, best of luck to the company. They're out there advancing the cause of veganism and showing regular folks that a well-planned vegan diet provides superior athletic performance, and I'm all for that. It doesn't hurt than Brendan Brazier is damn hot, too...

Peace...

A Cherished Gift, and Sexual Stimulants at the Gas Station!

2009-06-25T07:28:00.005-04:00

Unless you've been in a coma this last little while, you will have perhaps noticed that Father's Day has just passed us by. And because every little minutiae of my life is so endlessly fascinating, I just know you're breathlessly waiting for me to fill you in on what I got Bob for Father's day.

Well, wait no longer.

Let me first say that Bob is a hard guy to shop for, because he generally will help himself to anything that he really desires, damn the fact that you've already bought and wrapped it for him. By "help himself" I mean that he will go and buy the very thing he asked for the day before Christmas if it happens to be a good sale or he just feels like it. He gets this trait honestly from HIS father. It annoys the fuck out of me, because I have to rack my brain to find a gift that I know he'll really love but not get in the mood to buy himself.

And so, on this most momentous of Father's Days. I bought that man....

A SNUGGIE!!!!!

See the expression of pure delight on his face??? That man was beside himself with joy over is new blanket with arms. So joyful, in fact, that he had to try on that Snuggie IMMEDIATELY, even though we were at his Mother's house.

(He was less thrilled over the free mini book light.)

When we got home that night, Bob wasted no time in finding some sports on the TV and snuggling in for a good long snoozefest in his cozy fleece Snuggie. In fact, the Snuggie has become so popular that we have a new saying around these parts: "What happens in the Snuggie, STAYS in the Snuggie." That thing truly is so voluminous that he could be getting serviced by a pack of elves under there and the children, just three feet away, would never be the wiser.

Which leads me, rather conveniently, to my next big discovery. Half way to Granny's house we stop at a gas station to take a leak and buy unhealthy snack foods, and what do I spot right between the cash register and the Beef Jerky?

SEXUAL STIMULANTS.

According to the package, these little capsules of romance are supposed to "help promote sexual desire in women" with a bonus function of helping me eliminate my toxins. God knows I'm feeling toxic lately, what with that box of wine and all. So naturally I needed to buy these suckers immediately. I felt the need to make jokes with the cashier and stammered a little, but my children, knowing me so very well, didn't bat an eye.

Now, when I saw these for sale in a GAS STATION, of all places, it made me think of gas stations that sell alcohol as well, something that I never thought made any sense. Do you really want some boozer filling their tank and getting a six-pack for the road? And even if the driver doesn't guzzle the booze as they zoom down the highway, isn't this still an odd choice of venue for selling liquor? I feel the same way about sexy pills. I have visions of people swerving down I-90 as the attempt to rip the clothes off their passenger in a frenzy of lust brought on by irresponsible sex-pill sales.

At any rate, I intended for Bob and I to take these pills just as soon as we got home and see where it headed, but alas, he promptly fell asleep in his Snuggie. Alas, the same thing happened the next few nights, and I was afraid that I would perhaps drop dead before having a chance to get all worked up medicinally.

So I took mine this morning. Sure, it's a weekday and my husband is at work, but I have a delivery driver coming to deliver a package today. Maybe he'll be cute, if I'm horned up enough. (The last one had very sexy knees.) Worst case scenario, I call Bob and work and demand he come home, NOW. I'll make some excuse about needing him to check a mole on my rear end and we'll run upstairs to do the deed.

Alas, as I sit here at my computer I am sad to report that I seem to have wasted $2.99 on two dud sex pills. I feel no stirring of urges whatsoever, no burning need to call Bob or attack the old guy walking by my house. If anything, I feel a little nauseous, but that just might be the smell of the catfood wafting in my direction. Oh well, perhaps my toxins are detoxing even as I write this, and that's a good thing, right?

I think I'll go put on the Snuggie and take a nap....

How NOT to Have to Deal with Squash... And Gamey Squirrel Snacks!

2009-06-22T18:51:00.010-04:00

I have a tolerate-hate relationship with squash. As someone who appreciates the occasional nutritious meal, I love the fact that squash are disgustingly good for you. They're so full of beta-carotene and other great shit like vitamins A and E, it's almost chilling to ponder it. But man, are they a bitch to deal with.

Many's a time I've stood in the supermarket holding a hefty acorn squash, clutching it to my sweaty bosoms while fondling it lovingly and thinking that I perhaps should buy it. Then I have a vision of me accidentally separating some of my smaller and more treasured appendages from my body while trying to wrestle that bugger into submission. I mean, cutting up those fuckers is like trying to mince a damn bowling ball! So time after time I find myself gently rolling that squash back in the bin with his brethren and moving on down the aisle. Even my most dangerous of cleavers whines in protest when I attempt to get at the heart of one of those bad boys.

But like I said, squash is good for you. As a child, I only ate it in pie form, floating on a sea of whipped cream. Now I try to sneak it in wherever I can. I can't say as I love the flavour that much...it's OK, just not something I'd roll over in bed for. If I could come up with a recipe for squash that uses, let's say, a few bottles of beer, I bet I'd find that much more appealing. Until then, for squash-o-phobes like me, this very healthy, somewhat redneck recipe fits the bill. It uses a bottle of babyfood squash (slides out of the bottle like warm KY) and a lowly can of concentrated tomato soup. And I think just about everyone would like it.

Kitchen Cupboard Tomato, Squash and Spinach Soup

Get a medium pot, and add:

1 tsp olive oil
½ medium onion, diced
~Sauté until the onion starts to brown~

Then Add:
1 large potato, diced
1 286 ml (10 oz) can non-dairy condensed tomato soup (I used Heinz) and 3 cans of water
1 213 ml bottle of baby food Acorn squash
1 tsp Italian Seasoning
¼ tsp powdered rosemary
1 tsp salt
½ tsp black pepper

Bring to a boil and simmer for 20-25 minutes, until potato is soft.
Use an immersion blender and blend until smooth. Then stir in:

¾ cup chopped, packed spinach

Allow the spinach to wilt into the hot soup. You can also use the immersion blender again to process the spinach into even smaller pieces.
Serves four.

Bonus Musing: Look what I spotted in a specialty grocery just yesterday:

I must say, that was an eye opener. After ascertaining that no squirrels were injured in the manufacture of this bizarre snack, I couldn't stop myself from buying them. (I'm incorrigible, I know.) Having never actually eaten a squirrel, I could really only take a guess as to whether or not they actually tasted like my favourite furry pest. And I'm guessing that it does. I say this because I found the smell of them unusually offensive and the taste distinctively gamey. (Kinda reminds me of a teenage boy I know who has an unpleasant musky reek, especially in hot weather. Similar visceral reaction.)

If you're hankerin' for squirrel and think this might get you over the hump, I beg you to reconsider....

The Compassionate Breast

2009-06-17T06:44:00.008-04:00

If there's a time of year when I am most likely to wax nostalgic about my meat-eating days, it would be barbecue season. There's just something about sitting on the deck with a cold beer in hand, watching some hairy neanderthal display his manly prowess at the grill while alternately grunting and scratching his balls. Something about it just says summer to me.

So despite the fact that the price of gluten flour still rivals the cost of my first car, I've been drawn lately to whip up some seitan creations that can be served up with grill marks and a hearty dose of spicy. Recently, I threw together a fairly chicken-esque creation that I shaped into something akin to a breast, and ended up slow-cooking for two hours in my Grandmother's famous sauce. (A recipe that will go to the grave with me, unless someone is willing to pony up a few thousand bucks. Yes, it's that good.)

***

Now, I had an email recently from a (seemingly) puzzled woman who demanded to know why, as a non-meat eater, I would go to the trouble of making/eating/creating anything that tastes like or resembles meat. She found it bizarre, to say the least, and the tone of the email frankly put my nose out of joint a little bit. (It was a little pert, lady.) The answer to that question is: I dunno. I just do. I tried to barbecue some beans once but they kept falling through the grill. And I used to make my seitan in the shape of a Masengill douchebag, but my husband found that disturbing. I have to shape it like something, so why not like a breast? I mean really, the end result really looks nothing like a breast, unless of course it's a breast from one of those African tribeswomen who go their whole life without wearing a bra.

***

I ate meat for 36 years. I guess some habits never really leave a person. The emailer should have been happy I was eating fake meat and not down the street clubbing stray cats instead. Jeesh.

***

(As an aside, is anyone out there old enough to remember the Massengill douche? I only used a few of them back in the day, but I do remember that I loved the feeling of being salad-bar fresh. Too bad they aren't so good for the box....)

***

Anyway, without further ado, for those of you yearning for something cruelty-free to scorch up, give this a shot. The final picture was an epic fail because we were three-quarters of the way through a box of wine at that point, but I'm cookin' up some more today and I'll post a much better picture tomorrow. Unless of course, I pick up another box of wine on the way home...:0)

***

Chicken Breasts, Hold the Cluck!

In a blender, add:

6 oz silken firm tofu
¾ cup cold water
2 Tbsp Nayonnaise
2 tsp olive oil
3 Tbsp nutritional yeast
2 ½ Tbsp vegan chicken bouillon
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
½ tsp poultry seasoning
1 tsp salt

~Blend well~

In a large bowl, add:
½ cup soy flour
1 ¼ cup gluten flour
1 tsp Mrs Dash Extra-Spicy (or ½ tsp black pepper)

Pour the blended mixture into the dry ingredients. Mix well, and then knead briefly into a ball. Cover and let sit for one hour.

Then, dust countertop with a bit more gluten flour. Knead for a minute until the dough is smooth. Divide dough into chicken-breast sized pieces. Shape however you like.

Coat some non-stick foil with PAM and heat oven to 250 degrees. Wrap your “breasts” in foil and bake one and a half to two hours. (The lesser time will make the breasts more tender, say for putting on the BBQ, the longer time is better if the breasts will be soaking or marinating for a while in a sauce.)

Cool on a wire rack. I prefer to take these out the day I'm grilling them and let them marinate in something wet and tasty for a considerable amount of time. The baking creates a seal that prevents them from soaking up too much liquid and getting spongy, but a little moisture goes a long way.

Also, don't overcook on the grill, or your breasts will get tough and chewy. I could make another crack here about people who never wear a bra, but I think I'll quit while I'm ahead. I'e had enough hate mail this week already...:0)

I Sure Do Love to Say "Keen-Wah!" and Scrub my ass with a stick...

2009-06-12T11:27:00.006-04:00

I love cooking with quinoa. I love the fact that it looks like a whole big bunch of tiny condoms when it's cooked. Very sexy. I love the fact that it's a complete protein and is gonna make my ass cheek muscles strong and healthy, which I will sure need on my upcoming hike and also for marathon sessions in the sack. And I sure do like to puzzle the fuck out of average folks who look at me when I mention it like I just jetted in from the planet Zoltar.

_____________________________________

So, without further ado I give you a muffin that's not too terribly taxing for the pantry challenged, is trans-fat free and lower in sugar than most recipes, has lots of fibre and other good shit, and most of all, allows you to cook with keen-wah and feel fucking superior to lesser mortals. (As I myself felt yesteday.) Bon Appetit!

Quinoa Oat Blueberry Muffins

Makes one dozen

First, cook one cup of quinoa. 1/3 cup of raw quinoa makes just over one cup cooked. First, rinse in cold water to remove the bitter coating on the seeds. Mix with one cup hot water and a pinch of salt. Simmer, covered, for about fifteen minutes until water was absorbed. Turn off burner and allow to sit until quinoa is cool. Measure out exactly one cup quinoa for this recipe.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a small bowl mix:
1 cup soymilk (full-fat works best)
1 tsp lemon juice or white vinegar
Allow to sit until the milk is soured, about 10 minutes.

In a large bowl, mix:
1/3 cup oil
2/3 cup white sugar
Beat. Then stir in:
1 cup cooked quinoa
The 1 cup soured soymilk
1 tsp vanilla
½ tsp salt
1 cup oats
1/3 tsp cinnamon
1 cup whole wheat flour
½ cup white flour

Then fold in:
1 cup blueberries

Scoop batter into paper liners. Bake for 22 minutes at 350 degrees. Allow to cool on a wire rack.

______________________________________

WELL HELLO! Now that you have a hot little muffin in one hand a glass of scotch in the other, settle in for just a minute and ponder the fact that you've been wiping your ass with your hand all these years and it SOOO wasn't necessary. Santa, I want one of these for Christmas.

Who Says a Vegan BBQ Can't be a Wonderful Thing?

2009-06-10T06:48:00.002-04:00

Seitan steaks, marinated all afternoon in Bob's Top Secret marinade (I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you) roasted rosemary potatoes and porteenie mushrooms. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Take that, all you haters that think all we eat is cold slabs of tofu...:0)

All the News that's Fit to Print!

2009-06-08T09:29:00.009-04:00

Well, here it is Monday again, and as usual, life is so busy and so damn interesting I don't even know where to begin. (Life just is so much better now that I left that horrible job I had.) So I'll begin with me.

I had my picture taken for my new website. It's not quite what I had in mind when I went in to the photographer, but I rather like it. What do ya think?

In other news, I worked like a dog all day yesterday cleaning and rearranging my home until I was able to carve out space for my "workplace". This is where I'll sit to work at getting my business up and running. Makes me feel all official and shit.

I just noticed that I had Facebook up on my laptop. (How official, haha.) Anyway, I should have my official registration papers in hand soon for my new nutrition consulting business, and I can't wait to share all the details with you.

In other news, the spouse and I officially decided on the weekend that all four of us are going to hike the coastal trail of Cape Chignecto in three weeks time. We did it once before, just Bob and I. It was a grueling series of steep hills and punishing slopes, and I barfed daily. Can't wait to do it again. It's the kind of experience that puts hair on your chest.

So I've been busy shopping my ass off to prepare. Some new sleeping bags, one new expedition pack, a new set of pots and pans, propane, waterproof stuff sacks, and Lipton Sidekicks by the bushel. (They make tremendous backpacking food.) The kids seem pretty excited about it, so I hope they can remain positive when they're scrabbling up those rocky slopes.

I also am leaving on July 7th for army cadet camp, so that adds a whole new layer on the shopping and packing. I have piles started all over the house, each for a different purpose.

I now have TWO positive reviews on Amazon.com, and I'm so tickled! Thanks SO MUCH to the two fine people who left them. I'm putting you in my will. :0)

I should be able to post my website by the end of the week, and Ican't wait to get feedback from all of you. Stay tuned!

Peace.

Back in the Kitchen, and Baking Porridge Bread!

2009-06-05T11:13:00.011-04:00

Well, HELLLLLLOOOOOO THERE!

Kids these days seem to have very healthy egos, as they are forever taking off-center and blurry pictures of themselves and posting them all over the damn Internet. I thought I'd get all hip 'n shit and do the same. What the hell.

Anyway, I thought I'd fill you in on what I got in the Big Brown Box delivered by the courier with the gorgeous kneecaps...it was a box of samples from my buds at Sequel Naturals, the makers of Vega meal replacement bars and powders.

Are they any good, you're asking? Hell, I don't know. I haven't gotten around to it yet, but I plan on tieing into them later on today. I'll let you know. I certainly appreciate all the thought that has gone into the nutritional profile of these babies, and if they taste pretty decent (and not like a pile of dogshit baking in the sun) I plan on joining their affiliate program on my up-and-coming website. I'll fill you in soon.

In the meantime, let's talk bread. I had a craving for a slab of bread a few days ago. I wanted it to be oatmeal bread, hearty but not to heavy, and not sickly sweet like a lot of oatmeal bread is, due to the excessive amount of molasses in it.

So I started playing around. And in the end, I was chowing down on a super nummy nummy hunk of bread that has 117 calories, 2 grams of fibre and 75 mg of calcium per slice, which is a bonus for the bones. I used blackstrap molasses, which is much less sweet than the normal variety and has the added bonus of having about 60 mg of calcium per teaspoon.

This recipe makes two loaves of 16 slices each, and is most excellent with some natural peanut butter on top. The first loaf disappeared with eerie speed. (I think we must have a homeless person hiding in the basement who comes up at night and eats all the good stuff....)

High Calcium Porridge Bread

First, get a large bowl.

Add 1 cup very warm water, 1 tsp granulated sugar or maple syrup, and 2 1/2 tsp dry yeast. Allow to sit until foamy, about 5 minutes.

Then Add:

1 1/2 cups calcium-fortified plan rice milk

1 1/2 cups rolled oats

Allow to sit for five minutes.

Then Add:

1/2 cup blackstrap molasses

1 Tbsp healthy oil (like olive)

2 Tbsp almond butter

1 tsp salt

2 cups whole wheat flour

3 1/4 cups white flour

Knead into a smooth ball, about five minutes. Place in a greased bowl in a warm place to rise until double, about 1 and 1/2 hours.

Briefly knead again and divide into two. Knead into smooth loaves and place in greased bread pans. Cover with a towel and allow to rise for about 30-45 more minutes until double. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

If desired, you can brush the tops of the dough before placing in the oven with more rice milk and scatter oats on top. Bake at 375 for 30 minutes, and allow to cool on a wire rack.

What's Next: I got my portrait done yesterday for my business, and I'm heading into town to pick up the pictures. You can be sure I'll give you a peek at how they turned out....:0)

Peace!

Holy Shit, Batman!

2009-06-02T12:00:00.004-04:00

OK, apparently Lulu liked my cookbook enough to have it added to their Amazon.com Marketplace. I feel so fucking honoured, words fail me! No thumbnail yet, but it's supposed to upload soon. In the meantime, if anyone who actually bought the book would take a minute to leave a comment (hopefully not horrible) I'd be so grateful I'd come over to your house and kiss your big 'ol butt. Just email me the address..:0)

In other news, the delicious and tranquil Nova Scotian government has seen fit to approve the name I proposed for my small business. And it only cost me $124 so far! I'd love to share it with all you amazing peoples, but I think that doing that before the paperwork is in and over would jinx it. Stay tuned....

A Mess o' Miscellany

2009-06-01T18:55:00.012-04:00

Well, I just spent the last three days working with the Army Cadets on a mountain biking-slash-canoeing expedition. I was a highly-functioning, highly fragrant "Supply Officer", which translates into "sit in the safety truck mainling Doritos and Diet Coke while driving five miles an hour behind a herd of tired and filthy teenagers, most of whom would donate their left nut to be able to crawl into the back of the truck and die." Nuff said.

Ok, my job really was gruelling in it's own way. I may not have biked forty miles through the mud, but I did have to schlep what seems like a half-ton of bikes, backpacks, tents, and other assorted outdoor parephenalia in and out of the truck and around in circles throughout our campsite. I felt a bit like like Super Mario for some reason, only older and with a hell of a lot more cellulite.

My daughter happened to be one of the filthy cyclers, and here is a shot of her at lunch break letting me know that she was down with the torture. She led the pack most of the trip. Doesn't she look cute while dirty? Take that up the rosy red rectum, all you buttholes who don't think veg*ns have any energy!

I managed to drag the two of us out of the woods last night and immediately collapsed on the sofa with a beer, and then promptly fell asleep at the ridiculous hour of 8:15 PM, a new record even for a morning person like me. I have a feeling that by the time I'm 60 I'll be scheduling my bedtime ten minutes after supper, (and based on my experience with the elderly, that will fall right around three PM.)

So, on this glorious Monday morning, I awoke at 5:30 AM feeling rested, perky, and heck, I'll say it, a little horny too. Hubby won't be home for another day and I was wishing I could have thrown him on the floor and had my way with him. (I hope when he gets home he's up for the task...I may just damage something vital trying to get to his bits and pieces...)

So, I'm just out of the shower this morning and feeling all clean and dewy when this big honkin' truck backs into my yard. At first I thought he was just trying to turn around in the driveway, but then a smokin' hot delivery guy in short pants (that highlighted his hairy knees gorgeously) knocks on my door and delivers a mysterious package....A package I wasn't expecting.

And then, the brain fog cleared and I remembered what it was. I think I'll wait a few days to fill you in on the details. Needless to say, I was very excited and this has something to do with my new nutrition business. Tune in soon for all the gory details...

Peace!

Why SEOBlog Reviews are the Biggest Idiots on the Planet

2009-05-28T07:00:00.015-04:00

In this life, I think that almost everyone falls into one of two categories: The User and The Used. It's a neat little system that enables the world to function smoothly. The only hitch is when someone forgets which side of the fence they are on.

Such is the case with a bunch of sad sack losers located SEO Blog Reviews. I have just had my third encounter with these slobbering morons, and I'm afraid that our brief but satisfying relationship is about to screech to a halt, all because they seem to think that they are the Users in this situation. Sorry fellas....you are the used.

The first episode of mirth arose when they wanted me to do a review of their client's "Eye Floater" cure. Whoever is trying to push this eye floater bullshit is a total scam artist preying on sick people, and therefore, any company that agrees to try and trick legitimate bloggers into shilling for them are therefore just as culpable in my eyes. You're all assholes equally. Sure, I had my fun with the two of you. I just about laughed my hole inside out reviewing your fake "cure." Face it, SEO Blogreviews and Eye Floater dickhead, you got used.

But that didn't seem to stop SEO Blogreviews from trying to use me again to prostitute myself for yet another client, a London based travel website called Qype. Actually, I kinda liked this website, but as a country hick with a joe job, there ain't a lot of London travel going to be happening for me anytime soon. Not only that, but I feel strongly that the people who read my blog have more than two withered brain cells to rub together, so an earnest (and oddly worded) post about how fucking amazing I find this website to be would leave my readers scratching their heads and wondering if I signed up for medical experiments and forgot to mention it.

So, I used them again, had a laugh reviewing their site, made eight bucks and bought a T-shirt with the proceeds. Fortunately, I got the cash in advance because post-review, the SEO people were ridiculously underwhlemed with the quality of my writing and the fact that I called them out on their sneaky-ass bullshit.

You see, they want to pay to have supposedly legitimate bloggers like me "sneak" positive reviews into their daily musings, something that frankly fools nobody. Not only that, the end results turn out making the blogger look like a schizophrenic headcase that just happens to out of the blue have a love affair for a store/service/website not even located in their hemisphere.

Don't believe me? Check out this ridiculous offering written by a self-described "mentally retarded lover boy" on behalf of the next company they want to pay me ten bucks to whore for- a UK based netbook accessories store. I'm sure they are lovely, but what's that got to do with a dude in the Phillipines? And why would a homeschooling nerdy Christian mom from Fresno suddenly be all aflutter over their drool-worthy laptop acessories? That's a long commute just to do some shopping. The effect is chillingly odd. I doubt that this strategy is really driving any business towards their client, either. In fact, I bet they got more click-thrus for Qype and the Eye Floater cornholers from MY review than they ever get from somewhere else.

So, after being tremendously displeased with my last review, you could have knocked me over with a feather to get yet another offer in my inbox today. (Someone in your organization on crack, or what?) What the hell, I say. Ten bucks will buy me a new bra and I'll have something to do today. I offer to "let them" pimp me out again, and I was surprised and mirthful to get this email back from them:

Hello Tracy Williams,We received your payment offer for the site review.But before we send you the payment and instructions for the review, we want to make sure that you no matter what the reason would not mention in your review that you have been paid for the review and the amount you have been paid.The last review you did for the site was rejected by the client since it mentions that it's a paid review, and the price that they received for it.So only when you confirm from your end that you will NEVER EVER mention in your reviews that the reviews are paid reviews or you got paid for them, we will go ahead with the reviews with your blog.Contact us only if you agree to the above terms.Wishes,

Sorry, SEO Buttfucks. You forgot yourself and now think you are using me. Sorry to burst your bubble, but this little tiny corner of the web is mine, and I will be nobody's SEO whore. Find some other schmuck to cocksuck your client on THEIR blogs, because it ain't happening here.

PS: Have a nice day! And your punctuation and grammar sure could use some work...

I'm Just Too Damn Busy for You People!

2009-05-26T08:46:00.012-04:00

Yeah, I know I haven't blogged in a while. I've been busy, man, so get off my back already!

Seriously though, this last two weeks has been among the most hectic (but also the most interesting) I've had in a while. I want to tell you all about it, so let's start with this:

I passed my exam!!!!!!

I am now officially a Registered Holistic Nutritionist, so watch out, world! I was worried after I wrote it, because the exam was actually super tough, but the school was kind enough to call me right after they marked it to let me know that I passed with a 90%.

Boo Yah! Now to move on to world domination....

But that's not the only thing going on in my world. I was employed as a Supply Officer for a three day biking/canoeing weekend with the army cadets. And all month long our cadet corps has been preparing for our Annual Ceremonial Review. Both of my kidlets were in the marching band, requiring enough practice to make a person cry, I swear.

The practice paid off, cuz all the cadets were awesome and the parade went off without a hitch. My daughter even won the award for Top Red Star! (That just means second-year cadet.)

The official parade was followed by a long-standing tradition with the corps: A crazy obstacle course relay race with the officers squirting the kids with water guns every step of the way. Here's Bob having fun dousing the little blighters.

Here's a few shots of my son making his way through the course....

...and my daughter looking fierce when her team won.

The parade had a big surprise in store for me as well...

I was presented with my very special "commissioning scroll" officially apointing me as a commissioned officer in Her Majesty's Canadian Armed Forces.

I would have liked to make a speech, but my eyes were wet and my lip was quivering, so I decided to save the speech for another day.

SOOOO.....I guess my next step is to have business cards made up that state something to the effect of:

Tracy Williams - Nutritional Consultant, Second Lietenant, Bachelor of Arts in History, Cadet Instructor, Shit Disturber, Husband Molester, Lampshade-Wearing party girl. Call for Rates.

And yeah, I have been cooking. A little. We've eaten so many veggie burgers lately I'm starting to look like one. But check out this soup I made last week:

Kinda looks like pinworms are trying to crawl out of it, doesn't it? I swear to you that it was tastier than it looked.

One Last Thing: I head off to the big city last Thursday with my Mom and my daughter. Mainly we were prom shopping, but I can't go to Halifax without stopping at Planet Organic for some goodies. An uneventful trip; I got me some chia seeds, raw cocoa, kelp powder, etc. A few days later I get this comment from Kristine, whose been one of my favourite commenters for a while now:

"Hi Tracy! Kristine here - we've chatted a bit before, being common east coasters and all. I used to have a blog, but got so busy I couldn't keep it up. Boooo!I just wanted to say that I saw you the other day, and I was way to afraid to introduce myself (well, that and Im sure your daughter and Ma (or Mother In Law, perhaps), would not have appreciated me intruding on your shopping to gush at you about how hilarious and wonderful I find your blog. I work at Planet Organic, and I asked you if you needed a hand (in Vitamins/Supplements) and when you answered, I realized it was you and almost peed in my pants. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are officially a star in my life. hah hah!I hope you had a great time in the city, and I hope your exam went well!! I bet it was a breeze for you!?All the best!"

Well Goddamn it, Kristine, why didn't you say something, girl? If I had known that you now worked there, I would have asked about you. And my mother would have gotten the biggest kick out of it. Next time I'm in (next month) I'll be sure to stop in again. And since I can't recall now, was I polite to you when you spoke to me? Not that I ever try to be rude to anybody but telemarketers, but I can get very focused when I shop.

Until next time...! :0)

Taking a Study Break.... For Ice Cream!

2009-05-13T10:07:00.010-04:00

Hiiiiiii everyone! Thanks for hanging in there with me this last few weeks. My nutrition exam is tomorrow morning, and I've been studying so hard that I have to put a finger in my ear to keep the information from spewing out. Just 24 hours from now I should be finally free!

Just a few comments on your comments lately:

Hey Shelley! Happy to see you haven't died at work and that you may be a popcorn eater after all! Hang it there, babe!

Karen:

Sure you can use whole wheat flour in the cookies. Spelt is a nice break, though, if you can find it. Next time you find yourself in a big city I urge you to try and scare some up. Mixed 50-50 with wheat flour, it makes a very wicked pizza crust too.

To Michelle, (A Fellow Canadian:) Thanks for stopping by! Actually, we just had a Tofurkey two nights ago, and it was fab. I ususally make my own seitan turkey, but I also like to buy one once in a while so the grocery store will continue to stock it. Use it or lose it!

And to Janessa and Sophia: I'm getting my diploma from the Canadian School of Natural Nutrition. I have nothing but good things to say about the staff's diligence, promptness, and patience with me duing the last year and half. I can't say as I agree with everything I've learned, but they acknowledge at the beginning that that would likely be the case with everybody. As for advice, I guess I really need to wait and see if I pass, first of all, and after that, I need to see what the course is going to end up doing for me!

And finally Sophia, as requested, here is the link to your new blog. I have a feeling that once you get going it's going to be really entertaining. I'll add it to my blogroll once I have a moment to breathe. The ol' blog really needs an update in more ways than one!

Anyway, on to today's tip. I've had some well-meaning people cluck their tongues at me in disgust when they find out that I don't buy ice cream for my kids. (Because that's tantamount to child abuse, right?) Nope, no ice cream in my freezer.

WAIT, I lie. Actually, there IS a 2L tub of chocolate ice cream in my freezer. It's been there since last August, when my husband was undergoing an extremely stressful situation at work, which resulted in the first flare up of Crohn's that he's had since we went veg*n. For a few weeks time, nothing that he ate agreed with him, and I do mean nothing. He dropped five pounds rather quickly, and I was worried about him. He always loved chocolate ice cream back in the day, and he never has taken to any non-dairy varieties out there. So in desperation, I brought this home to him.

He ate a few bowls of it, discovered that he didn't actually like it anymore, and that it didn't do diddly for his gut situation. (Which resolved itself when the stress resolved, just for the record.)

It's been sitting in my freezer ever since, and I just keep forgetting to throw it out. The kids could have eaten it if they wanted to, but they haven't. Instead, I am nagged constantly to make batch after batch of homemade "fruit cream", something that I've been feeding them for years.

It's damn simple. You just always need to have frozen berries and bananas in the freezer. Sometimes I cut the bananas up and freeze them on wax paper, sometimes I just throw the whole darn banana in the freezer and peel it later. We also pick a shitload of strawberries every July, freeze them on wax paper, and put them in large tubs. Then we can grab a handful whenever we want.

I put the fruit in my mega-blender, along with a small amount of whatever else I've got frozen: blueberries, pineapple, raspberries and mandarin orange segments are popular. Add a little soy yogourt if I've got any and maybe some fruit juice and puree. I also add ground flax for the essential fatty acids.

I can't make this stuff fast enough, and it's just pure damn health food. We eat it for breakfast quite often, (resulting in an interesting discussion with my daughter's teacher in first grade. They were discussing breakfast foods and Courtney simply stated that her Mom let her eat ice cream for breakfast. HAHA.)

Another thing I highly recommend: Investing in a cheap coffee grinder.

I picked this up three years ago for $13, and it's one of the best investments I've ever made. I use it to grind freash nuts and seeds to throw into just about everything, including ice cream. Nuts and seeds are best ground fresh, just before you use them, as the oils can turn rancid once exposed to the air. Why, just last night I used it to throw a passell of ground flax and walnuts in my spelt biscuits.

Well, there's lots more I'd like to tell ya, but studying awaits. If you think of me tomorrow morning, send some good wishes into the atmosphere for me. Take care people, and peace!

Pimped Out Cookies are Good For What Ails Ya...

2009-05-08T10:18:00.015-04:00

As I speed rapidly down the road towards Registered Nutritional Consultant-ness, I find myself taking more care than ever with the quality of the food I am putting on the table. (Not having to be away from the house for a mind-numbing nine hours a day certainly helps!)

I am more convinced all the time that white flour should be against the law, and that trans fats are the devil incarnate. (If I were elected to political office, I would have anyone arrested who brought white bread home to their children and throw their nary ass in the clink. White pasta consumption would get them a hundred hours of community service.)

When I first began this journey, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I would never, EVER cram all the information I was being presented with into this little old melon of mine. There are so fucking many vitamins and minerals out there, a mind boggling laundry list of herbs and natural remedies, and more ways that the human body can malfunction than I will ever know. How to make sense of it all in a way that will allow me to help others to get well?

I am happy to report that as it all winds down, all of the pieces have settled into place, and I am feeling comfortable with what I've learned. We're all not so different, really, and most people will thrive and get well on the same damn diet; Lots of fruits and vegetables, (a large proportion of them raw), lots of nuts and seeds, and a variety of whole grains. Lots of fresh clean water, a little sunshine every day, eight hours of shut eye, a stable homelife and lots of friends all round out the big picture. Not so hard, is it?

Sure, there are some ways in which we are all unique, and slight adjustments to this prescription will always be in order, but the general gist remains. For example, as someone who has an underactive thyroid diagnosed last year, I really should be avoiding soy products and raw cruciferous vegetables, which have a goitrogenic effect. I should also be eating seaweeds for the iodine. (NOT gonna happen, BTW.) But I am becoming more cautious about the amount of soy I consume. Soy is still fine for the rest of the family; it's only me that needs to exercise caution.

So, the health quotion of our Family Foodles is steadily improving. That isn't to say that I won't be whipping up chocolate cakes now and again, or indulging my bliss in a cold beer once in a while. It's all about balance; feed yourself a diet of excellence 80% of the time, and allow yourself to relax a little the other 20%.

I've been experimenting with ways to edge our diets a little bit in the right direction. For example, my family (and I) had a bit of a love affair with potato chips. That's not going to go away overnight. So I started with buying things like mini rice cakes and baked tortilla chips. Then we moved to low-fat microwave popcorn. Still not perfect enough, (there are chemicals in that shit that ain't good fer ya) so now we pop our popcorn in a paper bag in the microwave. Works just as well and no chemicals.

As an added bonus, you put that popcorn in the food processor, pulse it into schmutz, add it to bread and you've got popcorn bread, which has a certain je ne sais quoi about it that caused my son to eat almost an entire loaf one day after school. It replaces a good chunk of the flour in the loaf and makes it nice and light.

One of my hang-ups as a Mother is that I never feel like I'm doing a good job unless there are cookies in my cookie jar. (I think this is a disorder I caught from MY mother, who always had cookies in her jar. Thanks, Mom.)

But there's no reason that those cookies can't be tasty and deliver some much-needed nutrition at the same time. These cookies are adapted from a recipe in the book "Winning the Food Fight" by Joey Shulman. The original recipe called for a cup of Maple Syrup, and goddammit, I'm unemployed, OK? I'd have to take out a second mortgage to afford that kind of indulgence. (Our pure maple syrup is kept under lock and key and rationed out by the spoonful. Frozen waffles are not even worthy of it!)

I also found that it needed more flour and less baking time. I used a cookie scoop of about a tablespoon to scoop out the cookies. If you use a bigger amount for each cookie, allow for more baking time. The cookies should still look a tick raw when they come out of the oven; allow to set on the pan for about 3 minutes before moving them to a cooling rack.

These cookies are thin, crispy, and delicate, and so damn good that I confess to eating three yesterday and spoiling my dinner. They also provide some essential fatty acids, are wheat free, (because we all eat too much wheat) and pack lots of fibre for your pooper.

Spelt and Oat Cookies

Preheat Oven to 325 degrees.

In a large bowl, mix:

1 cup oil and I cup brown sugar

1 tsp vanilla

(Beat for two minutes. Then add:)

1/4 cup hot water

1 tsp salt

1 tsp baking soda

2 cups rolled oats

1/4 cup ground flaxseeds

1 1/3 cups spelt flour

Then stir in:

1 cup chocolate chips. (But I think that raisins or dried cranberries would be wicked too!)

Bake at 325 for ten minutes. Parchment paper on your cookie sheets is highly recommended. Makes: A whole lot. I didn't count. Three dozen maybe?

Ignore the Rumors...I am Actually Still Among the Living...

2009-05-05T15:16:00.011-04:00

GASP!!!! It's been two weeks since my last post, and I'm guessing that there's a few of you who are wondering what the hell happened to me. (Especially since I just quit my job a mere three blissful weeks ago, and one would think that I'd have all the time in the world to blog, (not to mention lay on the sofa, scratching my ass and eating bonbons.)

Well, I had every intention of doing just that, but a funny thing happened when I ceased to have regular employment. The first week was very weird...I found myself wandering around the house, not knowing exactly where I should start and therefore ending up doing not fucking much. I had so much free time that I couldn't figure out just how to channel my energies.

I blogged a small bit, I cleaned a small bit (very small) and I wrote a little bit. I even raked the lawn a small bit. But I was lacking focus. For eight years now my days have been dictated by someone else's schedule, and I had fallen out of practice when it came to planning my own time.

As a result, not much got done.

So, I needed to structure myself. I started by sending off my request for the final exam of my holistic nutrition course. That means that from the day the school mails it to my local library, I have 30 days to go and write it and have it sent back. (I expect that call any day now.) Finally! A focus for my days. It's scary to take that leap because I don't think I'll ever feel ready, but I needed to shit or get off the pot.

So my priority for the last two weeks has been study, study, study. I'm just holding steady with the housework; the spring cleaning can happen after the exam is over. And then I got an email confirming that I will again be employed at the Army Cadet camp at CFB Gagetown this July and August! My first reaction was to jump up in the air and holler YAHOO!

My second reaction was, "Oh shit. I still haven't taken off that fifteen pounds from the knee injury last summer, and I'm woefully out of shape. " Time to get at it. I have two months.

SOOOO...to make a long story short, the reason I haven't been blogging is that all my focus alternates between exercising and studying. The best part about reading about nutrition all day long is that you simply cannot get up off the sofa and order take out pizza or scoff Little Debbie cakes. It's all about the nutrition, which goes hand in hand with the weight loss efforts. And I'm happy to say that my motivation has finally taken hold and the weight is starting to drop off.

When I do cook, it's usually something healthy. (In fact, I haven't made a single thing in a month involving a can of beer. That's gotta be some kind of a record!)

Like these bagels I made a few days ago...

They're fifty percent whole wheat, and loaded with powdered flax, sesame seeds and raw pumpkin seeds.

And this smooth spinach and tomato soup...

Loaded with onions, red bell peppers and garlic, not to mention a shitload of spinach, this soup is like mainlining vitamins.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't give up on me yet! I still have lots of ideas brewing for the near future. As soon as my exam is over, I'm all yours again!

Love you all lots, and take care.

Peace!

The Post in Which I First Cross Paths with POM...

2009-04-21T05:33:00.008-04:00

A few weeks back, I got an email from the people at POM. (You know, the pomegranate juice folks? Anyway, they asked if I would be interested in trying a free sample of their juice. Now, my first reaction was NO WAY DUDE! Don't you all fund cruel animal testing? I went to PETA's website to get all the facts before I sent them my scathing reply, but guess what? They don't do animal testing any more. They have assured PETA that they no longer do animal testing and have no plans to do so in the future.

Oh. Whoops. Didn't get that memo, I guess.

Anyway, I replied and told the POM folks that I would be delighted to try their juice, and I meant that. I have to confess that at the age of 39 I have yet to eat a pomegranate. They just always seemed like too much work. (I can be lazy like that.) And I'd never, ever bought POM before, mainly because DUDE, five bucks a bottle? So when I got coupons in the mail for four bottles of POM juice, I did my happy dance. (Which is kinda like the chicken dance, only more graceful.) I came home from the Supermarket with four different types of juice, one of which has already gone by the wayside thanks to my daughter.

She decided that POM would be the perfect accompaniment to a bag of Cheetos. I guess considering that you really couldn't design a food worse for you than Cheetos if you tried, the POM was likely the best choice to have with it. because it can improve blood flow to the heart and protect against atherosclerosis.

Why? Because the pomegranate contains powerful anti-oxidants, supports your immune system and can work to prevent cancer. It can also improve blood flow to the heart and protect against atherosclerosis. Hopefully the POM at least did a little something about countering the Cheetos. (Which I've since put my foot down and asked the kids not to buy. Not only are the definitely not vegan, they aren't even really food.)

As it turns out, I really like the POM juice. It tasted really rich and Gawd, I have to say, it just tasted healthy, if that makes any sense. I picked up four different varieties....

.....regular POM, Pom-Mango, Pom-Blueberry and Pom-Cherry.

The blueberry kind was my favourite, and I had to wrestle my son for it last night. He was going to down the whole bottle as a snack. I warned him that it was very strong and he wasn't going to want to drink the whole thing. He pouted when I took the bottle and poured about half a cup full in his glass. But there's no damn way the kid's going to slurp back five bucks worth of juice!

Turns out I'm glad I did, because he couldn't even finish what I gave him. Like I said, it's very delicious, but also very concentrated. Almost reminded my of the prune juice I drank as a constipated little kid. I intend to use what I have left a little at a time, like in smoothies or in the homemade "ice cream" I make in the blender using frozen berries and bananas.

Thanks POM! I really enjoyed trying your juice, and I intend to always have a bottle around in the future. (But only when I get another job. This shit is 'spensive!

Anybody Going to London? I Can Help!

2009-04-17T06:05:00.031-04:00

Good Morning, Blogopeople! How the hell are you on this bee-yootiful day?

I'm having a great time being unemployed, thank you very much. Still looking to make some money from the comfort of my own sofa, but nothing much on the horizon yet. At least there wasn't, until last night. Last night, I got an intriguing email in my inbox from the same visionaries that wanted me to peddle an ebook a while back. At first I was afraid to open it, considering the review I gave them. I was afraid it was a notice letting me know that some goon was on his way over to break my kneecaps. But no! These folks actually had a website they wanted me to review, and they were offering to pay me in advance for doing it! (Oh lordy, what have these people been smoking, anyway, because I want some of it!)

Intrigued in spite of myself, I couldn't help but ch-ch-check it out. And it turns out that the website was actually kinda cool. You could have knocked me over with a feather, I was so surprised. So I agreed to be their little blog whore, and literally within minutes I had a PayPal deposit of a whole TEN BUCKS! Woo Hoo! And that's ten bucks AMERICAN, too! With today's exchange rate that scores me a cool twelve dollars and SIX CENTS! I'm gonna go out now and buy me a four-pack of Hanes Her Way granny panties with my earnings.

(Actually, the fact that the website was cool really wouldn't have mattered. I would have kinda preferred it if the website was an absolute disaster. Way more fun that way.)

At any rate, time to earn my big cash deposit...

On your way to London, you say? Not sure where to go to pick up some gay sex toys? Then check out Qype, where you can find them, and then share them! (That's their slogan, BTW. I would not actually recommend sharing those toys, at least not until you've cleaned and degummed them.)

Or perhaps you merely want to kill some time at the dog track. (Barf.) Qype will tell you how to find it! The fact that only an asshole would enjoy watching that shit is another topic altogether.

Or perhaps you just want to relax with a garden hose up your butt? Qype will tell you how to go about booking a High Colonic with Cecilia. She serves mint tea after your butt flushing, and I hear that's it's divine.

And if you happen to be a lonely (and let's face it, desperate) single man, and all you want is a handjob in your hotel room by a woman dressed in a schoolgirl uniform, well, Qype's got your back, dude! (Speaking of dudes, I think that this person from their website might actually be one.)

In fact, in all seriousness, Qype is actually a pretty cool website that I would actually consult if I was winging my way to London, which of course I'm not because I'm totally poor. So I'm now going to do my job and post the links I'm actually being paid good pantie money to post.

Need to find a hostel in London? Someplace reasonably clean, bedbug free and hopefully not frequented by psychotic axe murderers? I hear they might have a few. Try this link for Hostels London.

(Why does that say Hostels London instead of London Hostels? I don't know, but they told me to post it that way. Apparently that's some more of that SEO writing shiz.)

And what if you have a urgent burning need to scare up a mess of curry and a schmear of Paneer? Click on this link for Indian Restaurants London.

Now, I can't imagine flying halfway across the world to go to a damn movie, (I get fleeced on the price of popcorn just fine here at home) but if that's just how you roll, try this link for Cinemas London.

And last, (but certainly not least) if you wanna go out for a big feed of some real British stuff, like bangers and mash and a pint of beer or four, check out their ever-so-extensive list of restaurants. (Hey! Finally a link I can actually use.)

PS: (Hey Qype! I actually really do ike you. Please don't hate me too much...I just can't help myself sometimes...)

A Shitty Lesson in SEO Writing

2009-04-14T10:22:00.024-04:00

So, now that I'm somewhat unemployed, I've been searching the Net for freelance writing jobs. Why not get paid for a job you can do in your bathrobe with bunny slippers on your feet and a rum and coke by your side, I always say. But in trolling around freelance writing sites, I encountered a term that I'd never really heard before, and that beautiful term is:

SEO Writing.

Ok, calm down. I know that you know that I know nothing about what that is, so of course I set out to find out. I have a bubbling, frothing need to know EVERYTHING, so I needed to do a little research. Turns out that a lot of freelance writing jobs require you to understand proper SEO technique. And since I know YOU also have an throbbing need to know, I'm going to save you all some time and explain it to you in plain english.

Ready? Let's begin.

SEO stands for Search Engine Optimization, and since I simply can't have those pesky search engines less than optimized, I really need to get with the program and jump on board. Basically, it means that if you want any poor fuckers to stumble across your lousy blog (and I certainly want them to stagger drunkenly onto mine) than you need to know what search terms people are going to Google. If you play your cards right, every pathetic schmoe with even a passing interest in your subject matter will show up there eventually. Maybe one or two might actually stick around long enough to read your content.

Let's put this in more practical matters. Let's say that I'm going to write a short article about how to get more fibre in your diet, (something that I'm sure all of you lay awake at night worrying about.) I have to then close my eyes and get into the mindset of the person who might want to find my pithy and informative article on the topic. What would this poor constipated bastard be Googling? Well, "fibre" of course, but also "bran, psyllium, bowels, roughage, constipated, hemorrhoids (ouch!) toilet, and of course, rectum. I would need my little 'ol article to mention all these words.

But what about the less civilized and perhaps less well-spoken folks among us? They have fibre needs too! So I need to get much more earthy with my bad self and include words like "shit, ass, turd, and log." And what the hell, let's throw in the word "scat" while we're at it, (even though that word is likely to drag in just the worst sort of people.) But what the hell, let's throw caution to the wind. Even people who like to use their shit as finger paint get bound up sometimes.

Now, we're ready to write. It's simply not good enough to just throw those words out there and hope that some poor bastard stumbles on your blog by accident. His time is valuable! He lives in the now! You need to deliver the goods and hope that this random horny Googler returns to sample your wares again and again.

Understand everything so far? GREAT! Now we're ready to scare up a fine piece of SEO literature.

*********

Let's Talk About Fibre....

It's excruciatingly important to get enough fibre in your diet if you have any hope in hell of avoiding a scorching case of hemorrhoids exploding from your puckered purple ass. Doctors recommend a minimum of 25 grams per day of fibre, or you run a chance of your bowels getting locked up like they've been filled with wet cement. Some experts would recommend eating roughage like bran, but bran can be pretty damn scratchy and may scour your rectum raw. Psyllium husk is certainly a good option for keeping your turds soft and pliable, but it's pretty expensive and too fucking much of it will just make you more constipated than ever. Good luck trying to haul THAT log down the ol' poop chute!

In order to enjoy a pleasant and stress-free experience on the toilet, I recommend lots of fruits and vegetables. Corn is certainly a good choice, as it is what is called insoluble fibre and will explode from your bunghole exactly the way it went in. (As an added bonus, corn tends to liven up your scat play as well, as it adds texture and visual interest.)

Be sure to include at least five servings of fruit and vegetables each day, drink lots of water and for God's sake don't strain while you're on the throne. You want the shit to ease out naturally and on it's own schedule. Follow these tips and I guarantee you'll be enjoying some of the softest and most fragrantly beautiful fecal matter in the neighbourhood.

*******

Now...you try it!

Easter at White Point Beach

2009-04-13T06:45:00.010-04:00

So, what do you do when you feel like you haven't seen your children in like, FOREVER, you need to celebrate not only your son's fourteenth birthday plus you also want to see fornicating rabbits?

You go to White Point Beach Resort for Easter, that's what you do!

Sure, it certainly wasn't your typical beach weather, but that's OK. Being from Canada's Ocean Playground, the beach is kinda ho hum. I mostly wanted to go for the bunnies!

White Point is known for it's colony of rabbits that hop all over the property year round. You can even get free bags of bunny food at the front desk.

Alas, I was not able to witness any hot rabbit-on-rabbit action, but it was fun to wander around and spot these little guys.

I'd never been to White Point before, despite the fact that it's only about an hour away from where we live. I have to say I was really impressed...it's a huge, sprawling place that kinda reminded me of the resort in Dirty Dancing, only on the beach and lousy with wabbits.

The kids are dying to get back during the summer time, and I agree. I can so see myself being totally able to relax here. This is what happened this weekend when I managed to get really relaxed....

I got a few glasses of wine into me, got silly and took pictures of Bob's nipples.

We all had a really nice time. The weather sucked, consisting mostly of torrential rain and icy wind from the ocean, but we enjoyed it anyway.

The breakfast buffet was awesome... lots of fruit and pastries and shit like that. Supper was great too...lots of veggie options, like ravioli with maple curry cream, (which tastes way better than it sounds, BTW.) Unfortunately, I forgot my camera back at the room and I wasn't about to go back out in the rain to get it.

All in all, it was the perfect little opportunity for all of us to reconnect, have a few laughs and get ready for the next few months. Now that I'm not working, I can actually forsee them being rewarding.

And how was YOUR Easter, btw?

PS: You might have noticed that my Bacon Salt giveaway kinda went nowhere. Details and an update next time. Peace!

A Life Changing Announcement...!

2009-04-11T06:37:00.005-04:00

Hello and felicitations to all those peeps who drop by here now and again. I apologize for being so darn silent this last little while, but I had a good reason.

The reason was that I was having my soul slowly consumed by the bubble-headed nitwits and bloodsucking management at my place of employment, leaving me nothing to share at the end of the day with all of you. Truly, my work career had evolved over time to a state of never ending frustration and so fucking much boredom that my brain was turning into tapioca. I would not have been surprised if it had not started leaking out of my ears.

I know it's hard to believe, (for any of you who feel you know me even a little), but the Powers that Be in their infinite wisdom took my eight years of experience with the company, combined with a raise every year and seven consecutive excellent performance reviews, and decided that the perfect job for me would be one more suited to a trained baboon. About an hour a day total I answered emails with one sentence replies and spent the other seven hours staring off into space and reading and re-reading the want ads on the company Intranet, hoping that someone, ANYONE, would post something new for me to read. Beyond sad.

So effective yesterday, I have now offically joined the ranks of the unemployed. I handed in my resignation last week, and now I could not feel more free and liberated if I tried. Sure, we're going to have to watch our pennies a little more than we used to. But I'd rather be in my kitchen re-using tea bags and washing out plastic baggies than selling my soul to a corporation who appreciates nothing that their employees do for them.

SOOOO.....expect lots of posts in the next little while as I hone my writing chops and let my creativity soar again. And if anyone knows of a website or publication who might be willing to actually PAY for my sense of humour, please drop me a line and let me know.

To celebrate our newfound freedom (because it's not just me who benefits here, it's my entire family) we have a special celebration planned for tonight. Please drop be tomorrow night for all the details.

Wheeeeeeeeeee! I'm freeeeeeeeee!

Why Middle-Aged Women Shouldn't Twitter

2009-03-30T08:30:00.006-04:00

Ok, so I think I'm a pretty cool chick, considering I'm thirty-nine years young. I listen to the Black Eyed Peas, wear cool logo t-shirts, and I know all the hip sayings these kids are so fond of these days. I Facebook, I YouTube, heck, I've even been known to Perez Hilton.

But one thing I don't do is Twitter, and I'll tell you why:

I am middle aged, and my life is just too boring to share on a daily basis.

For those of you still stuck in the Dark Ages, Twitter is a service that let's you keep all your friends and family updated with what you're doing, every damn minute of every damn day. Just had a hellacious whisky shit that almost burned your bunghole raw? Share it! Your friends want to know! Just crawl off the table from your yearly mammogram, feeling like your tits were squeezed in a vice? Tell us about it! Just be sure to sum up all of your crazy experiences in 140 characters or less. Did you drunkenly haul a toothless man home from the bar last night and bang him senseless? Inquiring minds want to know!

But my life is just too boring to share with that kind of frequency. I wouldn't want anyone to fall asleep behind the wheel due to the tranquilizing effect of my Twitterings. (Or TWEETS, as those in the know call them.) Don't believe me? OK, here goes. If I had Twittered my life away yesterday, here is what it would have looked like:

*****

0630 AM:
Ugh...awake at 630 Am again. And why does it stink so bad in here? I'm never, ever feeding that man baked beans again, I swear to God.

0715 AM
What the hell is wrong with this damn cat? Doesn't he know it's raining out from the last time I let his ass out, a mere five minutes ago?

0716 AM
I know, I know. I need to lose ten pounds, but I don't wanna eat grapefruit again. Bring on the toast with an inch of peanut butter. Hmmm...

0745 AM
Make mental note to buy electric crotch clippers. Everyone is tired of pubes embedded in the soap. Or maybe, liquid soap is the answer...?

0847 AM
I think we need a humidifier. The air in this house is so dry in here that it feels like my nostrils are plugged with crusty boogies.

0917 AM
Ok, someone has to teach The Boy some aim. It's getting pretty offensive back here, down on my hands and knees behind this damn toilet.

1009 AM
Oh Lord, there's well-dressed religious people headed this way. Time to lock the door and crouch in the closet, pretending to not be home.

1012 AM

Dammit, I burned the fucking cookies while I was crouched in the closet. I need to invest in heavier drapes.

1049 AM
If I could speak Cat, I would let this little fucker know that I really didn't appreciate the live squirrel being dropped at my feet.

1117 AM
Is it too early for Jack Daniel's? I mean, it's gotta be five o'clock somewhere, right?

1259 PM
It's about time that the girl finally crawled out of bed. I'm beginning to think she's part vampire like in those damn books she reads.

0127 PM
I've come to the conclusion that raccoons are difficult animals to love, especially when they manage to get into my damn garage.

0134 PM
That's just great. I just spent ten minutes picking up filthy garbage off the garage floor with my bare hands. Shoulda bought rubber gloves.

0245 PM
Panic time. The Boy seems to have a big project due tomorrow, and is just remembering it now. Off to town for emergency glue shopping.

0327 PM
The old guy ahead of me in line has the longest and most luxurious nose hairs I've ever seen. They're fanning in and out like party favors.

0401 PM
Twenty bucks later I'm the proud owner of Bristol board, glue, and new markers. The kid is working frantically. Is it 5 o'clock yet?

0403 PM
Fuck it. It's four-thirty in Newfoundland and that's close enough for me.

0507 PM
Frankly, I don't give a shit that the kids want French fries for supper, they're getting vegetables. Hey, I can be bitchy when I want to be!

0549 PM
As I scrape the broccoli into the composter, I wonder absently if that racoon will be coming back for this. Here's hoping.

0615 PM
I just pinned the boy down and forcibly cut his toenails. They looked like little machetes. Now I have toenail clippings all over my duvet.

0701 PM
Fuck it's hot in here. I hope it isn't the beginning of menopause. I don't WANT to grow a moustache or sprout chin whiskers!

0755 PM
Ahh, time for a bubble bath. Lots of suds, my body puff, a glass of wine, and a dirty discarded Band-Aid decorating the side of the tub.

0819 PM
Tried to convince my husband that rubbing my feet was something he wanted to do. He paid absolutely no attention to me. Fuck Nascar!!

0847 PM
The nightly fight over the sofa begins. Hey, I've had a hard day so I should get it, right? I am, as always, unsuccessful.

0930 PM
Time for bed I guess, since morning comes early and if I don't get up noone will fucking well get up. Where the hell is the cat, by the way?

0936 PM
Stupid ass cat is on the roof, meowing outside the window. Send husband out to get stupid cat, cuz there's no way I'm going out in my jammies.

0941 PM
Goddammit, there's toenails in my bed.

0947 PM

Nascar is finally over and The Man has crawled in bed with me. Hey, you wouldn't rub my feet earlier; don't even THINK about nookie!

1159 PM
Wondering why it stinks in here again, until I remember the leftover baked beans.

*****

Still awake? Didn't think so.... :0)

A Heartfelt Apology to Waverley Kitchens....

2009-03-28T12:41:00.023-04:00

Ok, so a few weeks ago I get an email out of the blue from some very nice people at Waverley Kitchens, asking me to try a new product of theirs called "WK Paks." As a person who just LOVES to get free shit in the mail, of course I jumped on the offer and said, sure, send whatever that is up to me and I'll check it out.

Now, I have a confession to make: I grew up in perhaps the most blindingly white rural area you could possibly imagine. Think manure spreaders and pick up trucks with a side of golf courses and old money. I never ate Indian food growing up...in fact, I still don't. I'm far too fussy an eater to be too adventurous when I'm dining out, because nothing pisses me off more than spending muy dinero on a meal that tastes like a goat's balls.

So, the sum total of my experience with Indian cusine was an ill-fated weekend many moons ago when I attempted to whip up my very first Indian feast and pass it off as edible to my long-suffering family. With the exception of the naan, I have to admit that the whole thing was one big stinkereeno.

So, it was a combination of freebie glee and trepidation that I was feeling when I got the WK paks in the mail... For those of you that aren't in the loop, each pak contains all the spices needed for an authentic Indian dish, along with a convenient shopping list and detailed directions.

I must confess that I dilly-dallied around once I got the paks, as I had really started to like these folks based on their very pleasant emails, and I just didn't want to give them a bad review, something I was certain was going to happen based on our collective apathy to Indian spices. (And those who know me know that I have vowed to always be honest in my product reviews.) My husband in particular pretty much loathes anything with cumin in it, so I was particularly concerned about his take on the whole thing.

But eventually I could not put off the inevitable, and I scheduled our Indian feast-o-rama last Monday night. As a back up, I made a big pot of vegetable soup, so that if we ended up scraping our plates into the composter we'd still be covered. Sorry, Waverley Kitchens...I confess I didn't have much faith in you.

At suppertime, I enlisted the help of my kids to get my appointed dishes underway, as I was busy making naan to go with the dinner. The WK people had sent me the paks for Corn and Potato curry and Bell Pepper and Tofu Sabji. (They also sent the spices for Pineapple Raita, but that was already made and chillaxin' in the fridge.)

My daughter was in charge of the sabji....

...and my son got busy with the curry.

The kitchen was filled with the unique but not unpleasant aroma of curry. I left the room for just a few minutes, and when I come back, guess what I see?

My two children spearing all the tofu out of the sabji and eating it on skewers.

As well, a big soup spoon was resting in the middle of the corn and potato curry pan like someone had been noshing on the job. All I can say is this: It's a damn good thing I made a big batch of naan because after my two kitchen helpers were finished taste-testing, we only got a smattering of dinner to eat. And all of it was damn good, if I do say so my damned self.

The only thing we weren't so keen on was the Pineapple Raita.

Although it certainly tasted OK, (I would even venture a "pretty good" in fact,) yogourt in general has never been big in my house and I think this one was just too much of a stretch for us country folks.

Waverly Kitchens, I just want to apologize and hope you can forgive me. I kinda accepted your gift under false pretenses, considering the fact that I fully expected to hate it. I should have had more faith; your spice mixes were actually pretty amazing, and the instructions were so simple only a drooling babboon could mess it up. In fact, my teens are clamoring for more and were discussing during supper the possibility of whipping up curry in the afternoon after school, I kid you not.

Alas, gentle readers outside the US of A, (and that include meself) they don't ship oustide the US at this time. To the kind folks at Waverley Kitchens: Please keep me in mind when that changes, and I'll be the first customer on your list.

Only So Much Time and So Much Mind...

2009-03-21T08:18:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone! I just thought I'd drop you all a line and let you know that I haven't passed away or anything...However, a series of recent events have conspired to prevent me from blogging.

First of all, I took a spell of being deathly ill and missed two days from work. Nasty stuff...coughing, sneezing, fever, the shits...this bug had it all. Really, I should have stayed home twice that long, but you all know how work is these days...You have to show up or else.

Secondly, I needed to focus on finishing up my first novel. Yes, you read that right. Since September I've been writing a novel one chapter at a time and allowing it to be posted on the company Intranet for all of the other employees to read. When I started I had no idea where it would go, but now that I've finally wrapped it up I think that with a little work it has potential to be so much more. I need to now sex it up a bit and send it off to publishers and see what happens. Who knows? Maybe someday you'll be sipping a margarita on a beach somewhere, getting lost in my story. I'll keep you posted.

Thirdly, I have been given my first professional writing assignment for Saltscapes magazine, and the deadline for that article is looming. I'm being paid muy dinero for this one, gentle readers, so I'm sure you can understand why the blogging dips in importance a bit in comparison. Ok, dips a lot.

Lastly, I'm back on shiftwork and extended shifts at that. I've been working sometimes twelve hours a day and I'm not getting to bed until after midnight, and my body is not adjusting that readily to the new schedule. I'm lucky lately that I can string three words together in a sentence, let alone write something funny.

Hopefully in a few days I'll acclimate...

Until then, keep on keepin' on, peeps.

Product Reviews that Left Me Saying "Meh" and then BLEH!"

2009-03-11T05:55:00.016-04:00

Recently, I erupted into writhing, shuddering paroxysms of joy right in the middle of the frozen food aisle at the supermarket, all due to the appearance on the shelves of some new President's Choice Blue Menu products.

OK, maybe I'm exaggerating, but only a little. I swear my panties were at least somewhat damp, though, when I saw these new Frozen Blueberry Oatmeal bowls.

For someone like moi who at least tries somewhat to be a responsible eco-citizen, these babies have a big strike against them right from the get-go. I mean, who really need to get their morning gruel swathed in a (likely) non-recyclable plastic bowl, wrapped in plastic wrap and then stuffed in a box, (that will likely never break down and propbably kill marine mammals?)

Well I do, I guess, because I shelled out $2.99 for just two bowls. And I was super-excited to go to bed early that night just so that morning would arrive faster and I could get to eatin' my steamy, creamy bowl of fibrous love.

My first impression of this stuff is that it's just not sweet enough, but maybe that's because I'm used to my hot cereal being doused liberally with brown sugar, (or maybe because I'm so darned sweet myself!)

Having never had frozen oatmeal before, I was amazed that the texture turned out so nice and oat-mealish. There was one strange thing I must however mention: There are odd chewy bits in this oatmeal that I found off-putting at first, but learned to embrace half-way through the bowl. (Much like sand in your bathing suit...at first it's irritating and you want it gone, but then once you relax into the experience it becomes as sensual as it is grainy and abrasive.)

The blueberries tasted fresh and popped delightfully against the palate, allowing you to work out some of your breakfast aggressions and is an experience that rehydrated fruit can never provide. All in all, despite the planet-destroying excxessive packaging and the fact that I spent a ridiculous amount of money for essentially a handfull of oats, I think I just may buy these again for those mornings when I'm fucking late for fucking something or other.

Next up, President's Choice Blue Menu Soybeans in Tomato Sauce.

I had crazy high hopes for these little nubbins of gaseousness. Over the years I have discovered that the soybean is unlike any other bean in that you can cook the little fuckers until the end of time and they will NEVER get soft. They will remain slightly hard forever and always, which pisses me off because I don't like my beans to be a chewy component in any thing I make; I want them to slide down my throat like soft little globs of phlegm. Perhaps, I thought, the PC people have found the answer.

I cooked them up one very busy weeknight with some sliced veggie weenies. They certainly looked just lovely in the pot, all shiny and resplendent in their crimson tomatoey ooze.

The smell in the kitchen was divine and appropriately cowboy-esque, but I suspect that this had more to do with the prior sauteeing of the veggie weenies. Once plated, this had the appearance of a wonderful, satisfying, gotta-eat-and-run meal.

And then I took a bite. Oh. My. GAWD! These beans are BARF-O-LICIOUS, disgusting, repulsive, shitty, and gag-worthy. I literally ran into the kitchen and spit this into the garbage can, it was THAT bad. It was like eating little three-month old rabbit pellets with No Name ketchup on them. President's Choice, you know I love you...I basically whore myself out for your products for free all the damn time, after all. But you really, really missed the boat on this one, and then some. I recommend that you gather up all your unsold cans of these beans and grind them up for pet food. (That is, if the pets will even eat them. I know MY pet has a far too finely honed palate to ever nosh on shit like THIS.)

PS: I picked the weenies out and ate them with bread, just in case you were worried than I went hungry that night. Thanks for your concern. :0)

So, This is What It's like to be Busy, Eh?

2009-03-10T06:54:00.004-04:00

I was so busy at work yesterday that I almost met myself going and coming. The good part of that, of course, is that the day flew by before I knew it and I didn't have the chance to raid the vending machine even once.

The bad part is that my brain has developed a cramp that is preventing me from coherently putting words together to make a sentence.

SO...I think this morning I'll just let the food speak for iteself.

Quinoa Vegetable Soup that I made this past weekend....

...and some gluten-free tea biscuits for dunking. Bon Appetit!

If You Love Judge Judy as much as I Do, You're Gonna LOVE This!

2009-03-07T07:05:00.004-04:00

Thank God it's Saturday.

Things are a changin' at my place of employment, which is a blessing. I work for a call centre that services several different clients. (The names of those clients I am not at liberty to reveal, because then I would have to kill you.) Anyway, I've worked for the same client for SEVEN YEARS NOW, going down with the ship as the program got smaller almost by the day, drooling on my keyboard as the work steadily trickled away. Finally, last week that program and client bit the dust, and I'm free to move on to more interesting things with a brand-new client. YAY! I get to actually use my brain again!

But first comes training. A week of it. Training sucks, always has. Perhaps some of you out there can relate to it, trapped in a windowless, dim, warm room with many others, listening to the soft droning of the trainer as your eyelids get heavy, unable to escape as the trainer rehashes the material over and over again for the slow-witted member of the entourage.

ACK. Thank God it's finally over, and come Monday I'll actually have something to do while I'm at work other than socialize and pick my nose.

At any rate, when I got up this morning I was sorely in need of a good laugh to start off the weekend, and boy, did I find it! If you love Judge Judy like I do (and I do, almost biblically) then take a few minutes to listen to these prank calls made using tape recordings of her voice. Priceless!