Kiss my Vegetarian Backside, Anonymous Commenter!

I'm baaaaaack, everyone, after almost two full months away at Army Cadet camp, and I'm raring to go! I didn't mean to leave you all quite so abruptly, but, well...I had lots of last minute shit to do and not enough time to do it in. Get over it already.

I'm happy to report that I survived the summer, despite being moved abruptly mid-summer from an Army training facility to a Sea Cadet facility, due to an outbreak of the Swine Flu. Whilst there, I was able to engage in some serious hard-core training, like this radical climbing wall....

And this one......

Other times I just hung around....

Yup, the training was intense, but luckily I was able to fuel up every day with a nice plate of potatoes in various disguises and boiled vegetables. (Cadet camps are not known for their top-notch cuisine, especially if you're a veggie.) I've eaten far too many potatoes than is good for me, and I can feel it in my joints. Time for a bit of a detox, me thinks...

In my absence, I only received 35 comments, the vast majority of which were weird Chinese spam that seemed to be about Michael Jackson and/or Viagra. I think most of you have lurked around long enough to know where I jetted off to. However, the last one I got gave me a bit of a laugh. And I quote:

Anonymous said...
So many meat substitutes, they will never match the real things. Sounds like your suppressing your secret urge to eat meat, with all these fakes. i hope you dont force being vegan on your family. humans = omnivore lol

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Snort* *Chuckle* *ROTFLMAO.... (Juice shoots out nose all over keyboard)

Now, I find this one funny on so many levels that it honestly made my day. Allow me to explain...

A: I think people who leave anonymous derogatory comments on random blogs to really be the Big Fat Losers of the Internet world, somewhere just below those sad folks who use fake pictures of themselves to try and get themselves a date on Plenty of Fish.

I mean, there are all kinds of people whose lifestyle I don't agree with. In fact, being as contrary as I am, I tend to think that there's almost no one on the planet that I agree with all the time, and that includes my own family. I disagree with the Hari Krishnas, the American Kennel Club, the Right to Life, the Mormons, the Fruitarians, the swingers, and the 4H club, just to name a few. I guess I could spend my time scouring websites I don't happen to like and leave pithy-but-nasty comments on them for their viewing pleasure, but guess what? I'm actually too busy out there having a life. Anonymous Commenter, why don't you send me your email and I'll give you an address where you can go out and buy a life of your own? I would consider it a public service.

B: "I hope you don't force being vegan on your family." Dude, of course I do! I also make them go to sleep every night (not easy with teenagers, BTW) brush their teeth once a week whether they need it or not, and flush the toilet after they do their business. I even force my daughter to wipe her butt from front to back, ogre that I am.

But seriously, Anonymous putz, you clearly have never had teenagers. You don't force a teenager to do anything they don't want to do. If they eat a meatless diet it's most definitely because they actually want to. They spend the majority of their lives out of my sight already, and trying to force them to do anything would be like trying to corral the ocean.

C: Human=omnivore lol

Listen shmuck, just because we humans CAN do something, doesn't mean it's actually good for us to do it. Humans can and have surived by eating each other, but I won't exactly be chowing down on my neighbours anytime soon. All I can say is this: If you wan't to keep noshing on meat and animal products, go ahead and knock yourself out! You sound like someone who will snarf back double bacon cheeseburgers every day just to show everybody else that it's your life and you'll do whatever you want, dammit! Damn vegetarians won't take away YOUR right to clog your arteries anyhow you see fit, will they now?! Good on ya, buddy. Let me know which hospital will be hosting your quadruple bypass and I'll send ya a card.

Glad to be back, everybody. Tomorrow: An unexpected and mysterious package greets my arrival home...