Why SEOBlog Reviews are the Biggest Idiots on the Planet

In this life, I think that almost everyone falls into one of two categories: The User and The Used. It's a neat little system that enables the world to function smoothly. The only hitch is when someone forgets which side of the fence they are on.

Such is the case with a bunch of sad sack losers located SEO Blog Reviews. I have just had my third encounter with these slobbering morons, and I'm afraid that our brief but satisfying relationship is about to screech to a halt, all because they seem to think that they are the Users in this situation. Sorry fellas....you are the used.

The first episode of mirth arose when they wanted me to do a review of their client's "Eye Floater" cure. Whoever is trying to push this eye floater bullshit is a total scam artist preying on sick people, and therefore, any company that agrees to try and trick legitimate bloggers into shilling for them are therefore just as culpable in my eyes. You're all assholes equally. Sure, I had my fun with the two of you. I just about laughed my hole inside out reviewing your fake "cure." Face it, SEO Blogreviews and Eye Floater dickhead, you got used.

But that didn't seem to stop SEO Blogreviews from trying to use me again to prostitute myself for yet another client, a London based travel website called Qype. Actually, I kinda liked this website, but as a country hick with a joe job, there ain't a lot of London travel going to be happening for me anytime soon. Not only that, but I feel strongly that the people who read my blog have more than two withered brain cells to rub together, so an earnest (and oddly worded) post about how fucking amazing I find this website to be would leave my readers scratching their heads and wondering if I signed up for medical experiments and forgot to mention it.

So, I used them again, had a laugh reviewing their site, made eight bucks and bought a T-shirt with the proceeds. Fortunately, I got the cash in advance because post-review, the SEO people were ridiculously underwhlemed with the quality of my writing and the fact that I called them out on their sneaky-ass bullshit.

You see, they want to pay to have supposedly legitimate bloggers like me "sneak" positive reviews into their daily musings, something that frankly fools nobody. Not only that, the end results turn out making the blogger look like a schizophrenic headcase that just happens to out of the blue have a love affair for a store/service/website not even located in their hemisphere.

Don't believe me? Check out this ridiculous offering written by a self-described "mentally retarded lover boy" on behalf of the next company they want to pay me ten bucks to whore for- a UK based netbook accessories store. I'm sure they are lovely, but what's that got to do with a dude in the Phillipines? And why would a homeschooling nerdy Christian mom from Fresno suddenly be all aflutter over their drool-worthy laptop acessories? That's a long commute just to do some shopping. The effect is chillingly odd. I doubt that this strategy is really driving any business towards their client, either. In fact, I bet they got more click-thrus for Qype and the Eye Floater cornholers from MY review than they ever get from somewhere else.

So, after being tremendously displeased with my last review, you could have knocked me over with a feather to get yet another offer in my inbox today. (Someone in your organization on crack, or what?) What the hell, I say. Ten bucks will buy me a new bra and I'll have something to do today. I offer to "let them" pimp me out again, and I was surprised and mirthful to get this email back from them:

Hello Tracy Williams,We received your payment offer for the site review.But before we send you the payment and instructions for the review, we want to make sure that you no matter what the reason would not mention in your review that you have been paid for the review and the amount you have been paid.The last review you did for the site was rejected by the client since it mentions that it's a paid review, and the price that they received for it.So only when you confirm from your end that you will NEVER EVER mention in your reviews that the reviews are paid reviews or you got paid for them, we will go ahead with the reviews with your blog.Contact us only if you agree to the above terms.Wishes,

Sorry, SEO Buttfucks. You forgot yourself and now think you are using me. Sorry to burst your bubble, but this little tiny corner of the web is mine, and I will be nobody's SEO whore. Find some other schmuck to cocksuck your client on THEIR blogs, because it ain't happening here.

PS: Have a nice day! And your punctuation and grammar sure could use some work...