The Compassionate Breast

If there's a time of year when I am most likely to wax nostalgic about my meat-eating days, it would be barbecue season. There's just something about sitting on the deck with a cold beer in hand, watching some hairy neanderthal display his manly prowess at the grill while alternately grunting and scratching his balls. Something about it just says summer to me.

So despite the fact that the price of gluten flour still rivals the cost of my first car, I've been drawn lately to whip up some seitan creations that can be served up with grill marks and a hearty dose of spicy. Recently, I threw together a fairly chicken-esque creation that I shaped into something akin to a breast, and ended up slow-cooking for two hours in my Grandmother's famous sauce. (A recipe that will go to the grave with me, unless someone is willing to pony up a few thousand bucks. Yes, it's that good.)

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Now, I had an email recently from a (seemingly) puzzled woman who demanded to know why, as a non-meat eater, I would go to the trouble of making/eating/creating anything that tastes like or resembles meat. She found it bizarre, to say the least, and the tone of the email frankly put my nose out of joint a little bit. (It was a little pert, lady.) The answer to that question is: I dunno. I just do. I tried to barbecue some beans once but they kept falling through the grill. And I used to make my seitan in the shape of a Masengill douchebag, but my husband found that disturbing. I have to shape it like something, so why not like a breast? I mean really, the end result really looks nothing like a breast, unless of course it's a breast from one of those African tribeswomen who go their whole life without wearing a bra.

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I ate meat for 36 years. I guess some habits never really leave a person. The emailer should have been happy I was eating fake meat and not down the street clubbing stray cats instead. Jeesh.

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(As an aside, is anyone out there old enough to remember the Massengill douche? I only used a few of them back in the day, but I do remember that I loved the feeling of being salad-bar fresh. Too bad they aren't so good for the box....)

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Anyway, without further ado, for those of you yearning for something cruelty-free to scorch up, give this a shot. The final picture was an epic fail because we were three-quarters of the way through a box of wine at that point, but I'm cookin' up some more today and I'll post a much better picture tomorrow. Unless of course, I pick up another box of wine on the way home...:0)

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Chicken Breasts, Hold the Cluck!

In a blender, add:

6 oz silken firm tofu
¾ cup cold water
2 Tbsp Nayonnaise
2 tsp olive oil
3 Tbsp nutritional yeast
2 ½ Tbsp vegan chicken bouillon
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp onion powder
½ tsp poultry seasoning
1 tsp salt

~Blend well~

In a large bowl, add:
½ cup soy flour
1 ¼ cup gluten flour
1 tsp Mrs Dash Extra-Spicy (or ½ tsp black pepper)

Pour the blended mixture into the dry ingredients. Mix well, and then knead briefly into a ball. Cover and let sit for one hour.

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Then, dust countertop with a bit more gluten flour. Knead for a minute until the dough is smooth. Divide dough into chicken-breast sized pieces. Shape however you like.

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Coat some non-stick foil with PAM and heat oven to 250 degrees. Wrap your “breasts” in foil and bake one and a half to two hours. (The lesser time will make the breasts more tender, say for putting on the BBQ, the longer time is better if the breasts will be soaking or marinating for a while in a sauce.)

Cool on a wire rack. I prefer to take these out the day I'm grilling them and let them marinate in something wet and tasty for a considerable amount of time. The baking creates a seal that prevents them from soaking up too much liquid and getting spongy, but a little moisture goes a long way.

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Also, don't overcook on the grill, or your breasts will get tough and chewy. I could make another crack here about people who never wear a bra, but I think I'll quit while I'm ahead. I'e had enough hate mail this week already...:0)