Simplicity is Nice, Now and Again....

Sometimes, the simplest suppers are the best...

Of course, you can often say the same thing about the simplest of people. They can be delightfully uncomplicated and drama-free.

A nice BBQ seitan "breast" made from Gardein, salad, and a wee smattering of pasta on the side. I can't wait until I get my garden going so the fresh veggies can start rolling in and we can eat like this all the time.

Have a peaceful (and simple!) Tuesday everyone.....

The Post in Which I Feel Marginally Famous...Oh, and Some Food Too, Of Course..

If nothing else, this week is proof that it seriously doesn't take much to get me excited. (Shut up, Bob, I wasn't talking to you!..)

My oh-so boring week ended with a couple of emails that almost let me pretend that I mattered a bit. First, Yours Truly actually got an email from THE UNITED NATIONS, Y'ALL! No shit, really. Seems that 2008 is the United Nations International Year of the Potato. (I don't know yet how I managed to miss that one...) Anyway, the United Powers That Be wanted to use my pic of potato fudge on their upcoming recipe section. BOO-YAH! of course I said yes. I was honoured and tickled in all the right places. Dear United Nations: I love you. Please hire me now and rescue me from a neverending treadmill of monotony that is my current job. Pretty please? Pretty please with potato fudge on top?? I personally grew 800 pounds of potatoes last year, after all....I am uber-qualified for any potato-related job you might give me....)

The second email just about about blew me away. If you recall, a while back I happened to mention a heroine of mine, Holistic Nutritionist Gillian McKeith. Although I find her obsession with poo a wee bit odd, I otherwise think a lot of her. Her show, "You Are What You Eat"is one of the reasons I decided to become a Holistic Nutritionist myself. (I know she's controversial, and please, spare me the emails telling me to beware of believing what she says, thanks. ) I don't agree with everything she advises, but then again, I don't believe everything my better half says, either. The few quibbles I have with some of her statements don't negate the overwhelmingly sound and solid advice she gives her clients, IMHO.

ANYWAY....I was contacted by Team McKeith to ask me if I would like to review her new book. I have two words to say about that...HELL, YES!! I can't wait until it arrives.

And now the weekend. I actually got to spend the weekend alone, (and you all know how I loves me some solitude!) I actually fought my way through a nasty chemistry module in my nutrition course that I've been putting off, and I'm glad it's finally over. Otherwise, I kinda went through some blogger angst this weekend. One and a half years in, and some days it feels more like a chore than a good time. I'm sure all of you fine folks who've been blogging for a while can relate. My internal debate went like this:

Blogging Me: Yay! I have a weekend with no distractions! I can whip up some amazing cake made of some weirdass ingredient or some bizarre seitan creation that will redefine what it means to be a veg*n blogger. After all, I haven't done much lately."

Lazy Me: "Screw that. I haven't got a creative cell left in my body. Been there, done that. I think I'll lay on this couch, eat chocolate and read romance novels."

Blogging Me: "Tracy, you need to keep people interested or they'll move on to some other blog. Get off your ass and COOK SOMETHING!!"

Lazy Me: "Aww, come on. Every damn thing I try lately turns to snot. Remember that attempt I made at vegan marshmallows? Remember how much money in sugar and agar I wasted, only to end up with a quivering grey pile of scum? Why would you want to repeat that kind of tragedy?"

Blogging Me: "But someone has to be the first to veganize a rack of lamb. Who is going to do it if not you?"

Lazy me: "Why in the name of all that is holy would I want to veganize THAT? Good Lord, I never ate lamb to begin with. My mom always told me it tasted wooly. Not only that, lambs may be cute but they spray shit pellets everywhere."

Blogging Me: "You're right. Fuck it. I'll cook what I feel like whether it's interesting or not."

And that was how my conversation with myself ended. So I cooked what I felt like, and dammit, I frankly don't give a shit whether anyone thinks it's blog-worthy or not. It is what it is.

I made some root vegetable and barley soup, and no, I didn't write down the recipe.

I also made some cajun style tomato vegetable soup. Again, no recipe because that requires effort.

Both tasted great, because frankly I AM THE QUEEN of soup. Sure, I may not be able to do long division or change the oil in the car, or navigate my way from Point A to Point B. But I do make me a mean old pot of soup, Y'all..

OK, an aside..the cat's ass is on my computer desk and his tail is sweeping the keyboard while I type, so if I make a typo, ye must forgive me.)

I made some bread too....caraway and beer bread, to be exact...Sounds good, doesn't it?

Certainy, it looked good enough to make sweet, sweet love to. I could lie, I suppose, and tell you that this bread made me want to sell my firstborn just for the privilege of eating it. (I mean, how would you know? But unfortunately I have this very inconvenient honesty gene.) Truth is, it tasted bad enough to make me want to scrub my tongue with ivory soap and gargle with Scope. . IT WAS AWFUL!!! Caraway in soup=good, caraway in bread=barf-worthy. What a waste of a can of beer...

And finally, the only interesting thing I felt like making.... "Three Times the Corn" Bread.

It was quite yummy, not exactly orgasm-producing but maybe worthy of some serious loin-sweating, at the very least. I would give you the recipe, but I think it needs another test or so. The top middle was kinda (erm) raw, so after I figure out the cooking time and temp it's all yours. It includes corn flakes, corn meal and CORN!! YeeHaw!

Ok, I'm leaving now. I guess if you're looking for cutting-edge vegan cuisine you'll have to keep clicking. If you're looking for a gal who ended her weekend alone content and pleased to be in her own skin, well....you done found her...

Peace!

The Miscellany of a Boring Week....

Sometimes I feel like we are the most boring family on the face of the earth. No, seriously. I've been trying to think about something to blog about ever since Mother's Day and I couldn't think of a single damn thing. Life lately has been about as interesting as a trip to the podiatrist.

I was leaning over my son last night, checking out his homework, and I happened to see a poem he had to write last week for Englush class. The poem included this line: (I kid you not)

I am from a regular family

Nothing ever happens

It's awfully boring.

Man, I need to do something to shake this family up, stat!! Maybe wake them all up in the middle of the night for a 10K hike, that would be interesting, wouldn't it?

So, since I can't think of anything original to say, instead, here's a roundup of some pictures that have been sitting in my blog folder, unused and unappreciated.

A few weeks ago, I got myself a nifty little pasta maker at a liquidation store. Turns out it was at that store because it DIDN"T WORK, (also turns out it was used) but my genius of a husband was able to take it apart and put it back together as functional, so all was right with the world. My son wouldn't stop pestering me until we tried it out, so here he is helping me make ravioli.

We made a lovely sweet potato and cheese filling, and the results were gorgeous....

Alas, we were already eating something else that night, so I tucked them in the fridge to use the next day. Five days later I actually remembered them, and by then they were one amorphous sticky blob, so that was the end of the ravioli. We'll definitely try again another day.....

And check out the new placemats I bought myself a week or so ago....

Gorgeous, but sooo not worth it once you realize how difficult it is to scrub off a glop of dried on "hamburger helper" that has solidified between the slats. I think these might be going at the next yard sale.

And here is a lovely picture of my daughter's legs just after a day spent mountain biking with the army cadets through the spring mud....

Believe it or not, these socks were WHITE when she left that day. Perhaps another mother might have been able to bleach these back to their original glory, but not me....into the garbage they went.

On a recent trip to a pizza place, this sign on the door of the ladies room:

Not just "Women", but Women!!! Like, here's where you're finally going to find some of those mysterious wimmins you keep hearing about! (Really, I don't understand now why I found this to be so funny at the time...what can I say, I'm bored...)

And finally, just a little shot of the beach near my Mother-in-Laws new home....

Lots of new vistas to explore this summer.

And now, as just writing this has bored me to the point where I may just doze off, I'm going to wrap this up now. Hopefully this weekend will bring some excitement my way. TGIF, peeps!

Happy Mudders Day!

I know intellectually that the world is grossly overopulated and is procreating itself toward it's eventual destruction. (I blame this woman.) And I know that there are all kinds of folks who don't want to have children, for a hundred different commendable and understandable reasons. (I also know that there's all sorts of folks who should have had to get a license before they were allowed to reproduce, but hey, that's another blog....)

However, I can't help but feel a little sorry for any gals out there who cannot experience the neverending circus that is Motherhood. Sure there is joy, but let's face it, there's a fair amount of misery and unintentional hilarity that goes along with it too. Let's not let this Hallmark Holiday blind us to the reality, ladies.

At seven AM yesterday morning, (on a day when my fatigued and oh-so weary body could finally sleep in), I hear the front door open and my son enter. (He had been spending the night with a friend, so as I dragged myself from sleep I momentarily thought that this was a home invasion.) Then I hear the unmistakeable sound of a13 year old boy yakking in a decorative planter as he staggered up the stairs. (I kid you not; he needed to spew and grabbed the first vessel he laid his eyes on. I guess I should be grateful for that...)

And so began my Mother's Day weekend. It also included me catching whatever Dan had and spending more time on the toilet than I would have liked, me blowing out a vein in my hand and having it turn purple, me trying to bake a cake for the cast party at the school and having two cakes in a row disintegrate before my eyes, and me chaperoning the kids to a cadet function at 9AM Sunday morning. Yippee!

I wish I could show you some shots of me whooping it up at a Mother's Day brunch, or me smiling serenely behind my breakfast-in-bed tray, or me with my eyes rolled back in bliss as my husband rubs my feet. Alas, I'm afraid that with the exception of some lovely flowers, today was pretty much like every other day in the endlessly fascinating Life of Tracy. So, I thought I'd take you down memory lane instead and show you a few little gems from Mother's Days past.

A little love from my daughter....

Here's is my daughter's rendition of me while she was in primary. Apparently, we both are fond of pink ball gowns complete with hoop skirts. Not only that, we also have ET fingers.

Here's a little gem from my boy. In case you can't quite make it out, it says "My Mom likes me. She is good at reading. I love her because she makes cookies."

Another good one from my daughter. It says, "My Mom looks pretty when she goes out to dinner with my Dad. My Mom likes it when I am playing outside." (Har har.. still do, actually..)

Here's me and the girl pitching our tent on a camping trip. Notice how we still like to dress for the occasion..!)

And finally. here's a cute little thing I came across in my search for Mother's day gold. I guess I had a little environmentalist budding even years ago....

So, what does a kid give to a Mom who has nothing, but really doesn't want anything either?

Lawnwork- the Gift that Keeps on Giving...

Hope you all had a great mother's day. And BTW, although I didn't get my foot massage, hey! Today is another day.....:0)

The School Play

So, here it is Friday, and I haven't spent an evening in my house since last Thursday, hence my lack of updates. We spent the weekend at my inlaws house, had to attend cadets one night, had a meeting another night, you get the drill. Presently, my house looks like I hosted a wild party with a bunch of Harley Davidson bikers (and their pets.)

I had hoped that last night I would be able to get around to some laundry so I could stop turning my panties inside out to find a clean spot, but it was not to be. My Daughter The Joiner, who due to other commitments could not be in the school play this year, was helping out backstage when she suddenly found herself with a small part due another kid's stagefright.

The suggestion that her doting parents might not show up for the event was unthinkable. That much was clear from the phone call I received at work in the middle of the day.

So, we go home and choke down supper in a frenzy, downing a glass of red wine while cooking in the hopes that it would make me notice the dirt less. We had garlicky sloppy joes and fries, followed up with a cookie in the car en route to the big event. We get out of the car, and me and my loving son are walking together to the school, when I reach out to pull him close and give him a hug. This conversation ensues:

Mom: "Come over here and give your Mom a hug. You're not too big for hugs, are you?"

Dan: "Mom, your breath really stinks."

Mom: "Really? My breath? What does it smell like?"

Dan" "Kinda like a wet dog."

Mom: "Huh. I would think it would smell like a cookie, since that's what I ate last."

Dan: "A rotten cookie, maybe."

Love you too, you little brat.

Bob, who hates sitting in those hard plastic chairs and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks of him, decided to take his own chair to the play. I threatened to tell everyone that he needed it due to recent hemorrhoid surgery. He still didn't give a fuck.

It was the Pink Panther Strikes Again, and wasn't bad really, but according to my butt cheeks it was about half an hour too long. Bob enjoyed himself immensely in his cushy chair, dammit.

My daughter played Hindu Harry, complete with a turban made from some sort of flowered beach coverup. She claims the little red dots on her face perform some sort of dramatic function, but to me they just looked like a terminal illness was taking hold.

All in all, fun for the whole family. Tonight though, if anyone messes with my time at home, they do so at their own peril. Mommma's getting cranky and running out of undies.

Why I'm A Bad Mother This Week But I Won Points as a Wife,,,,,

It's 8:37 PM, and I'm in front of the computer. I shouldn't even be home, I should be down the street at the high school watching the spring band concert. That's where all the GOOD mommies are right now. Yours truly snuck out at intermission after finding my daughter and giving her a quarter to call home later.

For those of you not yet blessed by anklebiters of your own yet, let my give you some sage advice: Motherhood with change you in all kinds of mysterious ways: You'll learn what it's like to truly love selflessly, you'll learn patience and wisdom and how to clean up vomit at 2 AM without showing your temper. What the parenting experts don't tell you is that squeezing a blowing ball out of your nether regions will NOT make you Mother Theresa overnight, if ever. Things you hated before shooting that kid out of your love passage you will STILL hate even after you start to feel you really should adore every damn word they utter and every move they make.

I HATE SCHOOL BANDS. There, I said it. And I have an extra special hate-on for the wind instruments. In fact, you may recall that I made my daughter practice her clarinet in the back yard last year, as the sound of the clarinet wants me to claw my own ears off....

In fact, when (not if, I'm afraid) I arrive in Hell, I'll know I can expect to be receiving a pap test by a televangelist (two other things I hate) while being serenaded by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

So when Darling Daughter advised that she's be tooting not only the trumpet but also the saxophone in the concert and wanted me to come, I sucked it up and did what I had to do: Showed up, clapped politely, and left as soon as her parts were over. I'd like to say I enjoyed it, but, well.....er...

At least I didn't bark at the kid when I saw her appear on stage wearing my clothes.

As a mother I might be lacking this week, but I think I remdeemed myself as a wife. The husband gave me Top Wife marks this weekend. He had the dubious pleasure of being stuck in the lunchroom last week with a guy who happened to be inhaling a Swanson Hungry Man frozen dinner. Specifically, popcorn chicken, pizza sticks and marinara dipping sauce. Bob said he really thought it looked good. So what's a wifey to do?

Veganized it, of course! Seitan nuggets with a pancake batter coating (that's the trick, see) and homemade spicy italian rolls with vegan mozza inside. The pickles on the side were a bonus.

In other food news, Friday night I got home brain-fried from a long week of work and grocery shopping. I was tired, but determined not to resort to the usual veggie burgers again or frozen pizza. So I whipped up a seitan-noodle melange featuring beef-style seitan with frozen veggies and a pack of ramen noodles.

I felt a wee bit less negligent than I generally do on Friday night. Very wee. Almost, but not quite, as wee as your boyfriends equipment. Sorry, but I call 'em as I see 'em.

Post Script: I say above that most women are still basically the same women after having kids as they were before, just with less time to do their hair. If you cursed like a sailor before, you likely still did afterwards, (at least until the kids get old enough to ask you what a XXXX is.) If you were into stupid movies before, you likely still do even with the new stretch marks. I could go on, but you get my drift...

Anyway, I'll bet you all know at least one mother though who seems to have morphed into some kind of parasitic organism with no independent brain waves of her own, post-birth. I know I do. I know this one person who seems unable to talk about anything other than a never-ending saga of her children's illnesses, school projects, and extra-curricular events. After listening to her for a few minutes, I can't help but wonder. WHERE THE HELL DID SHE GO?????? The fact is, it's like Alien. The PERSON has been taken over. There is no HER anymore, just WonderMom. Well, guess what? I HATE WONDERMOM. WonderMom freaks me the HELL OUT. Fact of the matter is, I can't respect anyone I can't picture sinning. People wearing the Mommy Halo make me want to run in the other direction. Anyone with me?

Peace...

A Rant about "Product Placement", and A Day in The Life

One of my very favourite shows just wrapped up it's fifth season: The Biggest Loser. This past week was the first week in a while that I didn't get to watch it on Tuesday night. There's nothing I liked better than putting my feet up, cracking open a cold one, and snacking on potato chips as I watched those poor slobs get their asses kicked all over the place. Seriously motivating.

I loved the show and all, but there was one aspect to the show that pissed me off: The Product Placement. Now, I understand why TV shows need to have commercials and all, but it really chaps my hide when television shows and movies try to sneak products into the actual storyline.

And it's one thing to have say, a can of coke on the table when two characters are performing a scene...that's insidious enough. It reaches a whole 'nother plane when you show the characters having an ernest, over-the-top love fest praising the product in the middle of the show. I mean, do the producers think we're stupid? Do they think we buy the idea that the participants of the show just like to sit around discussing the virtues of Jennie-O turkey and Brita water filters? If so, these must be the most boring people on the face of the earth. Believe you me, none of this attempted subliminal advertising would have any effect on smart and savvy viewers like me, so they might as well give it up.

OK, that's my rant for another day. Now, I thought that I'd do something different. Since I am in fact trying to lose a few pounds myself, I thought maybe I'd walk you all through a typical day here at the Hooterville Boot Camp, and show you how I'm trying to drop the pounds.

I like to start my day with a nice hearty bowl of high-fibre Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal.

I find that this oatmeal in particular is outstanding in it's oatmealiness. not to mention that it scores five stars on the poopability scale. It helps keep the plumbing regular when I'm trying to lose some unsightly flab, not to mention the fact that the delicious aroma while it's cooking makes the cat horny.

Because nutrition is of prime importance in my life, and because cutting back on food consumption makes it more difficult to get enough vitamins and minerals in ones diet, I like to make a Women's One-a-Day vitamin a regular part of my morning routine.

Compared to other brands, I find that this vitamin makes my teeth stronger and my coat glossier, my eyes brighter and my breath fresher. In fact, I find that when I happen to miss a day, my husband is less attracted to me sexually.

After breakfast, nothing starts my day off to a better start than a nice long slog on my treadmill. Since I'm trying to lose serious poundage, I've been spending a lot of time there lately. It's important when you're working out a lot to keep your energy up, but at the same time, you really need to watch your portion sizes. That's why I like Nabisco 100 Calorie Packs.

The beauty of these little packs is not only that I learn how tiny a reasonable portion of over-processed food should be, but I also keep the waste management people in business. After all, someone has to create unnecessary trash or they would be unceremoniously thrown out of work. I like to think I do my part by buying these non-biodegradable, portion controlled foil packs rather than enduring the boredom of filling my reusable dishes with snack food.

After a little light housework, it's time for lunch. I like to cook up some protein like tofu to go along with my salad at lunchtime, and naturally I'm all about the oven, as deep frying uses a lot of grease that speeds straight to my thighs. As a good little weight watcher, I lubricate my pans with PAM cooking spray....

Not only is it low-calorie, it has a special additive that prevents your bosoms from drooping like deflated party balloons as you drop the weight. As well, in a pinch you can use it as an easy-to-apply personal lubricant.

After a long afternoon of housework, (which may or may not include the toilet bowl), it's time for a diet-appropriate supper. I'm a very busy working woman, so time is important to me. Rather than spend precious seconds reaching up to get the steamer down from the shelf, I like to bend down to the drawer instead and retrieve my Ziploc Zip 'n Steam bags to cook my vegetables.

My daughter finds it so refreshing to not have to expend one single brain cell while helping me with dinner. Even a drooling idiot can stuff carrots in a plastic bag, which I guess it's why these wonderful sacs are so popular. Sure, it means that the vegetables are done long before the rest of the meal, (since this method is so darn fast), but I've heard that hot vegetables cause uvula cancer anyway.

So that was a typical day for me in my quest for supermodel status. I hope you can appreciate the honesty of my approach versus the underhanded attempt to influence you that you see on TV these days. You have to watch the fine print! If you're attempting to slim down a little, hey, best of luck! One final tip: If you need to eat out and want a healthy meal, try Subway! Their subs are deliriously low in fat,so I hear, as long as you eat them without mayo or butter or dressing or flavor.

Keep it real, peeps!

Vegan Macaroni and Cheese Loaf- Perhaps the Weirdest Thing I've Ever Made

So, I'm driving home from another day spent in a boredom-induced coma at work, humming along with the cd player (it was Kid Rock, I believe) when it hits me: A sudden, overwhelming craving for macaroni and cheese loaf. It was weird, because I haven't had this stuff for years, and even when I did eat meat, I only ever craved this stuff occasionally.

For those of you who have never heard of it, macaroni and cheese loaf is truly your trailer park trash of deli meats. It's simply got to be made of the wretched refuse of miscellaneous animal parts...it's kinda like bologna, only gamier. The soft, wet squishiness of the (quite unquote) "meat" plays off against the unexpected sharpness of the cheese chunks, which perfectly offsets the al dente chewiness of the macaroni. Beyond weird, right? So why crave it? Beats the hell out of me.

Naturally eating the real thing is out of the question, so if I wanted it, I had to Frankenstein it. The result was great and filled the void. Naturally, I was not totally able to duplicate the delicate armpit-esque aroma of the real thing, but I think this is better. I made the seitan to be a little like chicken, a little like ham, with a little bit of hot spice. I don't know if there's a single other person on the planet earth who would want to try this, but just in case my cosmic vegan twin is out there somewhere suffering from the lack of mac 'n cheese loaf, I figured I'd give y'all the recipe.

By the way, I used some of the Galaxy Foods Vegan Cheddar they sent me last month. It's reluctance to melt worked to my advantage in this recipe.

Seitan Macaroni and Cheese Loaf

First, cook 1/3 of a cup of macaroni to the al dente stage; slightly firm, not squishy. Dump it in ice cold water until you're ready to use it. Then, cut up your vegan cheddar into small cubes until you have 1/2 cup of them. Set aside.

Take 1/3 cup bacon bits and add 1/2 cup hot water. Microwave for a few minutes until the bits are soft.

Dump into your blender:

The bacon bits and water

1/2 12oz box of silken tofu

1/2 cup cold water

2 Tbsp olive oil

2 Tbsp ketchup

3/4 tsp garlic powder

3/4 tsp onion powder

1 tsp paprika

2 Tbsp vegan chicken-style boullion

1/2 tsp red pepper

1 1/2 tsp Club House Chicken Seasoning (or cajun spice....or steak spice...something spicy..:0)

Blend....

In a large bowl, mix 2 1/2 Tbsp cornmeal and 1 1/4 cup gluten flour. Mix. As you stir, mix in your macaroni (strained, natch) and your cheese cubes.

On a board sprinkled with a bit more gluten, dump out your seitan and knead in about 1/4 cup more gluten flour, carefully trying not to lose your macaroni and cheese. (They will seem to be trying to escape their gluteny seitan prison.) Allow to sit for an hour.

Line a juice can with non-stick foil or parchment paper. After the hour has passed, knead the seitan into a nice firm log, and press down into the can. Make your "seitan juice" from the following:

1 1/4 cup water

1 Tbsp oil

1 Tbsp ketchup

1 Tbsp soya sauce

1 Tbsp chicken style boullion

1 Tbsp nutritional yeast

1/2 tsp black pepper

1/2 tsp garlic salt

2 tsp paprika

Pour the juice over the log....

Cover the can with foil, and place in the oven. Turn the oven on to 250 degrees, and let the seitan slowly cook for three hours. Increase heat to 350 and remove foil. Cook for 30 minutes more. The seitan with slowly grow in the can...

Allow to cool for twenty minutes or so in the can, then turn it sideways and slide that log out....

You will find that the very top of the log will be unpleasantly squishy, kinda like the stuff that oozes between your toes when you walk in the mud ....can't be helped. Perhaps you can feed this to your cat. (Mine loved it...)

Allow to cool, preferably overnight, then slice into thin pieces.

The end result??? Well, I think this would be the hit of the trailer park potluck....

Me, the kids and the cat all loved this. Bob refused to even touch it, but then again, he always thought the meat version was beyond strange, so I guess that's not a big surprise.

I can't wait to make myself a mac 'n cheese sandwich for lunch today...