Christmas Is....

...a big honkin' cast iron pan full of hypertension-causing, salty as old hell, white-bread rolls swimming in garlicy margarine and drenched in vegan parm.

Not to mention shlepping around the house in a twelve-dollar fake fur camo hat that makes you look like an escaped mental patient. Wearing no makeup adds to the effect...

I say if you're going to abuse the ol' bod at some point during the year, and humiliate yourself by looking ridiculous, this sure is the time. Merry Christmahannakwanaa, you bastards!

(Cheers! Where's the red wine, anyway...?)