A Cherished Gift, and Sexual Stimulants at the Gas Station!

Unless you've been in a coma this last little while, you will have perhaps noticed that Father's Day has just passed us by. And because every little minutiae of my life is so endlessly fascinating, I just know you're breathlessly waiting for me to fill you in on what I got Bob for Father's day.

Well, wait no longer.

Let me first say that Bob is a hard guy to shop for, because he generally will help himself to anything that he really desires, damn the fact that you've already bought and wrapped it for him. By "help himself" I mean that he will go and buy the very thing he asked for the day before Christmas if it happens to be a good sale or he just feels like it. He gets this trait honestly from HIS father. It annoys the fuck out of me, because I have to rack my brain to find a gift that I know he'll really love but not get in the mood to buy himself.

And so, on this most momentous of Father's Days. I bought that man....

A SNUGGIE!!!!!

See the expression of pure delight on his face??? That man was beside himself with joy over is new blanket with arms. So joyful, in fact, that he had to try on that Snuggie IMMEDIATELY, even though we were at his Mother's house.

(He was less thrilled over the free mini book light.)

When we got home that night, Bob wasted no time in finding some sports on the TV and snuggling in for a good long snoozefest in his cozy fleece Snuggie. In fact, the Snuggie has become so popular that we have a new saying around these parts: "What happens in the Snuggie, STAYS in the Snuggie." That thing truly is so voluminous that he could be getting serviced by a pack of elves under there and the children, just three feet away, would never be the wiser.

Which leads me, rather conveniently, to my next big discovery. Half way to Granny's house we stop at a gas station to take a leak and buy unhealthy snack foods, and what do I spot right between the cash register and the Beef Jerky?

SEXUAL STIMULANTS.

According to the package, these little capsules of romance are supposed to "help promote sexual desire in women" with a bonus function of helping me eliminate my toxins. God knows I'm feeling toxic lately, what with that box of wine and all. So naturally I needed to buy these suckers immediately. I felt the need to make jokes with the cashier and stammered a little, but my children, knowing me so very well, didn't bat an eye.

Now, when I saw these for sale in a GAS STATION, of all places, it made me think of gas stations that sell alcohol as well, something that I never thought made any sense. Do you really want some boozer filling their tank and getting a six-pack for the road? And even if the driver doesn't guzzle the booze as they zoom down the highway, isn't this still an odd choice of venue for selling liquor? I feel the same way about sexy pills. I have visions of people swerving down I-90 as the attempt to rip the clothes off their passenger in a frenzy of lust brought on by irresponsible sex-pill sales.

At any rate, I intended for Bob and I to take these pills just as soon as we got home and see where it headed, but alas, he promptly fell asleep in his Snuggie. Alas, the same thing happened the next few nights, and I was afraid that I would perhaps drop dead before having a chance to get all worked up medicinally.

So I took mine this morning. Sure, it's a weekday and my husband is at work, but I have a delivery driver coming to deliver a package today. Maybe he'll be cute, if I'm horned up enough. (The last one had very sexy knees.) Worst case scenario, I call Bob and work and demand he come home, NOW. I'll make some excuse about needing him to check a mole on my rear end and we'll run upstairs to do the deed.

Alas, as I sit here at my computer I am sad to report that I seem to have wasted $2.99 on two dud sex pills. I feel no stirring of urges whatsoever, no burning need to call Bob or attack the old guy walking by my house. If anything, I feel a little nauseous, but that just might be the smell of the catfood wafting in my direction. Oh well, perhaps my toxins are detoxing even as I write this, and that's a good thing, right?

I think I'll go put on the Snuggie and take a nap....